Understand how to leave please

[namechanger4097]

DH has been distant for years since birth of DD1(8). He’s had an affair with his secretary for a year and a half in hotels at lunchtime (since ended) whilst telling me for a year it was all in my head and I’m being unreasonable. He lies a lot. He drinks too much. He gets defensive when called out on his lies - last night I was away with work and I called him and he didn’t answer, so I whatsapped him and could see he was online and he didn’t answer and when I told him I could see he was online and not answering (he was out with affair friends) he told me I was imagining it as his phone was on battery save mode and I’m paranoid (maybe so). Even though in counselling he’s promised not to go out with these people. He is financially pushy (minor abusive) and he has never acknowledged the hurt he’s caused me. I’m solvent although the mortgage is huge and I’m worried if I leave him he’ll drink himself to death. And I love him; far more than he loves me. But if I stay he’ll never be tactile or apologetic or protective or caring. And I’m tediously catholic and insecure and want to keep treading water. I’m keeping on the counselling and helping him and meanwhile I know I’m flogging a dead horse but I don’t know how to go.

Omg he is an abuser! Serious gas lighting there telling you the cheating is all in your head! Among everything else!

You have to leave and stop all contact. He will try everything under the sun to get you back, male you feel guilty, etc.

You can't give in, stay away. Stay strong!

Contact women's aid and other local women's organisations for help and support.

Good luck xxx

Thank you! My friends and mutual friends tell me the same and yet I’m busy and anxious and I want to fix him - which I know deep down is crap as he’s broken and not the man I thought I knew 12 years ago.

You cannot fix another person. Full stop. Waste of your energy. You can, on the other hand, try to fix yourself. Get personal counselling and work out how not to be a spectator of your own life.

I think you know that you need to leave and that you are eventually going to (or he will leave you). I think the real question is how much more of your life are you going to waste? Are you going to leave him when you have nothing else to give or leave now? Love honestly means nothing when it comes to abuse, you'll find someone else you can love who also loves you.

You're not treading water at all, you are actively not waving but drowning.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. What example did your parents show you?. Who taught you to be codependent in relationships?. Are you also codependent in relationships; it certainly seem like it and its an emotional state that is doing you no favours at all. You're most likely confusing love with codependency as well; what is there to love about this man?.

What makes you think you can fix him; you really cannot. You are far too over invested and under qualified to help him too, not that he wants your help and support anyway. What is still in this for you?.
What you have tried to date has not and will not work; time to invest in you via counselling to unpick this and start to properly love your own self for a change.

He really did hit the jackpot when he met you (were you very young as well) because your boundaries are now practically non existent. You have stayed despite his affairs, drinking to excess, his gaslighting of you, his financial abuse and other poor behaviours.

The person I feel really sad for here apart from you is your DD of 8; what is she learning about relationships from the two of you as her parents?. She sees a cheating, drunkard financial abusive gaslighting dad whilst her chronically insecure mother hand wrings whilst mired in her own fear, obligation and guilt re her toxic husband. What sort of relationships is she going to have as an adult when the template you are both showing her is a dysfunctional abusive one. Similar to how yours is now.

I'm not very eloquent in the mornings OP. But...DH does not deserve your help. As PP have said, you cannot "fix" another person. You deserve a much better life away from him. And your DD needs to see you as an example of what a strong woman does when treated badly. Please leave this miserable excuse for s man. You can do this.

If it's your Catholicism that keeps you in the marriage, why not look into getting a judicial separation? To all intents and purposes it's the same as a divorce, and will give you your freedom.

What is there to 'fix' here.
He's quite happy having affairs.
He's happy drinking or he would take steps to stop.
He's abusive.
You are not a professional.
You cannot fix him

You can however, save yourself from this half life.
I cannot stress enough how short life can be.
Stop wasting it.
Stop subjecting your poor DD to this awful life and this sham of a model for a relationship.
She will choose someone just like her dad.
Because that is her normal and that is what she will think she should do.
Would a man like this be good enough for your DD?
Nope - didn't think so.
So he's not good enough for you.

He's a liar, cheat, abuser and cunt!!
Get him gone and do it fast.

Some help from Al-Anon might help you as well.

Oh please call on your friends for support and get rid of this horrible nasty man; you're mental health will improve greatly; stop accepting his shit behaviour, who cares what he says, he will say anything as long as it benefits him, I am sorry OP but he does not care a job about you; look at his actions, absolutely awful, it won't get better, you can't fix him and get angry and stop putting him on a pedestal and yourself in the gutter, look after you, he as sure as hell won't, he'll continue to make your life a misery, only you can change the situation.

Thanks for responding. I needed that. So many times I’ve thought I should make him go but life moves on, we go for dinner, I get distracted and I turn around and it’s a month later and the unhappiness is just there buzzing in the background. I wouldn’t want my DCs with a partner like him, no. I’ve asked my friend to recommend her solicitor - I have no idea about how you’d split finances or contact or tell the kids but I guess millions of people have managed to do it already. I need to stay strong. I’ll come back and read these posts above. It helps to know I’m not being crazy or paranoid - I know how pathetic that reads when I write it.

Please make plans to leave -I have wasted so much life before making the decision. It's hard but you would not want it for your child.

You don't have to have it all sorted out now. The financial split, contact with the DC etc will all get sorted. There is no need to 'fix' everything right now.

What has happened to you that you feel the need to 'fix' everything? Did you have to do too much as a child? Did you have a flaky parent that couldn't be relied on?

You do know that he is just as capable as you are of being a good person, a loving partner and parent as you are. He just doesn't want to. And there is nothing in the world you can do to make him want to, there just isn't.

What he DOES want is the convenience of a wife, who will sleep with him, cook for him, wash for him, and be there at his beck and call, but he also wants to do whatever the heck he wants to outside of the home.

So take one step at a time, put yourself and your DC first. Your H is a big boy, he can take care of himself.

It sounds as if you do know deep down that your marriage is over and you are effectively living a lie.

Your kids deserve better than having to see you being demeaned.

I think you need practical steps to follow now to pave the way to your freedom and new life without this man.

Go and see a good divorce solicitor and ask if they can recommend a good source of support for divorce and separation.

I need to fix everything. Friends problems, helping the receptionists at work with benefits or housing, my stupid DH. There’s nothing I can’t try to fix except me. I feel a lot daft when I type that. Alcoholic dad and people pleasing, non-coping mum. I know, I know. But I appreciate the forthright moral support and I will see the solicitor and am psyching myself up more than I ever had.

I figured there had to be something like that.

You had a people pleasing mum. Do you want people pleasing DC or do you want to teach them to value themselves? Because the best way to teach them, is to set them the example. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for them.

Oh and PLEASE get yourself some therapy. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be with someone who wants YOU to be happy.

Thank you. I’m sitting here in tears knowing you’re all right.