Hi Holly, mine went through a lot of the stages of grief basically, there was denial (I was too angry, making a decision out of anger, I hadn't really opened up in counselling), there was anger - some of the stuff he said was awful, trying to make out I wanted "blood money" as part of the divorce settlement (he was abusive and didn't like the fact that I wanted an equal settlement - according to him I didn't deserve it?!) as well as some other horrible stuff. There were tears too - begging, telling me he loved me, that we could move, he would do anything for me (except listen to me and stop abusing me!) etc.
It still happens now and again - when we have to discuss the divorce (we still have to live together unfortunately), he gets pissy and patronising. I can hear him sobbing/crying in his room etc.
My last couple of sessions alone at Relate (we tried counselling - I did it more for him as I had made a decision, was just too scared to admit it I think), our counsellor told me not to get into any more conversations with STBEx about the whys etc. He told me to go grey rock - just keep repeating the same thing over and over again (it's over because i don't trust you anymore), because anything I do say he will try to argue/reason with and then ultimately confuse me. That helps. To be honest, when he's being pissy and generally a twat it helps as it makes me realise I have made the right decision.
It's hard, but in order to protect myself, I shut down, I know I do it and it seems to work. Ex has on a couple of occasions asked if we could make it work - because we've been getting on (only because I have kept my mouth shut and not rocked the boat when inside I am raging!). I keep having to say no, my reasons haven't changed. He does trot out the "I love you" etc.
None of it is easy and it does catch up with me (this week has been "fun" crying every other bloody day), but there's light at the end of the tunnel and I have good friends that I can vent to about him.
The feeling sorry for the ex is the hardest bit to counter I think - it is easier when he's angry as it justifies why I am leaving, when he's crying and sad, I do feel bad for him, but I have to remember why I am doing this and hold on to that. I also remind myself that he has made me cry like that for years and ignored me when I said I was scared of him, that he's violent etc - now I suppose it's his turn.