How to handle DH considering going NC with his parents?

[ThePartyArtist]

DH is considering going NC with his parents. Obviously it is his choice and his relationship, but I am feeling very anxious about it. It seems very sad to sever the relationship, particularly as our son is his parents' only grandchild. I'm just not sure how to deal with it.

Background - DH and his parents are not close. Neither side tends to initiate contact (apart from a superficial family whats app chat involving others too). They are very different people and also his parents live overseas so we rarely see them. When we do see them, everyone gets on on a fairly superficial, polite level. I think my DH really wants to have a better relationship with them but accepts it won't happen.

DH has always felt he's the black sheep but the thing that's triggered him to consider going NC is some therapy he's been having the past few months. We had some issues in our relationship and he self referred to a group therapy thing that's about dealing with aggressive behavior. I have said all along that I think his difficult relationship with his dad is a lot of the reason for this. Now he's had several months of therapy he is thinking a lot about this (says he lies awake at night thinking of it etc.) He has become very preoccupied with his childhood relationship with his father - who could be domineering, a bully, and quite intolerant of DH throughout my DH's childhood. In my DH's adulthood where there was an incident of his father being violent towards him - he's become very preoccupied with this lately and seems to have a real hatred of his father boiling away, says he doesn't want him having a relationship with our toddler etc.

A few months ago his parents came to stay unannounced and afterwards DH told them by text message that they are welcome to visit but next time we'd like them to run dates by us in advance please. They never replied, and DH thought they were in a huff but I thought they'd just forgotten. We have recently learned from his sister that they got very upset about this. In fact they haven't really spoken to us since, and have stopped showing much interest in their grandson on the family whats app - which is really their only engagement with him, due to the distance. I feel very upset by this and inclined to make amends (i.e. clarify the situation with them, without backing down from our principal that they should ask before visiting).

I feel really conflicted. On the one hand, going NC would not look very different from life as it is now. We rarely see them and if we don't initiate whats app conversation they don't either. We never talk on the phone anyway so that'd be no change. I find them fairly irritating etc. (in that typical inlaw way) so not having their company would be no great loss. HOWEVER, I feel extremely sad when I think of him severing the relationship. It would deprive our son of a relationship with his grandparents, and just make everything so unpleasant. From a practical perspective, it'd make things awkward with his two sisters as how do you maintain contact with them and not the parents? And I'm not sure there is much to be gained from it - it won't change his father's previous behavior towards him, or help the father to understand what went wrong.

How do I approach this with my husband? If it comes up in conversation he ends up extremely upset. I counsel against doing anything drastic or depriving our son of the relationship, and say it would just be a very sad thing all round, which you probably can't go back from. However I know ultimately it is my DH's choice, and I can see the relationship is not a good one and that he has been badly treated by his father.

You need to support your dh's decision not to allow your ds to be subjected to a relationship with the fil.
No big announcements needed, just back off - as they have anyway. Keep in touch with the dsis's and if they enquire direct them to your dh, doubt they will actually ask him about it!
We are nc with my ils as per dh's request.

It sounds like he already has strong boundaries where they are concerned to the extent that his parents aren't physically intruding in your lives. He should consider that going NC might not be the panacea for his emotional turmoil regarding them that he hopes it would be. Can you advise him to read a book like Susan Forward's Toxic Parents, which should give him various strategies to explore?

If things won’t be all that different from now, if I were you I’d just step back and let your husband decide - and support him in his decision.
It sounds like you are most concerned with the relationship that have with your own son. It would be more of a big deal if your son saw them all there time and had a close relationship with them. But it sounds as if he doesn’t so in that respect what will he really be missing if he doesn’t have any contact with his grandparent’s?

Thanks everyone for so many replies so quickly...

No, my DS wouldn't notice at all, he doesn't see them often enough to know who they are. I would just feel very sad that they and he would be missing out on the relationship.

It's odd, because when DS was born, my DH's parents seemed to transform. We all found common ground, they respected our way of doing things, and their adoration of him was clear. But it feels like it's fizzled out. I just sense little or no interest when we send photos - but at the same time I feel oddly obliged to, because they used to respond with such delight and I know it's all they see of him.

I think you're right - life wouldn't actually be much different if he went NC (assuming there was no big announcement / confrontation). I am just concerned that he won't feel happier for doing this. I think it'll eat him up. It just seems so drastic.

Yes, that's my concern too. My DH has a low contact relationship with his own parents and struggles most times he does see them (he takes our children to see them occasionally), but is convinced it would be harder for him if he was to go NC. I can see his point. It has to be the right decision for him. But you do have to respect that decision if he makes it and not add to any pressure by communicating your sadness at the loss of the GP relationship.

Reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward may help you as well. You at all trying to smooth things over with his parents (and this dynamic certainly predates you ) will simply come back and bite you hard on the behind; his family are not nice like yours and will not ever play fair. The rulebook re familial relations goes out the window when it comes to dysfunctional families.

What is your DH's role within his family of origin, it may well be one of scapegoat. I am also wondering what his sisters dynamic is like re their parents; it may be that both of them or one of them is more favoured. Yet another reason to keep all these people well away from your family unit.

You have likely come from an emotionally healthy family yourself and your thinking re family relationships reflects that but your DH has not been so fortunate here. If your parents are nice then concentrate on them. Your son can have a relationship with his maternal grandparents. Children need healthy role models as grandparents, not those who abuse that privilege by behaving dreadfully awful to their now adult offspring (and in turn you and your child also). You yourself find them irritating and neither side seems to initiate much if any contact. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not have done. His family are no different.

Your DH has decided to protect himself going forward from being further abused and mistreated by his parents. He is saying no more, that is his line in the sand.

Support him in his decision which has been a long time in coming; going no contact is never made on a whim or fancy. That is the best thing you can do for your own family unit. The familial dysfunction in your H's family of origin certainly predates your arrival and goes back many years, perhaps even a generation or two.

Respect his decision to not expose your son to an aggressive and potentially violent grandfather.

Support his continual quest to heal from his abusive childhood.

Continue a relationship with his sisters, just don’t talk about their parents. Smile and nod if they do ( I am non contact with my mum. My brothers are in contact to differing degrees. It has not effected my relationship with either of them)

But The biggest thing. Respect his decision. You sound a little in the FOG (fear obligation guilt- look it up) so I suggest you step back and let it be.

At the end of the day he can end the NC but he needs to go through this first.

"No, my DS wouldn't notice at all, he doesn't see them often enough to know who they are. I would just feel very sad that they and he would be missing out on the relationship".

What relationship?. You hardly have any relationship with them as it is and his dad has not likely changed since your DHs own childhood.

Your job amongst many as parents is to protect your son from poor influences and you say they are irritating in their own right. Look properly at how they have treated your H over the years here. There is really no relationship to speak of at all.

Your feelings on this matter are based I think primarily on your own experience within your family of origin. You are nice and kind but not all people let alone relatives are or feel the same. You were fortunate to be raised in an emotionally healthy family, your DH was not.

I would agree that reading up on fear, obligation and guilt could do you a favour as well.

I feel very upset by this and inclined to make amends
Why?
There is no reason for this.
I think you are probably a 'people pleaser'
Well, they are your DH parents and you follow his lead.
So you want them to go all gaga with every pic you send them of your DS.
But it's not happening anymore.
You'll lose nothing here and it may be just what your DH needs to help him come to terms with all that he's been through with them.

I know you can't envisage this, but if a person chooses to go NC with their parents it is an extremely difficult decision to make and unless your H is prone to making huge sweeping gaffes, cutting people off left right and centre, vindictive and petty behaviour, one could reliably consider that this is an agonised decision and the choice to sever ties is the last option left to him to protect himself and his child from people who DON'T bring any likelihood of a warm, loving and positive relationship.

You're a nice person, that's why he loves you and chose you for his partner. thank god for you and your kindness and normality.

Please respect his decision, support him in it, he knows them better than you do.

Yes its a shame, it is sad, but they are NOT kind, safe people to be around. Nothing you do or don't do will change this, likewise nothing your H does or doesnt to will either.

But your DC doesn't have a relationship with them does he? So what on earth is he missing out on? I think you are bothered by the idea of a nice GC/GP relationship that doesn't actually exist in reality, nor is it ever likely too given the geographical distance and their can't-be-arsed-to-get-in-contact attitude.

You need to respect your DH's decision on this one - they are his parents after all, and he's the one who is having to live with and come to terms with their treatment of him.

I also don't see why you can't continue to have a relationship with his sisters - they don't come as a package.

Follow your DH lead on this. They're his parents, he is going through a very tough emotional time and needs you to be on his team desperately. Also NC is reversible. The most important thing here is your DHs healing.

You keep saying that you feel sad about the loss of the relationship between your ILs and your DS, but there isn't one!

What you're really sad about is the final recognition that it will never be the relationship that you had hoped it would be. It's not the relationship itself that you're mourning, but your hopes that you had.

Get rid of those hopes, recognize them for what they are, mourn their loss, but recognize the REALITY of the situation, and not the hopeful wish list that you have held in your heart. Then deal with that reality. It will be a lot easier to support your DH if he chooses to go no contact if you've already managed to process the loss of the hoped for relationship in your head.

As sad as a limited relationship with a grandparent may or may not be, nothing is healthier for a child than to see their parents united and supporting one another. NC makes no massive difference to your child's life as so little of the grandparents is seen anyway.

Support your husband. They are his parents and you respect his choice.

You’re making this about you, you need to support him.

It sounds like you have your own issues to work through. Your son ‘missing out’ doesn’t make much sense because he doesn’t have a relationship with them now. Support your H and don’t hide behind DS missing out to explain your discomfort.

You need to respect your DH decision on this. You don’t have a say on this. His childhood has clearly impacted his entire life. His father sounds awful and he may not want to expose his DC to his parents whom in his experience are toxic.

Support your DH.