What to do about my dad?

[SendYouUpinFlames]

So this may be a long post, and a few spelling mistakes.. But I am sorry.

So.. me and my dad never had a good relationship from being 7.
My mum and him divorced. She met a new man got married and had 2 children.
My dad went to a contact centre to see him. My and my brother was 7 and 5 and was brainwashed by our abusive stepdad. Who in the end turned out to be a rapist peodaphile.. anyway..

We stopped contact. Didn't speak until it all came out with SD, and I got in contact with him.
I was 13. We started seeing him regular, and it was a lovely time.
We also have a step brother from his old relationship.
Me and my brothers birthday are a month apart. And I started noticing he would spend about £200 on my brother. Then when mine came he would cut contact for 3 month.

He has alot of mental health problems. Bipolar. Depression. Says he has all this under control. But so do I and I will not use it as an excuse.

From being 13 onwards he would get in contact, then stop contacting me out of the blue for months and months then would get back in touch.

After 3 years of this I cut contact. He did not like this and was very cruel and nasty to me. Said I was my step dad's daughter not his. He wished my little boy dead.

He tried 2 years ago to contact me. I arranged to meet him and he blocked me on Facebook.

Anyway time passed by and It has been nearly 2 years since propper contact.
I now have another dc. And I wanted him to meet them. Even after everything.

He was coming once every 2 weeks. Up to about 2 month ago.
He has not been once.
The last time I recieved a text off him was the 30th April.

I spoke to him on the phone Saturday and he arranged to come yesterday.

Today he was meant to be coming (He was meant to come yesterday but decided it would be today)

He said he would try be here for about 1 so he could come pick dc1 up from nursery with me. If not it would be 2 no later.
He didn't show no problem.

It's now nearly 3 and I haven't had one text or call off him.

It's dc1 birthday on Saturday. And after missing nearly 8 years straight and 6 years on and off of my life I thought he would want to see my children and theire birthdays.

Has he fucked me off?

I'm so upset :-(

It's happening all over again. The pain i got when I was 13 Has hit me like a ton of bricks.

Sorry for rambling.

Please feel free to ask me anything at all. I probably haven't added everything but the most needed stuff.

I did add paragraphs. I'm on the app. Sorry.

Don't resume contact, you are better off without him.

Sorry, I had a shit father too.

He's the type of guy to, if you put 1 less kiss on the end of your text, He would cut contact.
Or think there's a problem and he's done something wrong.

@stompy sorry to hear that I think NC is the way to go but wanted MN advice first.

I'm just lost. I don't know what to do. I thought he had changed and was lovely to the kids. Absloutley obsesses over them when he's here.

He's being an arse, I'm sorry. I know he's your dad, and you obviously want, and have tried and tried, to have a happy relationship with him, but for whatever reason he just isn't all that interested.

I think you need to accept this, accept it isn't your fault, accept you can't change him or his feelings, and keep your distance for your own sake and your own children. He's not going to be a good grandfather to them. He was never really a good father to you, was he?

By all means, leave the door open for him to contact you and let him know that he will always be welcome in your life, if that's what he wants, but I think it would help you if you could accept that he will never be the father that you want, or deserve. That way he won't be able to keep on hurting you.

Do you have anyone in RL you can talk all of this out with? If you can access any kind of counselling (maybe via your GP) it might help you make sense of it all.

So sorry to hear how shit this has been for you. I wonder if you'd get better advice in the Relationship board, or AIBU?

I don't think the relationship is at all healthy for you, and it will do your DC no good either.

Ooops sorry, X-posted with @RatherBeRiding, didn't mean her advice wasn't good!

No he has never been a good father.

I said from day 1 I would not let him mess my children's heads up like he did mine.

I feel utterly stupid for being upset. We haven't had a proper bond for about 14 years.

I have my DH to talk to IRL although he says NC won't help.

I think going to the GP will help.
I will ring in the morning.

Will ask MN to move to relationships.

My poor boy is sat at the window saying where's grandad?
I've just had to tell him I don't think he's coming :(

Bastard

Have asked MNHQ to move.

I also gave my df a second chance when I had dc, he fucked it up by not turning up or phoning them he said he would. Have been nc for about 20 years now. No regrets on my side. Your dc don't need him. They do however need you to be stable and having him in your life is doing your mh no good it seems.

@April sorry to hear that. Seems like my DF is the same.

My MH is stable. I admit i have gotten upset about him not turning up, bit there's no way I will let him fuck my head up and make my MH any worse.

DH won't let it and neither will I for my DC. They need me to be stronger than that.

I just can not believe he has done this again.
I had a feeling this morning he wouldn't show he's always been the same. But I got my hopes up.
I admit i have missed him so much and I really was looking forward to starting a proper relationship again.

He's the one missing out I guess not me.

He couldn't be there for his own children, so he certainly won't be there for GC. I doubt he's there for your half-brother either.

My father had nothing to do with me from around the age of 2 when my parents divorced. He saw me when I visited my grandparents every other weekend (IIRC, he even lived with them at one point). He put his partner's wishes before me as his child - she had said she didnt want children so had no interest in me.

It was only when he got involved with his now wife when I was approx 9, who had 2 children of her own, that he had anything to do with me. Oh, and when I got my exam results at school, and when I passed my ALevels and degree... I was his trophy which he picked up and dropped as quickly as he wanted. As a child, I thought it was me and my fault. It wasn't.

We had a frought relationship between the age of 14-21 until 8 years ago, he finally put a nail in the coffin of our relationship.

I have never looked back since. It has to be a decision made by you but as in my case, your relationship with your father has had huge implications on your life. Come hell or high water, he will never meet my son. I don't want my son exposed to him or that side my of family as they are vitriolic.

Look after you and yours. They and you are the most important thing. Does the idea of him being around make you happy or cause you hurt/stress? If it's the latter, then I would consider leaving him in your past. If you do think you can make it work, then I wish you the best of luck. Just remember, you and yours are the most important thing.

I can't make it work. Not now
This is the last straw. Hurting me, ok. Hurting my kids, That's another thing.

He is no father to my dear step brother either. He's only 6.
Hasn't bothered with him from 3 years old. They were like best buddies too.

He can't maintain a relationship either. He's too paranoid and jealous. He has them, but not for long.

I got a message of his girlfriend about an hour ago!

Told me his van has been in the m.o.t and he might try to be over in the morning. Also he's just got to work so he can't speak to me atm.

One thing I don't get, he work 40 miles away from his home. His only way of transport is his van. And he stays in his van as he will work like 4 on 4 off.

How has he managed to get to work, and where is he sleeping, if his van needed m.o.t and is still in the garage.

Also he says his phone is completley fucked, to the point he can't get in contact for me for nearly 3 weeks.

But OW has told me he asked her to get in contact with me.

Agghhh I'm so fucking confused!!

am I being strung along?

Are these just excuses?

Yes. Yes and yes.

OP I am so sorry, you have been bitterly let down by your Mother your Father and your Step-Father.

Your Father is toxic and abusive, his treatment of you was unbelievably cruel and what he said about you and your son was pure evil! I would not let that man anywhere near me or my babies!

You and your children deserve so much better! Have you read the book 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward? If not then I thoroughly recommend that you do! It will help you work through your relationships with your parents and make a decision on how you want to proceed. Going No-Contact is a very difficult process, especially when you are still that vulnerable little girl who desperately wants the approval of her Daddy!

I also recommend the book Toxic in-laws by Susan Forward for your DH to read. Hopefully, it will help guide your DH in how to support you in your decision on how you want your relationship with your DF to proceed.

^My poor boy is sat at the window saying where's grandad?
I've just had to tell him I don't think he's coming sad^

Your poor little boy.

His gf's excuses are just that, excuses. You know that really, look at the track record of his actions for years - decades.

I'm really sorry, but your dad is a dead loss and will do nothing but jerk your little boy around, just as he did you.

I think you need to grieve properly for him. It's a complicated grief when the parent is still alive and can be charming, but when their fundamental character is deeply unreliable. All you can ever rely on is those few moments of likeability and then you yearn and yearn for their love.

But when you stand back and look at it dispassionately, they will always hurt you and now, he is hurting your poor boy as well as your stepbrother.

I think your best bet is to refuse to see him again and to say to your son that unfortunately, Grandad is unwell and so he doesn't know how to treat people. Because of that, it isn't possible to see him. If he ever behaved differently, and can be trusted, then we can see him again. Don't lie to your son, it does more harm than good in the long run from betrayed illusions, but give him an age-appropriate truth.

He isn’t capable of being what you and your kids need.

I’ve gone NC with my mother as I realised that whilst I’ve always held out hope she’s be what I needed and stop letting me down and hurting me. However, when I realised she was doing the same to my DD I decided enough was enough, my DD didn’t deserve that...and I finally realised neither did I!

Funilly enough, my dd realised before I did and mentally cut herself off. I was only playing catch up with my mature 14 14 year old. I’m so proud of her for having the balls I never did.

Welcome to the club xx

I was an only dc and my df didn't even invite me to his wedding when I was about 7. Lots of dc there but not his!!
Not being grabby by any means but when I was about 24 and had dc, he won a fair amount on the football pools. (a house in cash amount) and neither me or the dc got a penny.
Can you imagine as a dm not buying your dc anything if you had a windfall??
I never went to the house.