feeling coerced into meeting my mum

[Difficultfamily]

NC for this. I have a history of a difficult relationship with my family, particularly my mum's husband. He is an abusive alcoholic who I think sexually abused me when I was a child. My father died whilst I was young.

My mum has been through some awful traumas of her own which weren't her fault and I have always loved her to bits. But she is one of those people who would rather listen to her husband than her child (now adult). I would never be believed if I tried to tell her anything.

Several years ago during a drunken argument she physically abused me after I retaliated to her husband who was calling me names, she never stuck up for me. It was the last straw, I've not been back or spoken with her husband since.

Over the years, I have gradually been lulled back into low contact with her as the guilt eats away at me that I have no relationship with her. She is close to my brothers who live nearby whereas I don't. I find it strained talking to my family on whatsapp as if she posts a pic of her husband or her house, I feel sick and cannot contribute. I am the awkward difficult member of the family who isn't there at Christmas or birthdays or holidays together. I have suffered from low self esteem, anxiety, stress and depression for a long time.

I'm posting today for advice as I'm going to be looking after my brothers pet while he goes away and he has said I will have to do a handover with my mum which I did not know about when I first agreed to this. I would prefer to make arrangements when I am ready instead of feeling 'forced' into it. Last time i stayed there mum didn't come and see me and blamed it on the fact I had my own friends visiting (she could only have know this via my brother so there is an unhealthy in between dynamic) then said she was ill. My friends were not with me the whole time.

Sorry this is long but what would your advice be about my situation? Do i just quickly arrange a handover for the pet care and not agree to doing it in future? Thanks for reading.

Have you ever sought counselling? One for the sexual abuse and two for the guilt that is consuming you.

Once you stop feeling guilty about being NC with her you will feel so much better.

Don't do the changeover, tell your brother it won't work for you. Is there not a friend or someone mutual who could do the actual handover? Do you have to actually meet to exchange the pet or could you not just leave before she gets there?

Thanks Gold tried counselling but it didn't help at the time now I cannot afford anymore. I can't imagine getting to a stage of not feeling guilty, could that even be possible?! I feel a sense of loss that I suppose isn't reciprocated by my mum. She says things but her actions speak otherwise. She goes on holiday abroad, doesn't travel to visit me. I thought the violence to me incident would be her wake up call but sadly not.

My well-meaning brother won't understand if I say that arrangement won't work as he doesn't grasp how difficult it is, no idea what it feels like to not go back to the family 'home' & be an outcast from the family. I will see if I can get someone else to do the handover though, thank you for this advice as I just cannot think straight over it!

Your brother doesn't have to 'understand ' but he does have to respect your decision. I'm sure he has other people to pet sit or is it a deliberate effort to get you to meet up with your mother?

What the others have written here. It does not need your mother also being there to hand a pet over; infact I would now cancel the pet sitting altogether. You're being used again here by both your mother and brother (who is acting here basically as her flying monkey; he is and continues to be easily manipulated by his mother. He is also not interested in hearing your side of things so his opinion should be roundly ignored).

NAPAC napac.org.uk/ are worth contacting as are NACOA www.nacoa.org.uk/; both organisations I believe offer counselling that does not cost the earth either. Would urge you to contact them.

You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, family are no different.

You do not owe these people anything let alone a relationship here; they are not safe people to be at all around. Deal with your own fear, obligation and guilt through therapy via the above organisations. Do read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward too and consider also posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

There's no need for a handover, it's a manufactured requirement. If dB persists in this, I'd withdraw from pet-sitting at all. He can leave written instructions, christ he could get an extra key cut - there's no reason to make you jump through hoops for him. It's you doing him the favour, after all.

What Attila says regarding the book, counselling and stately homes thread. Especially the first post or two. It gives you a great place to start.

I know it is really hard to imagine, but these people do not have control over you. They can tell you that you must see her, or that you owe her until they are blue in the face. It doesn’t make it so.

Unfortunately, you have been conditioned by your family to think it is.

Drop out of dog sitting, or have a friend there with you, or instead of you to do hand over. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

If she is anything like my Mum, all her nastiness is saved for when you are along with no witnesses. So I refused to be alone with her. Funnily enough she noticed, complained about it. I didn’t care. She was lucky to see me at all.

Sounds like you are beginning this journey. It hard, you cry lots but it’s worth it.

I'd tell my brother I couldn't do it anymore. He knows the situation and should have told you upfront.

I think you should tell your brother that you won't meet your mum so he will either have to sort something else over for the hand over, or find another pet sitter. You are doing him a favor. He needs to respect your wishes.

I'm posting today for advice as I'm going to be looking after my brothers pet while he goes away and he has said I will have to do a handover with my mum which I did not know about when I first agreed to this. I would prefer to make arrangements when I am ready instead of feeling 'forced' into it.

You're right. You shouldn't be forced into meeting her.

Tell your brother you can no longer look after his pet. He knows that you are NC with her, and shouldn't have put you in this situation.

And from what you've written here, you've got nothing to feel guilty over. You've done nothing wrong. I'm so sorry you feel so bad, and hope things improve for you.

Cancel the pet sitting! Your brother is deeply disrespectful to try and force this contact on you.

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to post, I am overwhelmed by the replies I thought maybe I was being difficult but it is so good to hear your views. I will take a look at those links thank you!!!
Going to cancel the arrangement I think before it's too late and do what is right for me, not others!