Depressed Husband

[TeamanTheSnowman]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this site and this is my first post. Just wanted to get somethings off my chest as I don't know where else to turn.
Firstly my husband has suffered from varying degrees of depression over the years (we have been married for 14 and have a daughter) and I have always been able to put up with it. However in the last couple of weeks he has gone so strange. He has been staying with his mum for the last week as he "needs to sort his head out and figure out what he needs" something he has never done before.
When he's "normal" he's so sweet, funny and extremely affectionate and loving. But for the last month he has been so cold towards me. I can barely get him to speak to me but he seems fine with everyone else. He doesn't text me anymore and when he does it's so formal like he's talking to a casual acquaintance. The last time he hugged me it was so limp and half hearted and he couldn't get away quick enough. I've asked him time and time again what's wrong and he says nothing's wrong. He told me that it's him and not me but he has never been this bad before. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm in limbo. I just keep bursting into tears. I feel so alone. I just want my best friend back but I'm starting to wonder if he is every coming back which then leads to a whole new bunch of worries like what is going to happen to the house or am I going to have to try and get more hours at work to pay the bills. I'm so anxious all the time as well which is having a really bad effect on my health. I can't understand how the mind of a depressed person works so any advice would be appreciated.

Is he seeing a therapist.

No, he's on anti depressants, he assured me he was going to the doctor's last Friday but when I asked him if he went he said no as he wanted to see if a change of scenery made him feel better.

I see. Did it? Do you think the antidepressants work well for him?

Cherchez la femme.

No idea if the change of scenery has worked as he isn't talking to me. I don't know about the anti depressants, oddly enough he ran out of his prescription the other week and for a day he was actually nice to me again.

Maybe you should discuss this with a doctor, maybe it is the wrong kind of medication for him.

Sorry but I agree with look for the OW above -it’s the classic.

Hes seeing someone else. Sorry.

Well, maybe you are right. Guess I am a bit blind for that kind of things.

It's so hard when your partner has depression OP. My DH has suffered badly with it and I often find he is cold with me but fine with others, though it feels like they are reallt distant I think this is often because they don't put on the front with you that they do with others. I think it sounds like you need some support for you to figure out your own thoughts and feelings, do you have any close friends you can open up to or would you consider counselling for yourself? I find I really need to lean on others when DH is like this.
I don't know what is going on for him but he sounds very closed off emotionally. It might be too difficult for him to explain what is wrong and he may not have the words. Perhaps try explaining how much you want to be there for him and support him but that you really need him to access some professional help and give a deadline for this. It is so hard I really feel for you.

could have written this myself 2 years ago. was another woman. sorry x

Sorry but I agree. This all screams 'other woman' (OW)

Do you have any family or friends you could talk to?
You need some real life support around you if at all possible.

Then keep yourself busy.
Get practical.
Do you know how much he earns?
See if you can find paperwork if you don't control that side of things.
Wage slips
Account info
Savings info
Pension info
Cars into
House / mortgage info
Birth certificates
Passports
You will need your marriage certificate for a divorce

This is totally crap and I'm so sorry you are going through it.
But if I was you, I'd assume he's never coming back and make sure you get things in place so you can survive.

Have a chat with CAB and see what you would be entitled to.
Tax credits, housing benefits, etc....
They can help you.
If you know how much he earns then have a look at what you should get in child maintenance HERE

Look after yourself.
You will need your strength so keep hydrated and your sugar levels up.
for you.

I am really sorry you are going through this. I have to agree with others that there is probably another woman.

This is exactly how my ex partner acted towards me for months before I found evidence of his affair.

I have a dh with serious depression - he is on a very high dose of antidepressants. So I do understand it’s a very complex situation, however the staying with his mum for the first time and completely cutting you off emotionally rings alarm bells for me. That sounds like my first husband who did that before leaving me for someone else....!

Can you speak to his mum? Not to accuse him of anything but to say you’re worried about him and ask how he is around her. Might be quite revealing.

Plus... check that he is actually at his mums!

Hi, yes I know exactly how much he earns as I am in charge of all the money. I do all the banking and pay all the bills, TBH he wouldn't even know how to access the accounts.
Knowing my husband as I do I'm not really thinking other woman. I have snooped through his phone/tablet many times and I can't see anything untoward. We only have one car which he's left with me and he's definitely at his mum's as she lives about 2 minutes away from us. He has done this to me before, blanked me out, he's just never left before.

I could have written this post myself. I supported my children's dad for 2 years through his depression it was awful.
He also went to stay with family and flirted back and forth for 2 years claiming he was getting help and counselling. Turned out he had been having an affair for the whole 2 years and was stringing me along.
Those couple of years were hell and I can totally understand how you must be feeling.
Take care of yourself and try not to lose yourself worrying about him. Sometimes it's ok to put yourself first.

I was exactly like this, although I couldn't see it, towards my husband.

I got my mental health sorted out and am getting the best version of me back. I changed meds and dosage, had CBT and counselling and I look back now at a stranger. I know my DH thought the same sort of things about me/our future.
I never left home though.

I also have experience of the lying, deceit and denial side too. I would be prepared, even if the idea or opportunity seems ludicrous. Hopefully not, but look after yourself.

As a man who suffer from depression and has a loving partner and child. I know how hard it is from your point of view but your husband must be in a bad place to leave your family home and children.
Some times my child is the only things that gets me through my day .
So be patient with him try get him to open up either to you or somebody else .

Totally agree Alone.