Seperated/Fathers Day

[Alibobbob]

We have a court agreement that he has the kids Father’s Day and I have them Mother’s Day. As it happens Father’s Day this year falls on the weekend he should be having the kids.

I was showing the kids an activity which would be nice to do but falls on Father’s Day and explained that they would be with Dad so maybe suggest you do it with him. A chorus of voices told me he wasn’t having them for Father’s Day as he was abroad on holiday - so much for putting kids first ggggrrrr (we can do the aI instead but I can’t book it until he tells me). I don’t want him to have a go so waiting until he tells me.

What do I do? Do I say tough luck you chose to go away so forfeit your weekend or do I swap. Do I have to swap? I know he will demand it.

The children have said you are away the weekend of x date (no mention of fathers day) have you arranged childcare to cover?Also be very very busy before and after. His choice to go on holiday No?
I Don't have a formal arrangement with exh so we swap quite frequently for hols/so that dd's get to see stepsister depending on her weekends with her dad and different half-term/school hols but if he's ignoring court agreement to suit himself then you might not want to be so flexible

See that’s what I am thinking. He tends to let them down every special occasion so I need to know if I can refuse to swap but the kids will be missing him and want to see him. He is such a selfish CF

You can refuse to swap. You have to make them available the weekends specified in the court agreement , you don’t have to offer any alternatives. I wouldn’t given you have obviously had to go through a court agreement to get here and assuming (which seems likely) that he wouldn’t facilitate swaps if you wanted to do something on one of his weekends.
If you book something for Father’s Day is there any risk he tries to screw it up - takes them for half a day that weekend or something?

He won’t be in the country from what the kids have said.

Again he is putting what he wants before what the kids want or need.

i don’t want to feel as though I have to teach him a lesson. It happens every time there is a special occasion he will change or cut short a visit. If I refuse to change the date then he will turn the kids against me again it will be proof of how unreasonable I am.

I see why you are frustrated. Just keep your eyes on what's best for your children.

Do you have an alternative weekend he can have the kids? If yes then that's your back up plan. I'd text him and say something like "just checking your are having the kids on nth weekend". Then it's up to him if he asks for a swap. If he does, then only offer the free weekend that suits you. If he wants a weekend that doesn't suit you, just say "that doesn't work for me". No explanation of why. If he persists then repeat & offer the one that does.

You're clearly showing that you're willing to compromise whilst also clearly showing boundaries. There's nothing there he could possibly show the kids to say "mum's been unreasonable".

How old are your children? Could you even say "oh that's annoying, I can't swap for that weekend. Hopefully Dad is free on x date?"

The kids are old enough to understand to be honest but still he manipulates them. I was wondering what the court’s stance would be. I have been beyond flexible and I think I need to stop accommodating him as it’s still a walk over. I feel as though I am still being controlled. I know he will text me late during the evening of the day before he is due to take them to cancel because that’s the game he plays.

Can you text him asking
'I've found an activity the kids want to do but it would be on x date which you have them for. The kids seem to believe your on holiday at the time so they can do it. Can you please confirm this so I can sort it out for them?'

Making it solely about the children and nothing about him or you.
Then book something for the kids the weekend before and after so that if he demands a swap and you say no. If he moans at the kids you can show you've said no as they are already doing something.

The above from Handsfull sounds about right, except I'd say "The kids have found and activity they want to do....." rather than 'I've found an activity..'

To be honest it was a Father’s Day activity (making a cake and decorating it for Dad). I am really reluctant to contact him as I feel he should contact me to advise that he won’t be available to have the kids on FD. I can’t believe he would choose to go away this weekend knowing he was to have the kids and the crap he has given me over the last year.

Does the activity take place only on that particular weekend?

or

Are you asking that he could potentially take them the following weekend which they are scheduled to be with you, and ask you to swap weekends?

I'd keep it short and simple and jut say "Can you confirm you are having the kids on the weekend of DD/MM as per the court agreement?"

Don't give him any information about activities or swapping weekends. The more information you give these manipulative controlling people the greater the opportunity you give them to mess with you. Keep it concise and business like.

I think your last post answers my question. Doesn't sound like he deserves a cake making for him. But you sound like a good mum who's putting your kids before the your own feelings for your ex.

I agree with Fanny's message at most. Handsfull13 makes it sound like you're almost grateful he's not here.

Personally I'd work on the assumption they're with you and do normal contact.

When will he bother to tell you he isn't here?
Then quote the Court order

You seem to be concerned with what a court would think.

They would take a very dim view of him previously going to court, agreeing access arrangemnts and then cancelling those arrangements esp at the last minute. You shouldhave a life too, you cant be expected to just be free when he decideds he cant be arsed to have them. Keep detailed notes of him failing to keep to the arrangements.

Thanks Fanny got all emotional when I read your comment about me.

I think I am going to wait for him to tell me then ask him to explain why.

I thought the cake decorating workshop would be on the Saturday before and we could do it as a nice surprise but it’s actually on FD.

I think I will find something else to do with them, something special since he won’t be there for such an important day. It’s not as though he’s a bit young and daft he’s 51 FFS.