Affection - fake it 'till you make it?

[RockMeetScissors]

I need a bit of advice. My husband is going through a low libido phase and asked me to be a bit understanding until he figures out why he feels this way. We've had a tough winter, both working hard and being away from home so it definitely wore us down. He even started therapy to make himself feel better. Our life is still the same - we text during the day, I know where he is, he does his share in the house and with the kids, he even calls me for half an hour on his drive home to talk about our day even though we meet at home soon after. But he has withdrawn physically and avoids spending "couple time" alone. No "I love yous" and no sex (only once since he told me how he feels). Until the talk we had a very good sex life.
Even after our talk he kept kissing me hello/goodbye/goodnight, but I felt weird about it and asked him to not do it unless he means it. He said it feels normal to him. So now he stopped doing that too, because I think he's not sure how to act towards me physically, he knows he put me in an awkward position. So we're stuck in a stale mate. He smiles if I show him affection - petting his arm or giving him a hug or a kiss.
My question is: should I slowly re-instate these little normalcies in our life, or is this the time for me to be physically distant?

I hate to say this, but are you sure there's nothing going on in his life in terms of new friendships or another woman?

So you know where he is every second of every day and night??
Sorry but I'd be suspecting that someone has turned his head or there is OW in the background somewhere.
How is he with his phone or tablet?
Can you access them?
How has his mood been?
Could he be depressed?

You say that he has started therapy so let that be your guide.
Ask him how its going if he discusses low libido with his therapist and if he thinks there is a point when you can attend these sessions with him or see a sex therapist seperately.
If kissing hello and goodbye feels normal to him I would reinstate that as ending it would feel like you are rejecting him.

I would not push it any further untill youve met with his therapist or discussed the reason for the therapy with him.

There could always be another woman I guess. But I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and am trying to make things as harmonious as possible as we figure this out. Hence - distance myself or keep the little normal things normal?

Good Grief, why does "Man doesn't want sex" always have to mean affair on here? Men have their sexual ups and downs, just like anyone else.

OP, I know this probably feels like a bit of a kick in the teeth to you but it probably really isn't about you. Your husband hasn't said he doesn't love you, or that he doesn't fancy you. He's lost his sex drive and its probably scaring the shit out of him (I speak from experience).

As far as I can see he's being quite adult about it, he's seeing a therapist to get to the route cause of the issue, and in the mean time he was still trying to be as affectionate with you as he could be before you stopped him.

I'd try and get back to that point, kiss hello and goodnight, affectionate pats every now and then, and take you cues from him as to whether you go any further.

And try and separate his love for you from his attraction for you, and from his libido. They're 3 completely separate things, and a drop in one doesn't directly correlate to a drop in any of the others.

Thanks for the male perspective, fdgdfg
It’s impossible for me to not worry there’s more to it he’s keeping to himself...

You wouldn't be human if it didn't worry you. And I'm not saying there's no chance he's up to something. But some of the people on here jump to affair straight away, and I don't think that's necessarily helpful. There are a million reasons he might not be feeling it, stress, illness, tiredness for instance.
By all means keep an eye out for other signs, but confronting him about an affair that you have absolutely no proof of is only going to drive him further away.

Just to make a point, there's a thread on the first page of this topic about women who've gone off sex. No-one is accusing them of having affairs.

I agree with fdgd which is what my comment was about.
Tbf I cant think of any men that will go into therapy and claim they cant get it up as a way to mask an affair while still being attentive in the way you describe.
Also the default reaction on this board is ltb its an affair in response to a lot of things.

sometimeitrains Yes, that’s why I’m trying to be patient for now. I’m not completely naive, but for now I’m gonna try to be supportive (until proven otherwise). To be honest I’m more worried about him avoiding spending time just with me and saying I love you.

Shying away from physical contact due to loss of libido is plausible , but he’s refusing to say “I love you”? To me that’s two different things and I’d have serious issues with the latter.

Not going to lie, but it’s not looking good.

By any chance was couples time and the I love you declerations a prelude to sex or intimacy?
Could it be that he just wants to avoid situations where he feels under pressure to perform?
To me the fact that he is in therapy is more telling than the distancing, unless therapy is his slot with an other woman.

Does he have issues with upfront conversations could you not just ask him how therapy is going?

Yes I'd want to know how he feels therapy is working for him too. I also think it seems counter productive to not engage in everyday affection. Becomes a vicious circle then.

Erectile dysfunction

Is there any erectile dysfunction? I would return normalcies and take the pressure right off sex. Each compile a list of nice things you can do together and reconnect as partners. Make time for that at least once a week. You've had a shit winter- stress is a fucker. See how that goes.

Hey OP,

When I was going through my issues I stopped going to bed at the same time as my DP. I'm a night owl and she's really not so 3 - 4 times a week I'd make the effort to go to bed at the same time as she did, just so we'd have an opporunity to have sex.

I didn't want sex so I just stopped it. I wasn't directly trying to avoid my DP, it was just my usual feedback loop going "Do I fancy a shag tonight, no, bung a Star Trek on the TV instead". I don't think I was even conciously aware of it, let alone deliberately trying to avoid her. I hadn't told my DP that I was dealing with some issues, so it certainly wasn't something that I discussed with her.

However, what was a tiny part of the overall problem for me, was absolutely huge for my DP. I suppose for her that was "couples time", even in the probably 50% of cases when there was no sex, we just hugged and talked and fell asleep. I felt that we'd just spent a couple of hours together on the sofa, so half an hour doing the same in bed wasn't an issue for me, but for her it was massive.

So she stewed, and worried, and started feeling resentful, for about 2 months until she finally exploded at me, which led to a far bigger problem than if she'd just asked 2 weeks in "Why have you stopped coming to bed"

A mate of mine got in a ton of shit with his missus a few years ago when she realised he only said "I love you" post shag. For her it was disrespectful, a sign that he only wanted her for sex. For him, he always loved her, however the post coital blissed out period was when he felt comfortable saying it. Again, she sat on it for months, until she couldn't deal with it any more and left him. It took them six months to work out their issues and get back together, and now he's aware of the behavior he says the words more often.

What I'm trying to say is that communication is going to be key to trying to get through this. Libido is a powerful part of a persons psyche, and loss of it will lead to behavior changes that your husband may not even be aware of. Talk to him, ask him why these things have changed, try not to be judgey or try and pressure him into changing them. He may not have the answers for you straight away, he may not even be aware that he's doing certain stuff. But it'll make him think about things, and that can only help.

I'm going to gracefully exit this thread now as I think I'm getting dangerously close to coming across as "mansplainy". Good luck OP, I hope your husband manages to sort his shit out and that you both get a happy outcome.

I didn’t want to intrude, he did volunteer his first therapy session went well, but was too short. He has his second tomorrow. It’s very hard to get an appointment here and there can be waiting lists, so it’s only just started. The “I love you” thing really hurts.

fdg, I really appreciate your input, please stick around.
There have been a few bounds of dysfunction, but then they would pass. I can’t say his sex drive has ever been over the top.

I think touch can
Open a doorway, so I think you could try touching affectionately and see if it begins to make a connection.
You might need to tell him that you won’t take it as a come on, as he may be holding back so that he doesn’t initiate a sexual response in you that you, and then disappoint you.

A big thank you to everyone answering, it’s really helpful. I don’t want to add to whatever he’s going through, but I also feel the need to protect myself and it’s hard not to question every little thing.

OK, so if the "I love yous" are the part that really hurts, lets focus on that. When things were going great, when and how often did he say it. Was it just during "Couple time" or was it when he was leaving for work in the morning etc.

Is it something that's been discussed at all by the two of you, and if so what did he say?

If you've not discussed it, then you need to. Calmly. He needs to understand that for you, its a bigger issue than the sex thing. He'll probably be confused that you've been spurning the affection he has felt able to offer, but need this.

For his part, he needs to be able to explain to you why he's stopped saying it. Maybe not immidiately, he may need to sort through his own stuff in his head or at therapy, so give him a day or so to mull it over and come back to you, but let him know that this is the part that is really upsetting you and that he owes you that much of a response. Calmly.

Of course, it needs to be an honest answer, and of course there's a possibility that its an answer you don't like very much, but it'll leave you that step further forward.

You do seem to be tiptoeing around him a bit at the moment, which is probably helping him a great deal, but your emotions are valid in this as well. If you need something from him, reassurance, answers, then ask for them. But focus on the part that's really important to you, the rest will hopefully follow

Mansplainy
I like it. If only this was something I could get my google speaker to do.

Rockmeetscissors if this is only his second session you have a fair wait before the work starts. First and second sessions are often about just getting an understanding of the client and their issues.