Am I being shallow?

[Crossmyheart]

Hi, I’ve been in a relationship with a really nice man for coming up to two years now. He is my first relationship since I split up with my husband and he came along when I was in a really bad place.

I had ended my marriage and also had a family bereavement and honestly couldn’t have been any lower. He listened, took me out to places and generally was there for me. I quickly convinced myself I was in love.
He is head over heels and tells me so often. The problem is I’m feeling a bit uncertain. He isn’t very assertive nor practical and I feel I make all the decisions. He doesn’t drive ( not a major deal but a bit of an inconvenience at times).

He is also not great with personal hygiene. Doesn’t wash his hands after the toilet, dental hygiene not always great and I’ve attempted to bring it up politely but he laughs it off. He only wants to be with me and often “jokes” when tipsy/drunk that I want to shag other men.

I’m his first serious relationship ( he is 34) and I’m wondering if he is just insecure. My feelings are changing as I feel like it doesn’t feel right anymore. My friend thinks some people just come into your life at certain times and help you but are not necessarily the one but I’m not sure.

I don’t want to hurt him and genuinely miss him when we’re not together but my feelings are that I can’t see a future with him. I feel awful as I feel he will be heartbroken!

Being insecure doesn't affect your personal hygiene. That would be the killer for me, never mind everything else. A relationship built on pity isn't a proper relationship for either person.

Him not acknowledging your concerns is more the problem here . Part of loving someone is listening to them and he's listening to you regarding his personal hygiene. It doesn't cost anything to be clean and it would put me off too as it's something he could easily fix but chooses to dismiss.

You can’t stay with him out of pity
If you don’t want to be with him anymore the kind thing to do would be to let him go

I should have also said that we have such a brilliant connection emotionally that I have never experienced before and it’s special. I just feel differently than I did at the start and don’t know why

Too many people on this site say run. Wonder why divorce is so high??? If you have the connection talk to him. Be honest. I couldn't tell you how much worse it is when people aren't honest to try save feelings and face. If your serious and love each other you will be able to talk things through. If not.. then you have your answer. Speak to him and tell him your concerns. Sober. Good luck!

You’re not attracted to him. Don’t force it. He’s been a supportive FRIEND to you. That doesn’t mean you have to feel comfortable opening your vagina to him.

Incidentally, would he be as “nice” if he didn’t see you as an easy target/sexual prospect?

no other women seem to have wanted him so maybe he’s just desperate?

If he did really care about being in a relationship he’d brush his teeth rather than passive aggressively whine about you wanting to sleep with other men (yuck, sounds clingy and jealous)

Red flags with his digs about you wanting to sleep with other men.( That's what I've spent my marriage being accused of). Personal hygiene is necessary for me and I can't imagine being attracted to man who didn't wash.

But anyway, regardless, you can't stay with someone out of pity if you're not attracted to them.

Wonder why divorce is so high???

In my opinion it is because people like the OP are encouraged to ignore their concerns about their relationship and make a commitment based on just one aspect of the relationship being ok.

You need to like the whole person and you need to be able to live with his faults.

I think your friends are telling you that this man was a lovely person for you to meet at the time but not someone you should be with long term. And I think you are beginning to tell yourself that too.

That's ok. Just because you like him doesn't mean you have to be with him forever. It is ok to say "thanks you are lovely but it is over"

As lovers it sounds over. Back away. He's not your responsibility.
I have had similar, apart from the hygiene issue the physical side was just over.
Long story but I will leave it saying I spent 13 years of my life wondering why I didn't feel happy. He was generous and supportive. The love had simply gone. However we are still friends 7 years on.

We have split up once before and I missed his company so we ended up back together. Unfortunately, I keep having an unsettled feeling that it doesn’t feel right. He has been there for me but I think I’m convincing myself because of that we should be together. I really felt like I loved him but maybe he came along at a time I needed him and two years later it’s like I can see it won’t work.