Thought I'd see what you lot thought of this before I just lock myself in the under stairs cupboard for the foreseeable until it's safe to come out. 
. I just feel like I'm going around in circles and getting quite tired.
Having a few marital issues that I'll try to keep brief. edit: it's fricking long! ha!
Together for 11 years, married for 3. 2 Young children.
When I look back, I don't think our relationship has always been the healthiest, it's just taken me far too long to realise it. I should say that I love my husband very much, but I now struggle to like who he is and can't seem to let go of things that have happened over the years.
I've always been a fairly laid back, happy go lucky person. Don't like confrontation, quite agreeable, like to be liked etc. Get along with everyone I meet and try not to bare grudges. Treat people as I would expect to be treated, a rule follower. Not a fan of drama, like the easy life. You get the idea.
DH and I got off to a great start but thinking back, I don't think it took long to take a down turn. We moved in together very quickly, after 4 months. I was just 20. Keen to settle down, I thought I had found "the one".
We argued quite a lot. He would run circles around me, back me into a corner and quite literally have me kneeling on the floor, head in my hands, wishing I had the guts to rip my hair out as a distraction from the sheer frustration I was feeling. Whilst he just stood and carried on shouting at me. Sounds awful really when I write it down.
He didn't like me going out particularly. As an example, got particularly agitated over the fact that I went to an Ann Summers party with the girls from work. Didn't like that I would be talking about Sex with others. Caused some awkwardness for a fair while after. Whilst I was initially open about that sort of thing, I started to withdraw a little. Our sex life started out great - my sex drive had always been pretty immense but fairly quickly it started to wain. I assumed it was stress from work (worked in a very competitive environment, one that I wasn't really cut out for at that point in my life, although I'd love to return to it now!). Was quite controlling with generally, every day things, such as using the hairdryer (turn it off between flicks of the brush if you ever!).
I don't really remember specifics from that early on, just that we argued a lot, my family commented on how controlling he was, I lost touch with most of my friends (mostly guys...struggle with girls, too much drama a lot of the time!).
He talked down to me a lot. Made me feel about an inch tall, I told him as much but somehow it was always my fault. Or he was "just trying to help". Told how I should do things etc. He was self employed as well as employed and worked constantly. Often until early hours of the morning, sometimes not coming to bed until 5am.
Anyway. 2 years into our relationship, I discovered that he had been talking with an old flame. Someone who he had always wanted to have a relationship with but never had the opportunity. He bought her into the house, introduced us, took her out for coffee etc. I just took it that they were friends. It never crossed my mind that it was anything more, until I discovered e-mails between them, her asking him when he was going to leave me so that they can be together etc. I don't really know why I was snooping, I guess I just felt that something was up. I had never done it before then. I confronted him. He didn't defend himself, just let me say my piece and then promised he would cut contact with her, which, from what I know, he did. He explained that it all got out of hand and as soon as the topic of leaving me came up, he got cold feet. He said that nothing had happened, only that he had "kissed her like you'd kiss your mum". Years later he admits kissing her properly but nothing else...I don't think I'll ever know fully, what went on.
I chose to believe him and move on, everyone makes mistakes. I didn't realise it (apparently) but supposedly our relationship was really bad at that point which is why he was looking for the "olive branch" Nothing more was said really. Obviously it caused some tension but in a relatively short period of time, things went back to normal. It took a little while, but I still trusted him.
I found out just a few months ago that the following year, 6 months before falling pregnant with our first, he was pursuing his Ex on Facebook. Nothing happened, she wasn't interested but he definitely was trying it on to see if she was interested. No mention of me when he told her what he had been up to the previous few years "a few failed relationships, settled on being a insertexcitingfemaleattentiongrabbingcareerhere" etc.
I confronted him, he tried to talk his way out of it saying that's not what it was, but as it was so blatant, settled on the "I thought our relationship was failing" excuse again. It was so long ago. I haven't given it much more thought.
Fast forward 18 months and we have a 6 month old and our relationship is as turbulent as ever. I was constantly belittled, told to "snap out of it" when I was crying whilst feeding the baby (breastfeeding sucked!). Told I was doing it wrong, that the health visitors were wrong and didn't know what they were doing, told how to arrange things on the draining board, etc etc. Basically, I just felt that I couldn't do a thing right and if we argued about it, he was "just trying to help". We were not working together at all and where I would be trying to teach the baby to self settle, he would rock to sleep. If I was upset and be cuddling the baby, he would take her away, saying she wasn't a comfort blanket.
One time, I remember falling out with him, the baby in the bouncer. I was on the floor by her, I can't remember why, DH looming over me, fists in my face having a go. It frightened me and I slapped him...twice. It was awful. I still feel ashamed of it now, especially in front of our LO. He didn't lay a hand on me however. There were a few other instances, not allowing me to leave the house after an argument, taking my car keys (so I walked instead), grabbing my wrists so hard it hurt etc) I've never been hit but he's definitely used his strength against me.
A little while later, I fell out with his mum (I reached out in desperation, she took great offence as I dared to suggest that her Son was in the wrong) he sided largely with them, the following two years were generally made to be hell. I was slagged off behind my back, turns out they had all sorts of issues with me, then again, they've never had a nice thing to say about any of the women that had previously been in the family so not sure why I thought it would be different for me!
We had a second child. We had spoken previously about having another, largely driven by me, I wanted a sibling for our first. He was quite against the idea but I really wanted another. The timing for conception was awful. Mid action DH asked out of the blue if I wanted another. My gut said absolutely not, my mouth said yeah. I knew I wasn't happy and wasn't sure about our relationship at that point but went ahead anyway. I don't know now, if he knew things weren't right and used the idea of a second child to "fix" things!? Especially as previous conversations suggested he didn't want another.
So now we have two, beautiful children. I feel I bonded better with my second. I genuinely believe the turbulence with DH and his family, contributed to my PND the first time around and meant I struggled to bond with my first. I really struggled. All I had ever wanted was a happy family and it was just so, so much harder than it should have been.
He's always been dreadful with money, I've largely been the breadwinner and financial supporter of the family. Yet he's always criticised me, called me a money grabber, said I'm awful with money (despite having a very seasonal business and still managing to keep enough money back to pay for my fair share of the bills throughout quieter months, whilst raising two children). I've always had minimal debt, no more than I could afford etc. He on the other hand, could never pay money in to our account on time, would borrow money from me then never return it (we're talking thousands) and be told I was a money grabber when I asked for it back. Worked every hour god sends yet couldn't even afford his share of the bills etc.
We bought a house before our second, I paid for most of it, he contributed only a couple of thousand, I put in about 15k. House is in my name, his credit score too shite to be allowed on the mortgage. (never his fault btw, CCJs etc by companies that wrongfully charged him 
) I've honestly never known anyone to have such "bad luck" with money.
We got married 3 years ago. I paid for most of it. He had practically nothing to do with it.
Sex was pretty much a no go, maybe a couple of times a month if he was lucky. I just didn't feel like it, why would I want to be close to someone that I often resented?
Last year (and I'm ashamed to say it), my head was turned. I started talking with a colleague of my Husbands. Started out just normal banter, nothing unusual for this guy, he's quite a cheeky guy anyway. I didn't think anything of it, but the messaging got more frequent, turned daily, turned inappropriate, he wanted to meet on several occasions to which I refused (I didn't want to be "that" person). We ended up at the same party together, both drunk, and kissed, husband downstairs. I was mortified. He wanted to meet the next day to talk, I refused but we carried on talking. It shouldn't have happened in the first place and I wasn't about to put myself in a vulnerable position, especially know how I felt towards him. I tried to stop it on several occasions, cutting contact but it would creep back in after a couple of weeks of silence. We were saying good morning to each other and saying goodnight before bed. It was like a flame was ignited. That sex drive that I thought was long gone, thanks to stress, age, kids, exhaustion, whatever, came back with a vengeance. It really caught me off guard as I thought that I was broken I guess. I always made excuses to myself, saying it wasn't my DH, I just didn't want sex in general. I had been to the GP etc asking if there was something wrong with me which obviously came to nothing. So you can imagine the confusion that came with feeling that way towards someone else. But not just a little bit, a whole heap of lust and desire haunted me for the few months that this went on for. Not once did I act on it but it sure has hell made me question things.
I told my DH what had happened, I did try to gloss over some of the details but it all eventually came out. I knew that our relationship was on tender hooks and thought the only way to resolve it is to come clean and talk things through (if he wanted to). He hit the roof, threatened the other guy, which is kind of understandable I guess, demanded I have nothing to do with him. We cut contact.
The last year has been so up and down. One minute I'm certain we're going to go the distance, the next I'm googling "how do you know you want to leave your husband". He's changed a lot. Accepted that his behaviour towards me over the years has been awful. Helps out a lot more, is more supportive, is trying to be better with money. Although when it all kicked off, he admitted he had built up over 30k in debt... unbeknown to me.
His attitude is so much better but I seem to be getting more distant. I feel smothered, he went from barely touching me and showing any affection, to staring at me constantly, telling me how beautiful I am etc which I just found uncomfortable. I don't want him near me in bed. Not really up for any affection of any kind. Daydream about life with someone else all the time and frequently think of the other guy.
He doesn't seem to understand my signals and if he's clear I'm uncomfortable, he still gets in nice and close. The more he does it, the more I want to push away. I don't say anything because I don't want to hurt him. When it's come up in the past, he's obviously annoyed that one of my issues with "us" was that he showed zero interest in me, and now he's showing it, I don't want it. I understand the frustration but I'm struggling to get through to him that it's not as simple....so much has gone on!
He has a huge problem with my emotional affair and it causes a lot of tension still. He often goes moody and quiet if something even remotely connected comes up, such as where this person goes for a drink, or works, or if friends mention him etc. If I go out for a drink, he worries that I'll bump into him. He wants to move away from our town all together. Which is ironic, as when I've said about moving away (not far, just the next town!) in the past, there was absolutely no chance. I've tried to be really understanding and supportive but the other day I snapped and told him to get over it. It just feels never ending.
I feel bad for still wondering about the longevity of our relationship given how much he's changed in the last year.
I just keep going back and reliving all of the bad stuff from before. I just can't seem to let it go?
I don't want things to come to an end, but is that because I love him, or because I'm worried about having a "failed marriage" and worried about how I will cope financially etc. Would I ever find someone who loves me as much? In my 30's with two kids. I don't want to grow old alone. But I want to be happy and at the moment, I think it's clear that I'm not.
DH said that when he thought he had lost me last year, he tried to kill himself, figured I would be better off without him. He even told me the steps he took.
That now really weighs on me, I worry what would happen if I did end it. I don't know if he would cope?
I'm so up and down. One minute I'm confident we'll be fine and look forward to a bright future. Then I'm worried he's going to screw up financially again, or revert back to his old ways, or just generally wonder if I'll ever get that want for affection back with him, that I was so desperate for before a year ago but now hate the thought of.
I always wanted marriage, a family, to grow old with someone. I had such a romantic idea of sitting in the sunshine with the grandchildren etc and I feel like it's all slipping away. Of if it's not, I need to put up and shut up in order to live that "fantasy".
Someone make my decisions for me please!!!! I can't think straight any more.