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Original poster

Is this a red flag?

24 replies

Blendedfamilies · 15/05/2018 21:39

Been dating about six months. He has a good relationship with his ex wife, who is the mother of his four children. He is also still friends with an old girlfriend.

Red flag or not?

OP posts:
Grumpyoldblonde · 15/05/2018 21:46

A green light I'd say if he is genuinely respectful of these women and accepts things just didn't work out.

TheMonkeyMummy · 15/05/2018 21:49

Seems like a big plus to men

TheMonkeyMummy · 15/05/2018 21:49

To me, not to men!

dirtybadger · 15/05/2018 21:49

Green flag! Wait, are green flags a thing?

Unless by "get along" and "friends" you mean "I think he is receiving nudes" or "wont stop talking about".

Brakebackcyclebot · 15/05/2018 21:54

I am married. I have a good relationship with the father of my children, not because I really like him, but because he is the father of my children, and it is best for them that we are friendly. I am friends with more than one ex boyfriend.

No red flags there.

More red flags would fly for me if he hated his ex-wife and slagged her off all the time, and had not a good word to say about any of the previous women in his life. THAT would worry me.

Original poster
Blendedfamilies · 15/05/2018 22:00

Unless by "get along" and "friends" you mean "I think he is receiving nudes" or "wont stop talking about".

I’m pretty certain he’s not receiving nudes! Nor even mention them much at all. Only if I ask.

Phew, I will stop worrying then. My last boyfriend was someone who cut his exes out of his life as soon as the relationship was over. Not in a nasty way but just because his attitude was that once it’s over, it’s over. And unless you share children, there is no reason to keep in touch. So just a very different attitude that I’m not used to I suppose.

OP posts:
TheRealMotherGoose · 15/05/2018 22:04

A green light. How nice that they can still get along.

Starlighter · 15/05/2018 22:07

I think this is the complete opposite of a red flag. As long as the relationships are purely platonic, I think it’s a great sign.

category12 · 15/05/2018 22:11

I'd say it was a positive sign - it's a red flag when the exes are all "mad vindictive bitches" etc. Being able to stay on good terms with the mother of his dc and past girlfriends would suggest he's been decent enough in both relationship & break-up situations.

Original poster
Blendedfamilies · 15/05/2018 22:24

I think this is the complete opposite of a red flag. As long as the relationships are purely platonic, I think it’s a great sign.

This is so reassuring to read! I am as sure as I can be that the relationships are platonic, and with his ex wife, mostly about the children. The old girlfriend is a little more complicated I think in that I have a hunch that she is still in love with him but I am as certain as I can be that he does not return those feelings. But he cares about her and is happy to talk to her when she needs advice.

OP posts:
Lemonyknickers · 17/05/2018 16:55

I'm friends with all but two of my ex's, even the boyfriends from when I was 16! Some are also family friends. They're nice people, I know what I saw in them, I also know why we broke up and have no interest in being with anyone except my DH. I too would see it more as a green flag, shows you're not an arsehole when things get tough!

MyKingdomForBrie · 17/05/2018 17:00

Two different scenarios then.

The mother of his kids - green flag.

The ex - potential red flag depending on the nature of their friendship and why he is sustaining it. Does he get a kick out of her still being into him or is it a genuine residual friendship?

0range99 · 17/05/2018 17:05

XH and I are friendly and polite, we chat on handover. I would hope that a new woman on the scene would see that as a good thing - I feel nothing for him other than as a co-parent.

In reality he still bores me when I talk to him and I get annoyed by his frequent inflexibility but outwardly I don't show it as I want to maintain a good relationship for the sake of the kids.

Dozer · 17/05/2018 17:07

Depends on the frequency and nature of his contact with the mother of his DC and other ex. I don’t think it’s a good sign for him to be “giving advice” and a listening ear to the ex, for example.

Karigan1 · 17/05/2018 17:09

Completely the opposite. :)

Original poster
Blendedfamilies · 18/05/2018 00:15

The ex - potential red flag depending on the nature of their friendship and why he is sustaining it. Does he get a kick out of her still being into him or is it a genuine residual friendship?

I (gently) asked him about this. He said that he’d thought a lot about their friendship since I brought it up and realised it was getting in the way of us moving forward. She’ll probably contact him at some point (it’s always her getting in touch, never the other way round) and he’s going to start distancing himself.

Does this sound like a good man? I’ve been stung so many times in the past. But all of my instincts say that he is a keeper. I really really hope so.

OP posts:
Aminuts23 · 18/05/2018 00:20

He sounds lovely. A man who vilifies his exes in my experience is usually dodgy and that would fly massive red flags for me. My ‘best’ ex is still one of my best friends and we have a lot of time and respect for one another, we also have a respectful but friendly distance in some ways so as not to blur any boundaries. I don’t think you have anything to worry about here.

Original poster
Blendedfamilies · 18/05/2018 00:25

@Aminuts23

That’s really interesting. Can you tell me how your friendship with your ex works? I don’t have any exes as friends so I have nothing to compare with.

He and his ex wife mainly just talk about things children related and practical stuff like maintenance and expenses etc.

OP posts:
comfortandjoy · 18/05/2018 00:37

I think if they talk well of their exes that is a good thing. When I was first dating DP he spent Christmas at his Ex Gurlfriends as they were just friends at that point . When we go to visit London he will meet up with another ex, who has a husband and family , while I meet up with my friends. Better than someone who makes out their exes are ‘ crazy psychos’

RedWineAllMine · 18/05/2018 00:51

He sounds like a lovely guy to be honest. GREEN LIGHT! 🚦

northernlights0710 · 18/05/2018 01:36

Haven't read the full thread but I don't think this is a red flag at all.

I've remained friends with all but one of my exes. One of whom I'm in regular contact with as we work together. I wouldn't hesitate to confide in him or seek his advice. There is absolutely no interest in anything more from my point of view, nor, I should hope, his.

I agree with those saying the fact that he has a good relationship with his ex is a green light, not a red flag.

TuTru · 18/05/2018 01:58

Amber light imo xx

Original poster
Blendedfamilies · 18/05/2018 03:55

What is an amber light trutru?

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 18/05/2018 06:01

He sounds sane and well balanced. Lucky you!

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