AIBU recent separation

[SansaStarkofWinterfell]

I have very recently separated from my partner of 9 years. We have a young DS not yet 2. It was my decision to separate after months of saying I'm not happy with XYZ, him doing a bit more to help etc then slipping back to usual behaviour.

To make sure I was confident in my decision I saw a councillor who was so helpful in making me realise I am not responsible for his happiness and I have to feel able to put my needs/ wants first occasionally, which has always been something I've struggled with. Since being a child I've put others needs above my own and was encouraged to do so by my mum for an easier life, think putting more demanding siblings needs before me time and time again and I was always alright with it but now it is standard behaviour.

Anyway, I took the decision to split, I'm only 30 and don't want to wake up in 5-10 years and think shit I've wasted my life with a lazy man who can't even be arsed to wake himself up in the morning, I have to literally do everything! He was/is very upset, but has so far (2-3 weeks) been amicable.

He has moved back with his mum to save for a deposit for his own house (we/I rent) and she smokes heavily. Due to our DS health condition he cannot go to her house because of the smoke so we agreed till he got his own place he could see DS at mine. He works shifts so on an early week will pick DS from childcare, take him home give him tea, bath and bed. Also one day at the weekend when he isn't working he will have DS but I said he will have to take him out somewhere then. On a late week he won't be able to see him so I will have him all week nights and still 1 day at weekend. Every time he has come during the week I've took the opportunity to go out, gym, catching up with friends, shopping etc.

We've just had an argument as he said I'm treating him like a glorified babysitter, and would I be doing this every time? Well no probably not but I'm taking the opportunity to have some time as I didn't get the chance before (he contests this but I didn't very often).

AIBU to think I'm ok to go out when he has DS at my house? When I have him (majority of the time) I'm at home after bedtime which is fine, but why should he be able to swan in and out and do what he wants whenever he wants??

Of course it's fine. He's your child's equal parent. It's good for them to have time alone together. Especially with all of the recent upheaval.

Absolutely you should do this every time - it's his contact time with his child. If he had his own place, you'd go out and do what you wanted while he had the dc, this is no different. I presume he stays home doing nothing while you have the dc, does he?

I would say
A) what would you like me to do when you have DS? Sit around and mope?
B) surely you WANT to see DS so it makes no difference what i do when you are seeing him as you would be seeing him regardless.

Thank you for your replies, that's what I thought but makes me doubt myself!
I have been home at a reasonable time, last night it was a bit late at 9pm as I went to a friends we got chatting etc but not what I would say late?

He will do sweet FA when he's not got DS, one of the reasons for me wanting to split is he is all talk and no action, always too tired from work!

When I have little thoughts of doubt, have i made the right decision, I try to remind myself of these examples and think no your right stick to your guns!

Thank you ladies

I think you need to set some ground rules...

He should be grateful to have his son and give him 100% of his attention.

Write down your son’s routine - my ex didn’t feed my kids or change their nappies when I went out once when they were little

Tell him the house stays tidy and any dishes he uses for your son he cleans, any dirty nappies are put in the bin etc etc etc

You don't babysit your own child. He just wants you around because he's still not willing to pull his weight.

It's for him to spend time with his DS....not with you.

He's probably just jealous you're getting on with your life.

So, what does he think will happen when he gets his own place? surely your child will go to him then? So, does he expect you to go along too and sit there. Of course you're going to take time for yourself.
It sounds like he just doesn;t want you to have a life to be honest.

Wow. He’s a right arsehole. No wonder you dumped him!

What time does your ds go to bed? Because I do actually think, if he has ds in bed by say 7:30, he shouldn't have to then sit around until 9 waiting for you to get home.

Why do you think he shouldn't have to 'sit around', RainySeptember? A babysitter would do that, so surely it goes without saying that a parent should be prepared to do the same? Once DS is asleep, OP's ex can watch the telly or go onto Facebook.

Well IME of contact it would be more usual for him to have ds at his home or take him out, following which he'd drop ds home at the prearranged time where op would be waiting for the handover, wouldn't it?

As it is, he has ds at OP's home and of course she can do whatever she pleases during his contact time, but surely that stops when ds goes to bed? When it's no longer contact time?

You say he's upset about the split so the anger is likely to be more to do with that than actually seeing spending time with his child as "babysitting".

Of course it's contact time. After all, if it was overnight contact, DS would be asleep during the night. And if DS woke up needing the toilet, or having had a nightmare, his daddy would be there to comfort him. It's called parenting.

But it isn't overnight contact is it?

It's 'having ds for tea midweek'.

I think they just need to firm up the details of the contact, definite times, then everyone knows what the expectations are, especially if it'll be awhile before he gets his own place.

OP's not wrong to want to go out for a bit, he's not wrong to resent having to stay in her house after his son is in bed.

Recommended contact time for a toddler is 'one weekend day, daytime only' and recommended contact for a 'young child' is one evening midweek with one overnight stay on the weekend.

So I guess they just need to agree the parameters of the midweek contact.