Surviving is painful *Very Triggering*

[Slowlydying]

I just wanna put this out there this morning, I hurt, I'm struggling, I'm damaged goods. I try hard but no one sees the fight. Very few know how close to the edge I live. I have Cptsd. A level of trauma higher than regular ptsd. I was abused & neglected by both parents from birth. Unloved, unwanted & unprotected. In the end my mother just walked out & left me as a child to be the replacement wife for my father. Today, in my 50s I struggle immensely with the legacy of all this. I'm wired to live in a constant state of 'emergency' - even where there is none. I've paid 1000s for the very best trauma therapy there is available and it still isn't enough. I have no family for support because I cut the whole toxic lot of them off. Both my parents have enjoyed lives of freedom with no justice for the damage they inflicted upon me. Me, I serve a life sentence without parole. I live a life unfulfilled. I was beaten unconscious, sexually tortured, regularly starved. Didn't always have decent clothes to wear. It's a miracle I'm here still. And I went from all that to an abusive marriage because I knew no better.
Now I'm free of all that, divorced and for the first time in my life trying to truly undo the damage and repair myself. I'm having to go right back to the beginning and re-parent my inner-child. Every day I'm terrified. Both my parents are still alive. I'd like to shout it from the roof tops what they did to me. I'd like to show them to all their friends and colleagues - who they really are. I'd like to dump all my shame back on them publically. You know what'll make you really laugh? My dm who neglected & abandoned her own children, is the manager at Social Services - on the childrens team!!! You couldn't make it up.

I'm not sure I have the ability to overcome my trauma problems. Abuse is shameful. People can't bear to hear about it. You can't be open and honest & tell it like it is - can't tell people you're struggling & why. I've seen the sick look on people's faces as they turn away with disgust not wanting to know. It makes me feel like a leper.

That's all really. This is just another day I struggle to survive, carrying my toxic legacy & trying my hardest to grow myself out of it & leave it behind. My fucking parents.

I'm so sorry for the horrendous things that have happened to you. I can only imagine how this must affect you.

You say you'd like to shout from the roof tops and publicly shame them. Do you feel strong enough to report this?

Do you have any real life support?

I'm sorry. I wish someone had protected you as a child.

I understand it hurts think when people turn away in disgust at your story. I think they are disgusted that it can happen, rather than disgusted you are telling them. For those who didn't have that experience, it is a shocking thing to hear.

I'm glad you are out of your marriage and able to work on healing.

I can't believe the cruelty of your parents. If you are strong enough I agree with pp would you consider reporting? Would that help you to take control and dump some of this horrendous shit back on those vile two?

I'm sorry to hear that you are in your dark place due to having the shocking upbringing you endured. You say you have had lots of counselling and by going from what your saying it has done little to help. You also say you have much to tell. So tell it. Get yourself a notebook ( a nice one ) and let the words pour out. Tell your story and your emotions. I'm not suggesting to take it to press and get a book deal but by writing those words, and getting them out may help a little. If I were your friend I'd encourage you to see if there are any workshops/ group's of others that have been through the same you could feel safe to share your experience. Take care and sending you a hug.

Slowly I had a less extreme, but not dissimilar upbringing. I've also got CPTSD from childhood and been raped etc after leaving home because I had no idea what it was to be treated well - hell, even normally - in a relationship.

And my mother went on to become head of a service directly tied to the social work department of our area. Caring for vulnerable adults and children. I can't even think about it. Everybody thinks she's so wonderful, kind and caring.

I'm NC with her.

So I get where you are and why. It's horrific. Nobody can imagine the relentless pain of living with CPTSD or the pain involved in the therapy trying to overcome/reduce it. Which isn't an 8 CBT session thing. Or a bit of a chat about a mystical childhood to "blame" the parents. It's fucking awful and in top of that, you don't just turn up yo therapy sessions, get administered a cocktail of medicine with nasty side effects, you have to actively to it yourself. Oh and you're also doing all that because of a past that has robbed you of the type of present support you'd need to be able to tolerate such pain.

I can't think of much more unfair Slowly.

You're alone in this. But this person who is alone in it too is standing next to you.

By the way, I DID tell some people about her. It was good.

And I've also decided that I did nothing wrong, she did, so I'm not going to be ashamed. It took some work, but I'm not. I'm not ashamed of anything anybody did to me in my past. I'm not responsible for their actions (and funnily enough, everyone who has treated me badly seems to say it was my fault! Nope! They can take their crap back.). I don't talk about it all the time, but inside, I don't feel the shame of, for example being raped. I'm not a rapist. I haven't abused any children. Neither, I'm guessing, have you.

I honestly cannot begin to imagine what this must be like.
But you sound amazing.
As you say yourself It's a miracle I'm here still
And you are here.
And you are fighting for yourself.
You've got rid of all of the horrible people in your life.
What you have suffered is unimaginable for so many.
I just want to give you a big unMN (((((HUG)))))
You are truly inspirational and don't ever forget that.

Hey Slowlydying, just here to say I hear you and your roar of rage and shame and pain and grief. And to salute your courage in continuing to struggle and survive.

Jack Kornfield says the path through trouble is always made a step at a time, a breath at a time, a day at a time. Sometimes I find that helpful, although on some days it sounds too 12-step and I decide JK is a Buddhist wanker

Hang on in there

This is very outing for me but I did report it all to the police at the time. Their response? 'Well he promises he won't do it again' & they handed me back......

It's not just the physical part of abuse that is so bad to bear, it's the whole way your brain is permanently wired for fear. Your brain actually grows to the shape of the environment you live in.

There is no compensation, no winners prize for surviving the worst possible start in life.

People like me just float on the margins of society, tenuously holding onto some kind of life.

So sorry to hear this. I’m guessing your mum is in her 70s now if you are 50s. If I were you I’d find it hard to stomach her continued responsibly for children. Is there anything you could do to alert the local authority or is she due to retire soon?

I am thinking of you. I’m sorry. There are many of us who will listen to your story. I am here for you if you need me. Feel held.

That last sentence of your 2nd post . You're not alone. There are plenty like us. I often feel I've been robbed of having a place in society due to the abuse I suffered from my mother and the abandonment of my father. I don't trust anyone, can't make friendships, always feel like I'm set apart from 'normal' people because I'm damaged goods just as you said.

I was never diagnosed with cPTSD, just severe OCD which has been dehabilitating and I have lived a kind of half life for most of mine.

I'm not ashamed of my whole being anymore thanks to therapy, £0000's spent as well, but therapy can only go so far as you know.

I have learnt to see the beauty in life and appreciate it, and I'm also learning to appreciate myself which is going to be a long journey but I deserve peace. There's nothing wrong with me, it was them, kind of thing.

It's a great shame that the subject of adult children of abusive parents and the lifelong suffering they endure is not more mainstream but it is still taboo. 'You only get one Mum', 'blood is thicker than water' and all that bullshit.

My 'parents' have got away scot free too. Both are surrounded by people who think they are lovely. I just hope that they realise what they did on their deathbeds when I won't be there and then burn in hell.

Don't let them take anymore of your life.

If you do decide to report your father, which will be painful but ultimately healing, the fact that there should be a record of the police involvement when you were younger will be massively helpful in your case. This stuff is taken more seriously now.

((hugs to you))

I liked what you said about listening to your inner child. Can you parent yourself - you are hurting so much how can you nurture yourself? Can you lavish yourself with love and self care? Whether it's a lovely coffee and cake, book or evening at the cinema? I adopted a little dog from a refuge ( beaten and underweight) and , though, I have children who are under 12, consider her my baby. Corny, but she has helped me more than I have her. I have moderate depression for three years now and can be my own worst critic. I have realised that sometimes my feelings aren't facts ( i.e. I am irrationally angry cos I'm having a bad day rather than the event that I'm angry at) . I have worked with Social services and have found some workers incredibly cruel and bullying. Hope you can rise out of this awful sadness x

Just to add, one thing I keep reminding myself is that 'I'm Free!' I actually get a little feeling of relief and excitement when I keep saying this to myself. I was the family scapegoat and and I am NC with my whole birth family now (siblings were abusive sexually, physically and mentally too and I lived in abject terror as a child, just waiting for the next thing to happen, praying for my Dad to rescue me but he never came).

I don't have to see them, listen to them, care about them or what they think. They're gone. Fuck them. I escaped.

Sounds corny but it helps in conjunction with the looking after my inner child stuff when I get flashbacks and my mothers voice in my head (my inner critic).

So glad you are seizing on the "I'm free" moments joyfully! I heard of a book written by a female prison governor in England who had a horrific childhood and worked in a prision only because lodgings were provided ( to escape her dad). She sounded very together and I like to see how real people have led contented lives.... sorry for ramble.hope you are treating yourself today.

I'm so sorry.

The way society treats us is a huge problem. We're constantly told we have nothing to be ashamed of, but don't get treated as if we have nothing to be ashamed of.

We can't just mention casually why we are a certain way or have a certain family set-up, without people going weird on us. We have a narrow idea of what a normal life should be shoved in our faces the whole time, never with any caveats given about people who cannot have that because of the damage from their childhood.

I hate way most people treat abuse victims as much as I hate abusers. They could do better, be more inclusive, if they just thought about their actions a little, but they don't bother. They'd rather treat us like a disease.

The fact that you've posted a whole new thread on your situation is great. Otherwise, all I can say is that I hope your brain heals at least a little, with you healing in turn. It's so unfair that you've had to deal with all of this.

This is a harrowing post and incredibly brave of you to post it. I just cannot believe the amount of strength you have. I absolutely agree that you need to re-parent your inner child. Cognitively you have never learnt to trust, cope with challenge or form healthy attachments. I wish I knew how to fix this awful awful trauma for you there is no punishment harsh enough for the people who created you.

Abuse is shameful. People can't bear to hear about it. You can't be open and honest & tell it like it is - can't tell people you're struggling & why. I've seen the sick look on people's faces as they turn away with disgust not wanting to know. It makes me feel like a leper.

I would like to hold your hand because I know this set of thoughts really well.

It's horrible isn't it? I have a partner now who is nice to me and seems to genuinely love me. This is a new experience for me. Whenever I have to disclose something about my childhood to him he comes away sickened and terrified. It's so hard. I hate causing him distress.

The injustice of it is galling - that the abusers skip on without a care while folk like you and I live on trying to cope with the aftermath.

I just want you to know you are not alone. For me, being creative every day has been an unexpected relief from my feelings. Xx

You are so brave for posting your experiences on here. I had a similar experience complete neglect and mental torture. I think that part is almost worse than the physical. Like you I then went on to meet a man who mistreated me as that was my normal. I divorced him and am now alone with my daughter as I want both of us to have a better life.
You are a hero for surviving all of this don’t forget that.
I always think that it’s much harder for us in society as the majority start of with parents on their side and the isolation for me was hard.
Also the ‘professionals’ sometimes say that being abused means more likleyhood of copying that behaviour which I think is a minority of people so I feel that puts an unfair stigma on victims. You are free and a survivor and you will make a better future for yourself.