Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend with incurable cancer, what do I say/do?

17 replies

Iwannabethebridesmaid · 16/05/2018 17:32

I've just found out by chance, through someone that I rarely have connection with, that someone close-ish to me has been diagnosed with incurable cancer & has less than a year to live. I'm not sure what to say or do? They might not want people knowing? Wwyd?

OP posts:
Owllady · 16/05/2018 17:35

Do you feel you want to get in touch? If you do, just do and leave it to them to mention it and then just carry on being yourself. People who are ill want to live as normally as possible ime and want to be known as 'Kath' or 'Denise' not the one to be pitied. Otoh it's obvious if they are down you just behave as you would when they are normally down.

TwitterQueen1 · 16/05/2018 17:37

You say 'close-ish', how close is this? When did you last see them? Did you know that they were ill? Would they think it odd if you rang up and suggested a coffee?

I'm sure you wouldn't, but don't go in full of drama and "OMG, I've just heard, how awful, poor you, isn't it terrible, how do you feel?" That won't help at all is very patronising and unnecessary.

They might welcome the chance to talk, they might not. But you could show you care by suggesting little things every couple of weeks - a trip to the garden centre, a film, a coffee in town etc.

Original poster
Iwannabethebridesmaid · 16/05/2018 17:39

I think they're too poorly with chemo/surgery at the moment. How about if I put a card through the door?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwannabethebridesmaid · 16/05/2018 17:40

Their spouse was my best friend but the spouse died.

OP posts:
Owllady · 16/05/2018 17:42

What will you say on the card though?
Can you just jollyly text them something, how are you etc?

Tailfeather · 16/05/2018 17:43

Oh no, that's even sadder. Do they have children?

A card through the door seems a good idea. Have you seen the empathy cards by Emily McDowell? She had cancer and hated that people were too scared to say anything or didn't know what to say (very normal) and that all cards said things like 'thinking of you' on cards that had been designed for when people have died. I'll find a link...

HMC2000 · 16/05/2018 17:45

A card through the door would be nice. If you don't know what to say, then just say that you're thinking of them. You could add that they should get in touch if there's anything you can do, or they fancy a coffee, but only say that if you really mean it.

TwitterQueen1 · 16/05/2018 17:46

Yes, a blank card or a Thinking of You one. With something like "So sorry to hear you are unwell. My number is xxxxx - please do let me know if there is anything I can do, even if it's only to pop round for a coffee."

haba · 16/05/2018 18:09

I was going to recommend the Emily McDowell cards too. Cancer's so shit, isn't it?

Pickleypickles · 16/05/2018 18:39

Pop a card in the post but dont turn up unannounced would be my advice. My best friend died in march after a short battle with cancer and she said one of the worst things was people turning up out of the blue that she hadn't spoken to in years when she was at her worst. I am sure this isnt what was intended by people but she said it felt almost as if people were doing to make themselves feel better rather than to make her feel better. She did appreciate the cards though so i think a card with your number, if they want to contact you then they can.

TwitterQueen1 · 16/05/2018 18:43

just jollyly text them Don't do this under any circumstances. How crass.

forumdonkey · 16/05/2018 18:51

I disagree Twitterqueen1, I think a text that doesn't need a reply can be appropriate and not necessarily crass. If friend does want to correspond, it's easier to reply to a text and open communication if they want to than with a card. If it's worded so it doesn't need a reply then if they don't want to they can leave it without feeling obliged to.

Original poster
Iwannabethebridesmaid · 16/05/2018 18:51

I just don't want to get it wrong Sad

OP posts:
SnowGoArea · 16/05/2018 18:53

I like the card idea.

You could include your contact details and add that there's no pressure to respond at all, but if they wanted to/felt up to it, then it would be wonderful to hear from them.

I'm not sure about the 'if there's anything I can do' bit to be honest. It seems so... trite, altjougb it's a nice sentiment. It's what everyone says but only really has value (or could be taken up on) once you've reestablished any closeness. I'd save that bit for if they would like to be in touch or meet up. If they would, then you can offer lifts, meals etc on top of friendship.

SnowGoArea · 16/05/2018 18:54

That said, it's obviously just my own take. Certainly nothing wrong with offering help, and it's a nice thing to do.

TwitterQueen1 · 16/05/2018 18:56

It's the 'jolly' bit that's crass - not the text. There's nothing jolly about terminal cancer.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread