Are some people just not cut out for love/relationships?

[UkulelesAndFirepits]

I ask because I'm single. I've had relationships. I've been married. I have two children (and am on my second bout of single parenthood...).

I had a bit of a crappy upbringing that has left me with all manner of issues. And AS.

As a result of the messages I received growing up, and experiences that seemed to compound them (no doubt as a result of choices I made due to those messages), I don't see myself as 'loveable' and I don't experience myself as being loveable. I'm equally comfortable with this and utterly devastated by it.

I'm 43 and my marriage ended nearly 6 years ago. It wasn't a true relationship. He was a 'rescuer'. I was in a dire situation when we met and I needed rescuing. Once I no longer needed a White Knight, the relationship quickly descended into abuse because I wasn't performing 'woman' right (vulnerable, compliant, passive, demure, eager to please etc). We didn't have sex and he eventually met someone else.

Since we split, I've been largely single. I've had two short terms relationships in which, I've still regarded myself as 'single'. I'm completely monogamous from the first date but I knew they were time limited. They suited me and met my needs at the time - I suppose the Mr Right Now scenario. The men weren't devastated when they ended either. But each taught me a lot about myself.

Then... I met a man about a year ago and we became friends. We became very close friends and we both fell in love. It's the first time I've ever experienced that. For the first time ever, I felt/experienced what I've always imagined a relationship would be like. And, for the first time in my life, love and sex seemed to be aligned. But he also has autism and our traits clashed. His emotional self regulation was very poor and in the end we split up.

I feel like I've learnt something about myself in all of these relationships and I can tell that I'm a hugely different person to I was when my marriage ended.

I just think I'm in my 40s now. I've had one relationship where I truly loved and was/felt loved but it was, if I'm honest, utterly dysfunctional.

I rarely meet men I'm attracted to but, when I do, I go on to learn they're not single and I'm not interested in that. Men are rarely genuinely interested in me.

Some people find it so easy! My daughter's best friend's mum separated from her husband 4 years ago. She has been in another good, loving, strong relationship for 3 years. In the past 3 years, every one of my single female friends in their 40s and 50s have settled down. For the first time in my life, I feel emotionally and mentally ready for a relationship and yet I don't meet anyone who is 'viable'.

I just feel like I've missed the boat I suppose.

This could be me .
I have been having counciling for 2 years . Trying to unpick the messages I have told since childhood.

I don't think you've missed the boat to find love. You may have missed the boat to have children, but that's ok (I assume?) as you already have two.

My Grandma met the love of her life when she was 58 (after her first marriage failed).

I had a really dysfunctional upbringing, which definitely screwed me up relationship wise. It’s not always been my fault that a relationship is ended, but it’s not always been the guys fault either.

In my 40s now I am finding that any man my age who is single, there is usually a reason why! Then I end up turning that on myself a bit and thinking, yeah I’m single at this age too so that clearly says something negative about me! So I think I have told myself now that i’m not “meant” to be in a relationship.

I think I’ve got to the age now where I just can’t be assed to “work on myself” to be honest! If I was 25 then yes, but I definitely feel I missed the boat.

I’m sorry, I know that’s probably not at all helpful! I don’t know what the answer is.

I feel this way too. I think for some of us we need a bit of extra help to learn self worth, and to be happy with ourselves.

I am 36 and still wish to work on myself as I know that if I don't, I have a tendency to slip into depression and unhelpful behaviours all that make me feel bad about myself.

I found that once I was in a good place I was able to set out things on terms that made me feel comfortable, I have been honest with people about where I am at and I have indulged myself in healthy hobbies that make me feel good about myself and don't just involve going down the pub. I think this is the way forward, do things that make you happy.

Joboy I've also had counselling/therapy for my self image/self esteem and it hasn't helped. Largely because a lot of the things I was told about my self were true - my mum, especially, would highlight negative habits; characteristics; personality traits; physical aspects in me. She was right, I just don't think she was very kind in telling me. And rather than build up my self esteem, she criticised me because she was, ultimately, disgusted by, and ashamed of, my 'imperfections' and didn't believe I'd ever be loved because of them.

I've had similar criticisms/observations made when I've been in relationships, so it clearly isn't just her who sees them. Which makes me a bit sad, if I'm honest.

Mannix I don't want any more children, no. I want someone I can have fun with - someone I can sleep under the stars with and go on picnics with; someone with whom I can dance with abandon; someone who is passionate and will hold me in public because the mood takes them and who doesn't care who sees and who isn't embarrassed by me; someone who I can go camping and to festivals with. Someone who doesn't care that I skip and clap when I'm excited (can't help that one, I'm afraid).

I guess some people are not cut out for relationships for a variety of reasons. I’ve one friend I can think of who is always a disaster in relationships. She falls madly for men that treat her badly, it’s actually a requirement for her to fall for them. When she has dated a nice guy on occasion she treats him terribly (cheating etc) like he’s worthless as he doesn’t treat her like shit. Same pattern over and over so I’d say she’s not cut out for partnership.

In most cases though it’s about finding someone who isn’t bothered by your weaknesses. That is the secret to a successful relationship! We all have weaknesses I can assure you.

Just read your reply to Mannix and I think your problem might be believing all those Hollywood movies. What you describe is usually just honeymoon period stuff and relationships are not worse off for losing that level of intensity!

Storm Yes I think that's how I feel. With the exception of not being arsed to work on myself.

I know I'm an improved version of myself now and I quite enjoy 'self improvement' stuff - I like to try new things; challenge myself and push myself outside of the comfort zone.

chemicalworld That's the thing, I do do those things. I've taken up a few different hobbies since my marriage ended. Some of them fell by the wayside because they simply weren't for me or logistics got in the way. Some of them have stuck and evolved.

I know that I'm the happiest when I'm doing hobbies and trying new things.

If I'm honest, I feel that, on paper, I probably look like a reasonably good catch. So I think there is clearly something that happens between the pen portrait and reality that is unappealing and unattractive to men.

Hideandgo which bit is the honeymoon stuff?

I don't watch movies with that sort of thing in them, so it isn't that. But those are all things that I do. It's just that currently I do them on my own or with friends or my children.

What's the real stuff then? Watching BGT and arguing over whose turn it is to mow the lawn? Because I have no interest in either of those.

And you can still do all the things I want to do but still look after the house, batch cook and pay the bills.

Yes but it gets a bit tired when you’ve passionately held your partner in public spontaneously for the fifth time that week. And we do embarrass each other occasionally, it’s human. And when you’ve been together a whole you don’t ‘sleep under the stars’ you ‘sleep outside’😂. It’s ok for things to be normal rather than pumped up on romance all the time. A bit of romance here and there still hapens of course but the intensity and butterflies does tend to die down.

And stop trying to improve yourself and thinking there’s stuff to improve, I’m sure you’re great as you are.

Yes, be happy with yourself and I think that just keep doing what you do. That is all we can do xx

I've been single for nearly 11 years, since my mid 30s. I became a lot happier once I realised I prefer being single and that I don't want to be a long-term sexual relationship. I can't be bothered with sex. I also can't be bothered to deal with the kind of men I seem to have attracted in the past. I like as much free time to myself as possible. I have one child and when she grows up I'm pretty sure I will still feel the same way. Towards the end of my late 30s men still found me attractive and asked me out, now nobody ever does, but I prefer this.

I suppose it depends on what you really want. Are you willing to put up with all the compromises that a relationship brings? If you decide you really want another relationship again then throw yourself into finding one. I think you have to be very proactive in your 40s if you want a man.

It’s ok for things to be normal rather than pumped up on romance all the time.

Obviously! I mean, I don't do those things all the time - my bed is very comfy! It's more just the attitude and willingness I'm looking for. Someone who I can do things with even once or twice rather than someone who would not 'get' why i wanted to do it in the first place.

Well, strangely enough, I'm 43, single and on the autism spectrum as well. I could write my "romantic" history on one side of a piece of A5 paper. Never been married, in a long-term relationship or even really dated. I grew up in an emotionally distant family, where my three older brothers put me down every day, my mum retreated into alcohol most days, and my dad was neurotic and narcissistic.

I have felt fundamentally flawed and unloveable from as far back as memory goes. My problem is that adulthood life just keeps on confirming to me those feelings are true. I have recently lost a close male friend and never been so down or low as I am now. Occasionally I consider trying OLD, but I'm not ready after the losses I have endured in the past year. I never, ever feel ready for OLD though - I'm too inexperienced, too depressed, too anxious, etc.

I can't afford therapy and NHS therapy is rarer than unicorns.

Anyway, to answer your question, every day I feel like a person who is not cut out for love or relationships. And yet I crave a relationship - I'm so tired of being alone.

Please take a look at cheaper therapy options, there is stuff available on the cheap - just google it in your area and you should be able to find something that might fit into what you can afford.

I feel very similar to all of you. Chemicalworld in particular as I am also 36 and with some tendencies to depression/unhealthy behaviours!

I've just come out of a string of unhealthy relationships with men who were very bad for me and wondering how I ended up in this pattern and whether it's possible to change that now? I had some nice boyfriends in my 20s though none of them excited me very much. Then somehow from 29 on it's all gone downhill and each one seems to get worse and worse to be honest. I think each time that this one is different and then they turn out to be exactly the same! I have started to wonder if I am just not cut out for relationships as I just seem to be attracted to the wrong type of person and perhaps more importantly, am attracting them to me.

I am now focusing on trying to make myself happy without a man and build a life in which I can stay single and will be content. Then if someone comes along that actually adds to my life in a good way, great, but if not no worries. I have always thought i wanted kids which is an issue but having had that opportunity in my last relationship I have realised that it is not worth living in an unhappy relationship for, at least for me. Perhaps I will do that on my own at some point (I have even thought that might be better as I am worried that any relationship I am in will be somewhat dysfunctional and that my child would then learn the same).

One thing I have thought a lot about recently is trying to put out what I want to attract. Guys with controlling or emotionally abusive tendencies tend to zoom in on women they can sense are vulnerable, and that clearly is happening with me! So for now I'm working on finding peace and strength within myself. OP I don't think you've missed the boat, plenty of people find the happiest relationships of their lives later on these days, I am trying to see it as a personal journey in which when I am in the position for a healthy relationship, I will have one. Even if when I'm 65! :)

Also could have written much of this about myself.. single 7 years.. only attracted to the ones that don't want me.. not sure how much of it is down to my parents marriage (dad now deceased, but their 25 year marriage was far from happy) or how much is down to life events.. poorly child needing 24 care, since passed away. Very traumatic & emotionally draining experience.. I find it very hard to show love & emotion except to my youngest child. I want to be in a relationship again & eventually a family unit, I can find men who find me attractive for a time but not to feel anything deeper for me..

Not all love is romantic love, in fact very little of it I would say.

Not everyone is meant to be married with 2.4 children. Though I'm sure this has its pleasures, gifts and compensations there are alternatives! I am sure Joan of Arc wasn't worried too much as to whether she was "in a relationship"...

Lots of people in "relationships" are very dysfunctional, and so are their relationships.

As a couple of posters have said, we are who we are and shouldn't try and force ourselves to be otherwise.

I don't think I'm cut out for relationships. Although I've been married before I've never been in romantic love and I don't think I'm capable of it. I am sexually attracted to men but only ones that I know are no good for me and then I end up getting bored with them after a few months so I've chosen to stay single.

I'm sure a psychologist would say it's because I didn't have a father figure blah blah but I'm not interested in seeing anyone about my issues. I'm happiest being single to be honest.

Lots to relate with here. I have aspergers and have had a handful of short term relationships and two long - one 9yrs incl marriage and kids. Now i've met a fellow autistic. On the one hand we do 'get' each other well, but i have a feeling of doom as to whether we can really ride out the turbulence! If this one fails i do feel like giving up as 'not cut out for relationships'.

Interesting topic!

My DP is textbook asperger`s. So are his parents. I'm not.

Let me tell you from my side: Their idea of love and relationship are very far from mine. I dearly love him, but it's a constant struggle. While I'm very physically and emotionally full on, he's very reserved and an outsider might not see how he loves me back. He couldn't care less about Sex or kissing or saying romantic things. Would never remember to kiss me goodbye or say good night. Our deal is that I tell him when I need anything or he's not picking up on hidden messages. It's a very honest relationship.

In my eyes that doesn't make him incapable of loving someone. I do see how someone less understanding would struggle a lot more with this relationship though!

It all depends on finding someone who's willing to accept you for how you express your own love. In his case: Compromising on his extreme obsessive hobbies, hugging me when I ask him to (he's not a hugger) , maybe even accept that I forgot his favourite mug when going on a camping trip.

It's tough being with an ASD partner, not everyone can do it. Some will appreciate it! I certainly wouldn't want to change anything. But yes it's not a Hollywood romance, there are many tears, but also a lot more love than many "normal" couples.

If it helps, he always said if it wasn't for you I'd be happy with my own company. Some are happier without the comprise involved in having a DP :)

I think finding therapy that works for this can be even harder for autistic people than it is for allistic ones. Because our "normal" is often quite different to allistic normal.

If we're in a good place psychologically, that often looks quite different to the therapist than it would in someone of a different neurotype, and the same if we're in a bad place. There isn't much advice out there that takes that into account.

I think it's because of my ASD that I rarely feel any kind of "click" with anyone - including platonically - and there being, therefore, very few people I'm interested in, makes dating a lot more difficult just because of the numbers involved.

I've also struggled because I tend to prefer autistic men, but some autistic traits are even less compatible with me than their absence would be.

For example, I'm touch-seeking, which means I'm even more cuddly than most allistic people, and I find the presence of less touchy-feely people very draining. But of course many autistic people are the opposite. Me and someone touch-averse would be a terrible match!

I'm also an emotions nerd - that nerdiness being part of my autism - and couldn't bear a relationship with someone who's uncomfortable with discussing and analysing emotions, generally, but more importantly their own.

Not just because I think that is almost essential to a healthy relationship, but because my fascination with it is a big part of who I am, so it would mean they weren't appreciating or really wanting me. And discomfort with emotions is common in autistic people.

That's the problem with having a neurotype that's about the extreme ends of the scale of any one way of being; you're as likely to meet someone of your neurotype who has the opposite extreme, as you are to meet someone who has the same one. That makes me a bit sad, really.

So for me, at least, I think it's about my brain being the way it is meaning everything's amplified, and therefore can't be compromised on in the same way. And there's no point treating that as an emotional issue and making it about me being self-centred or too hard on people or whatever. Because I'm genuinely experiencing things differently and have different needs from any relationship.

If you're someone for whom that's the case, it's better to know it, and have trouble finding anything at all, than be in denial about it and run yourself into the ground trying to make what you can find "fit" for you when it can't.

@expatkathleen - you sound like you are doing great - I would recommend counselling to try and break the cycles, to recognise what it is you are attracted to and why. If you can unpick that it will help you.

I found I used to sleep with men quite quickly, and for some reason that didn't work for me. I enjoyed it at the time but would feel weird after. When I learnt about my self worth, and what I wanted from a loving relationship - it is a friend first and then a lover. I was very clear last time I used apps about this - and I had two men, not quite my type but decent people falling over themselves to be with me. Be clear about who you are and what you want, for all too long I hid the real me and now there is no point.

I gave those men the heave ho for another chance with my ex which has now gone to pot but I am feeling strong. I know I am ok, and I cannot recommend counselling enough to help people.

Thanks @chemicalworld, that's all very good advice. I am looking for a counsellor at the moment, definitely time as can't keep going round in the same circles! Being clear about what you want on apps etc is also a very good idea. It sounds like you are doing well too, keep strong! x