Hello,
I know many of you are so wonderful with advice and are great at saying it as it is, that I think at the moment I need to hear something as I feel a complete failure in relationships thanks to something my dad said to me last night....
I am in my early forties and had long term relationships, perhaps around 3 or 4 in my life from the age of 23, (from 5 years up to 9 years) and this is the second time I have bought a house with someone and it hasnt worked out again this time around. I truly felt and hoped he was the one for me....He is older by around 5 years. I didnt really want to settle down until I was in my thirties if not late thirties as I was hugely into my career and wasnt too sure what I wanted which was obvious as I never married and never really thought about settling just living with people in their house or renting.
So in my late thirties I met someone who was lovely (or so I thought), we had a great time together and loved being around one another too. We shared a lot of fun, however we had a few issues with sex as in, it didnt flow and he was still quite damaged from his ex and felt insecure and wasnt able to relax in that area. So 8 months later we kind of resolved it but still felt a little bit on edge and not quite relaxed about it, but it was ok. It wasnt what I was use to but I loved him and wanted to try and make things work and get help to resolve this too. Which we did and it worked.
He was a good man at the start and he did in all fairness treat me well but...here is the but, when we starting living together a few years down the line and bought a house things started to cause me strain. When we got a puppy I realised I needed more help there and he was working 12 hour days and when he was home he was shattered and weekends too. I started to feel angry as at the same time I was running my business and everything we had was shared and equal together and I felt all I was doing was working, running the house, paying the bills and sorting out the puppy. However I felt and wished we hadn't bought as he mentioned if we didnt have the house we would never have survived. However I really wanted commitment and wanted to prove to myself and to him also that we were doing the right thing and it felt right we both wanted to buy and our houses sold very quickly too.
Arguments started to escalate and when we argued he scared me and he said I did him too. This isn't something I have ever encountered or had anyone say to me before.... and he said do your family know what you are like, have they seen this side of you, you need help! It was at this point, that my confidence was feeling completely shattered and I said enough, thats enough, we are done I am exhausted and you saying this to me about me needing help has crossed the line. He said well you do, you are emotionally out of control.
I hate to say I did feel it, as this is how he makes me feel and I was totally feeling vulnerable around him and instead of reacting I had to leave the room and get out of the house which I did apologise to him about and mentioned it was my reaction as in emotion to his comments which make me feel he is a bully towards me. To which this normally leaves me upset and crying. I never see him upset. What everyone has said about him is that he is always wanting to be right, he has no other opinions apart from what he feels is right at that time and he will not budge on that. People are saying he is very immature because he wont take ownership during arguments and he is always blaming and not taking responsibility which its only just dawned on me that is true. Other people are noticing his selfish side, whereas I am not seeing it until we have lived together. I am resenting what he is like now.
By the next day I am still raw and upset and can take me days to calm down and feel myself again.
It was the last straw and for me I was done. My emotions are gone around him now and have been in the last few months pushing him away and feeling somewhat disillusioned and now realising its these arguments which are making me feel numb and not attracted to him anymore. I am also feeling like he is ageing more and I have lost that spark with him as its like I have energy and he has none. I am just not happy and when I told him he said "boy do I know this" instead of asking what can we do about it if he did and we could have talked I would have been completely different I feel and like he wanted to understand and make things work. I realised I cant fix this or him for that matter...
I am the organiser between us both when we go out and I set up things to do which is fine and I love it , but lately I have been wanting to go out with my friends more as well as being around more happy people just not him, he is making me feel really low, insecure and somewhat isolated from life and people. I have now created a new life which has never happened before when we were together he loved when it was just me and him and nobody else, but for me it was too intense, too lonely and very isolating from life.. He says our relationship has run its course which I believe it has done now.
The problem I also have is that we were trying to have a child too and somewhere in my heart as much as he says he would like to have one with me, I am not feeling it would be right with him. I have two lovely puppies and both he has said I can keep as he is out 12 - 14 hour days at work and he doesnt have the time or the commitment to take them onboard even though he wanted a puppy not an older dog strangely.
He doesnt have any friends really apart from when he goes away golfing one week a year and he has pretty much fallen out with his mum and dad who are somewhat nasty and bullying so everyone ends up distancing themselves from them too. My parents have been wonderful towards him and just accept the way things are and never judge whereas his do and have ended up everyone falling out which has really caused a lot of issue between myself and him.
My parents are upset and disappointed and mum was saying he was never happy or positive enough and felt he was never around for me to think he is making me feel supported either. My dad then gives me the lecture, "another failed relationship and just as you commit that its boom its ended!" when are you going to change?
I was deeply offended and couldnt believe he said this, only for him to then say well he was really selfish, he buys things for himself, never cuts that grass (this annoys dad the most lol) But you wanted to buy a house with him. I said well we both did and it felt right too. So through all this its like I feel somewhat deflated and thinking was it all my fault it never worked out, because I was emotionally out of control in all our arguments, when really it was him who made me feel this vulnerable and very weak.
However, I am no longer weak, i use to be he can see this and I have agreed its now not working but I am indeed sad.
He is now putting all blame on me saying I am the mental one, who needs help when I am completely grounded, have a lovely family, friends and a job I love. He says we can never resolve anything and I use to be doted on him now I am too independent and not interested. He says he cant get another mortgage because of his age now, (thats not my fault) and everytime he buys a house with someone it collapses now I could say the same but I not thinking money, just thinking I want to be happy....I feel I have changed, I have gone from not wanting to commit to wanting to be with someone and its just not him, he is too out there for me with his work and selfish childish behaviour as my mum puts it, is no longer appealing for me and I have grown out of love for him. Yet its my fault.
Yes I have changed and do know what I want and realise that I want to be with someone grounded who doesnt shout or not get me and is a family man as well as has friends, family and just is nice, I don't ask for much, yet its my fault its failed.....
Sorry to rant, I am just trying to justify everything here and feel I am not getting anywhere within my thoughts even though I know its over and its the right thing now. We are not really talking in the house and it needs to be sold too, so this will be a challenge as we aren't too sure if we can sell just yet due to the competition out there, but I am determined to get this sorted. He is still very angry, throws in digs and then says I act like a bloke, bantering where its not attractive, really? so that makes him want to act like a critique in return to which he strangely does and likes to do....our sense of humour is not on par at all and I am feeling more and more distant but disappointed in myself to which he says he feels he has let my dad down. So as you can see he is pretty messed up with his words and is incredibly immature and childlike which I cant relate to anymore. ......
thank you....
sigh......xx