Feeling desperately sad and lonely

[OneThingMissing]

I’m 28 and have what must seem from the outside to be a wonderful life. I have a very good career that I enjoy and have progressed in quickly. I bought my house for cash a few years ago following an unexpected inheritance. I really like it here and have made it into a home, with pets and a nice garden. I have an amazing group of friends and some extremely enjoyable hobbies. So far, so good. (I really hope that doesn’t come across as boastful, but I want to give a full and honest picture.)

However, I originally lived here with my ex before we split up last summer. We were very compatible in many ways but also had problems with him doing next to nothing around the house, being addicted to porn, refusing sex for months at a time and eventually becoming violent towards me. We now get on well as friends, but I’m terribly lonely. I really want to find someone to share my life with, and eventually marry and start a family.

I’ve tried several OLD sites but I’m getting nowhere. I find that the men I meet (after a lot of screening) tend to fall into two categories: either boring nerds who don’t ask me a single question about myself, or men who come on too strong and try to smother, argue with and control me. It’s nearly always me who declines a second date. After what happened with my ex, I feel desperate for good sex and affirmation that I’m attractive, so I’ve recently fallen into having sex with someone whom I know is using me, but I feel powerless to stop it and out of options.

I wish that my own life could be “enough” but it’s just not. I keep myself very busy but my mind whirs constantly. I feel like, even if I were to achieve everything I want in other areas of my life, it’d be meaningless if I’m still single and childless.

I guess I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself but would be grateful for any words of advice or support.

Well, for a start I would try and remember that you are only 28. 28! You have all the time in the world to met the perfect guy, have wonderful children. Ages. Take some time for you.

If sites aren’t working out for you, think about the man you want to find and then think about where that kind of guy hangs out, gyms? Museums? Art galleries? Independent cafes? Hang out there and make yourself approachable.

So your hobbies sound great - any hope of meeting someone there, do your lovely friends know anyone?

I’m surprised that you stay in touch with your ex, that and the fact you seem to want a relationship because you are desperate for affirmation that you are attractive, is something you could may be do with working on, if you don’t mind me saying. You sound interesting, determined, hard working and socialable. Why do you need someone to give you affirmation - you sound great?

I know perhaps I’m being direct, but the type of man you are likely to attract feeling like that about yourself might not be the men you are attracted too. So alongside thinking about the guy you want - think about what your ideal guys is looking for in a woman.

A controlling selfish man will be attracted to underconfident, woman with a low self esteem, it works well for them.

Alternatively, a decent, caring man who wants a woman he can respect and partner with as an equal will be attracted to woman who are happy with themselves, content and aren’t dependent.

So, take some time for yourself, get to a place where you feel really good and then meet a partner who loves and respects that version of you. Don’t rush to meet one now when what you are looking for is something that should come from you not them, you make yourself vulnerable if your self worth is based on someone else’s attention to you.

Why are you friends with someone who was violent towards you? It would be a good idea to do the Freedom Programme before you attempt to have another romantic relationship.
Sorry you're feeling lonely though. You have loads of time so try not to panic. What was your family and your relationship with you Dad like growing up, what did you learn about love and partnership?

Thanks - I know you’re both right and those are all great suggestions. I don’t usually have problems with low self esteem but being rejected sexually for so long really did take its toll. I’m desperate to be wanted in that way again but I realise why that’s problematic.

My father was a loving but distant figure while I was growing up. He used money as a substitute for time and attention - something that I’ve also noticed in myself and in the men I go for. Strangely enough, he also had a porn addiction which led to his eventual breakup with my mother (after their relationship was unhappy and dysfunctional for many years). I’m sure I’m attracted to men like my father, and I don’t know how to change that. Maybe I need to have more counselling.

Yes to the counselling.

I have never met a partner/boyfriend/husband when I've been single and wanting to meet someone! It always happens at the point when I've been in the mindset of not thinking or worrying about it. I reckon when I keep my eye open for the right person I must give off a vibe that only attracts men who weren't 'right' for me. It was usually at the point where I did something different to occupy me and meet new people. That's why I don't worry about being a singleton now.

Maybe your best plan would be to say I'm not going to seek out a partner for the next year/two years and trust to good fortune!

You are 28
Enjoy what you currently have.
You have loads and loads of time to find a partner.
I agree with a PP.
Do the Freedom Programme. It might help you a lot.

While you are so so focused on this, your life will pass you by.

Which OLD sites have you tried?
Elite Singles is supposed to be the best one out there.
I don't know though - Tinder works well for me.
But I'm in a completely different age bracket to you!

As a side note - it is ok to enjoy sex with someone- you are using him too? Don’t be so down on yourself!

Your ex’s porn addiction: honestly when they have been watching it for so long they truly cannot get the same sense of satisfaction from normal sex. For a start they develop a ‘death grip’ and your lady bits just no longer cut it!

When you talk about nerds - I get that on date one they might be boring but why not look for someone who shares you interests and then even on date one if he is boring give him a few more chances.

Think twice about being friends with your ex. Seriously why would you stay friends with someone who attacked you? You are very vulnerable I’m sure otherwise you would have waved goodbye long ago.

He is and was dysfunctional. There’s no getting away from it. Quite sad too with a porn addiction.

It sounds like otherwise you are doing great! Please raise your bar high.