Fed up of hearing about DH work colleagues

[Oldandfedup]

I should start by saying, that I know that this is my issue, and that DH hasn't done anything wrong. But still, I feel upset.

Long story short, he works with a very beautiful woman. She's 26. He's 44. They work together all day long, she is his Partner. She's tall, slim, maybe a size 8-10, and very, very pretty.

I'm just feeling so inadequate right now. I'm 48 years old, 2 stone overweight, my skin has started to go crepey....I used to be pretty myself, but I'm just feeling utterly shit right now, and him working with such an attractive woman isn't helping. Our sex life is a bit crap too (once a month), so that doesn't exactly make me feel desirable.

Yesterday, they had a big work thing on, and he had to work late afterwards. He came home and showed me all the photo's they'd taken and he was really chipper about it. As we were talking, she texted him, to thank him for his input, finished off with some kisses.

I categorically know there's nothing going on, as (having been cheated on my my first H), I have checked his phone....absolutely nothing untoward has ever been on there. Also, she has a BF who she adores.

And yet....I just wish he was partnered up with someone else :-(

I work from home (self employed), which probably isn't helping. So, I'm quite lonely, and have too much time to think about all of this. I'd like a job outside the home, however, I could never earn the same as I do working for myself, so it's not really an option.

Oh, and she actually has a "porn star" name. Every time I hear it, I want to grit my bloody teeth.

Don't know what I'm asking really. I need a serious kick up the bum, don't I?

You need to work on yourself. Your low self esteem is at the root of this.

I can imagine you wouldnt be happy if picked up on the fact that you dont like it and stopped mentioning her altogether.

Well I'm sure lots of people will be on to tell you that you need to sort out your self esteem and so on, but I can completely identify and sympathise.

It won't matter how much you rationalise that he loves you, that he's chosen to be with you, that she's in a relationship - it would still knock my confidence to know that dp was working with such a desirable woman.

Unfortunately, as we get older, the number of 'women more attractive than me' that our partners encounter will increase exponentially.

I think all you can do is realise that a lifelong relationship is about a lot more than beauty, and work together to make the marriage strong. Monthly sex suggests some disconnect, unless you're both happy with that, and it might be worth working on it.

The fact that he talks about her openly, shows you photos, is a great sign that he only thinks of her as a work colleague. You've had experience of infidelity so you already know that the time to worry is when they stop talking about them.

Don't change your job, most people would kill for a well paid job that allows them to work from home, but maybe you need to broaden your net socially if you're lonely or want to have interesting things to talk about.

Thanks Rainy

The sex once a month thing....I am NOT happy with that at all. But DH sex drive is very low.

I know I'm really lucky to be working from home. But of course, this means I live in jeans and never feel glamorous. Gaaah.

Olicity Yes, it's defo a self esteem thing.

notanurse can't say her name here, but think along the lines of Candy/Honey, that type of thing.

What prevents you for being glamorous once in a while?

Set a date for dinner, theatre etc...?

Who puts kisses on a message to a work colleague? Smiley faces, thumbs ups, stars, in an informal office people might do that. But kisses? Really?

Some boundaries are being crossed here. I would just think she's an unprofessional young fool (with a silly name to match) but the concern is that it doesn't seem to bother your DH who should know better and should be telling her to dial it down.

Yes, your self esteem may have taken a bashing recently but this is some new version of "nothing untoward". If your self esteem was at its normal level you'd be having words.

bunch I do dress up if we go out, but due to my work, that's not very often. However, we do have some lovely holidays booked!

little Yes, she's very young. His responses do not have kisses. I did say something last night (after wine, so that's not great), but of course his response is that he can't change who he works with, so I just need to stop being silly. And tbh, there is nothing going on, I think I'm just feeling old unattractive, and yes, that is my issue. Uuuugh.

I might have a nice bath this afternoon and do my hair. Might paint my nails, but my hands look 85.

he can't change who he works with, so I just need to stop being silly

You are not the one who is being silly. She is being inappropriate and he is not dealing with it. Anyone can say "we don't put kisses on work messages, of course it's not a problem, i know you didn't mean anything by it". Well, anyone who wants to, that is.

If the message was to his facebook or similar then kisses can be the norm these days without meaning anything. On a work email then it just looks very odd but on a personal device to a personal contact - perhaps she does that to everyone.

As for the silly name - have you seen what passes for good names in the various naming threads on this site? Cant blame a person for the name that they are given.

he can't change who he works with, so I just need to stop being silly

About the name - certainly.

The kisses are inappropriate.

What makes you so sure there’s nothing going on?

You are way over thinking this. If something was going to happen it would have.

Maybe try working on your self esteem & doing exercise classes to help you feel better about yourself

I have to say that a lot of the younger female staff at my workplace put kisses on texts to work colleagues, male and female.

I mentioned it to one of them once and she looked at me like I was mad, said something like 'everyone puts a kiss at the end of a text, it's like a full stop, unless you absolutely hate them'.

I guess she might indeed do it to everyone op, and your dh might not want to be the bore who is the only one ticking her off for it.

I got an email from a law firm partner once (we were the client) signed of with xxx. FFs!!!
Then an HR person from the next job was texting me with smileys during the recruitment process.
Apparently it is the way things are done now but it makes me cringe and I am ten years your junior, OP. Kisses mean nothing.

I think the kisses thing to end a text seems ubiquitous these days, but I too find it a bit inappropriate.
As for your husband's young colleague, I too sympathise with your feelings. You're no doubt correct that there are no reasons to suspect anything untoward but I can totally understand how it could make anyone feel insecure. I wonder whether part of you also feels your DH might get some sense of enjoyment working with her even if everything is above board. I can also see how your working alone makes you prone to a form of insecurity and slight jealousy around this. Do you feel you could be honest with your DH and highlight how YOU need attention, not to be told about this younger colleague?

You could be insecure. You sound like me a few months ago. I got a new job and kept the focus on myself. I'm not too bothered now when my wife talks about her friends all the time. People change and either roll with it or roll on. Working from home is definatly not going to help!! Goodluck

You could change your name to a porn star name: apparently using the name of your pets is the done thing.

HTH -

Pepper Softie

I know that this is my issue

Well, if you're in a marriage with someone, I don't think this exists. You're not feeling low about yourself in a vacuum. I'm not saying it's your DH's fault either, just that this is potentially something to think about between you. If my partner was feeling like you are, I like to think I'd consider it to be both our problem.

So... yes, I guess this is part of being older. There's the dressing up thing, which is fine. But also the option to do all we can to just move beyond a focus on looks. Which is bloody hard in the world we live in (arguably especially if you've been attractive in your youth and learned to rely on it for self worth. I suspect lots of us have been there...). But there is so much else in life which is unrelated to what we look like - as I'm sure you're well aware of. All we can do is focus on this as we get older, and accept with magnanimity that young, pretty women (who will be old too one day) will always get passing admiration.

I have enormous sympathy. It's really hard. You're not alone.

Also, I and some colleagues (male and female) sometimes sign off texts with a kiss. Nothing remotely sexual - don't fancy any of them, and no reason to think they fancy me either. Hadn't occurred to me that it's unprofessional, really. If he's not sending kisses back, sounds like he's impervious anyway

Just on the kisses at the end of texts thing, it could just be that she was texting and just wasn't thinking, especially if the text came out of hours so to speak. There have been a number of times over the years where I've accidentally signed off a text to a boss or colleague with kisses because I'm thinking of something else or have just been texting my DP. I've always inwardly cringed at those moments but outwardly have just hoped the recipient has known me well enough to know they were accidental.

I really sympathise OP - but whatever is going on for you and your relationship, it sounds to me it really has nothing to do with his work colleague. I think you feel isolated, undesired and not cherished by your DP. And you are looking to find reasons - but your I securites (which we can all experience) are skewing your focus onto other people in your lives.
I think you need to sit down and explain how you are feeling to your DH. He wouldn’t be openly sharing his work event photos if he had things to hide. But he’s not noticing you. You perhaps just need to try and reconnect that makes you feel good about yourself and each other.