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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Needy man turn off

29 replies

Choclover27 · 14/05/2018 21:07

I just can’t stand his neediness. His constant seeking my approval, the gifts, the incessant texts about nothing, telling me he would always rather be with me than anyone else.
So how do I very nicely finish with my very nice ( but suffocatingly insecure and needy) boyfriend without him crying and feeling his world has ended.
We have only been together six months but knew each other before and he has been ‘after’ me for three years ( warning sign there ). I was fairly ill the whole six months culminating in a spinal op and he was there for me for physical support, at his request not mine
Now I find I’m back to my old self. And I don’t need him like he needs me. I’m 50 for goodness sake, three children, a dog, a business. He’s 50 with a grown up daughter and lives alone. Too much time on his hands. I tried to broach the subject today at lunchtime and he said he couldn’t talk about it incase he cries. OMG

OP posts:
SnowGoArea · 14/05/2018 21:13

He feels how he feels, he can't change that and more than you can change him.

If you're waiting for a way to break up with him that doesn't involve him crying then you may be in for a long wait!

I would just go for it. Explain that the chemistry is wrong and that although you like him, you don't feel the level of infatuation that he clearly does towards you. That makes it imbalanced, which isn't fair on either of you and will lead to resentment down the road.

Don't drag it out. The quicker you get it over with, the quicker you can both move on.

SnowGoArea · 14/05/2018 21:15

Sorry, should read any more than you can change him, not and.

seventh · 14/05/2018 21:21

Yep. Tell him what's what and get out ASAP!

userxx · 14/05/2018 21:23

Oh god I'm dying inside.

Original poster
Choclover27 · 14/05/2018 21:43

I’m going to list the gifts as much for myself
Mug
Three necklaces
Two pairs earrings
I silver bangle
A ring
Easter egg
Easter eggs for the kids
Presents for kids at Xmas
Smash presents for me that I can’t even remember
I Sonos sound system
Three succulent plants in glass jars ( homemade)
As above for daughter
Windscreen wash
Paint
Brushes
Trays
Tool bag
Champagne
Chocolates
Prosecco
Flowers x 100
All expenses paid trip to Italy
The shard plus Marco Pierre white dinner
Two night break to Rye
Two sets underwear
Sex toys ( fair enough)
Car phone charger
Hand warmers
Kitchen knife sharpener
Bread knife

And probably even more. Is that over the top or what ?? I told him to stop. He ignored me.

OP posts:
starskey80 · 14/05/2018 21:59

That is an awful lot in six months.

I'm single so slightly envious and wondering if it would bother me... I'm not sure if the gifts alone would, who doesn't like lots of pressies :)

But if he is generally needy and suffocating then I agree you should split.

I guess the only way to do it nicely is sitting him down and explaining he's lovely but just not a right fit for you.

Good luck op

SnowGoArea · 14/05/2018 23:40

Yikes, the gifts are too much for such a short space of time - comes across as insecure and trying to buy/impress you with 'stuff', perhaps because he doesn't think he on his own is enough.

Sad, if that's the case, but a healthy relationship it does not make.

I'd cite the suffocating gift giving and the not listening to you asking him to stop as part of the reason for breaking up I think. He might think he's doing well getting you all those presents!

ILoveMyDressingGown · 15/05/2018 00:12

I'd go about ending it in as quickly as possible. Like ripping off a plaster: painful at first but not for as long as when you take it off slowly and carefully.
That gift list is ridiculous - as though he's trying to buy your affections or make you feel indebted to him in some way.

BubblingUp · 15/05/2018 02:22

Oh dear. That 6 month gift list is so not normal. He isn't going to take your news very well. Cut fast and run like hell.

Fucketynamechanged · 15/05/2018 02:55

You most certainly can't do it without him crying

Tbh I wouldn't even tell him his faults when he asks to discuss why- it will make him think he can change to prove to you you should stay

I would just concentrate on what you want eg "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" "I don't feel the same so I've decided it's over" "you can find someone else now"

userxx · 15/05/2018 07:47

Omg that list! I think I got less in my ten year relationship! It's way too much.

SeaCabbage · 15/05/2018 07:57

In answer to your question, you can't. It appears that this man will indeed cry and feel like his world has ended. But hopefully he will get over it and find someone else more suitable Smile.

"Broaching the subject" is cruel. Just tell him - rip the plaster off. Don't torture him with doubt. Tell him you don't feel the same way any more and don't want to see him again. Give him no hope. Let him go.

ReanimatedMuse · 15/05/2018 08:35

You need to just tell him it's not working.

Re the gifts I don't think it's a crazy amount, since a lot of it seems to be random items he's noticed you need: paint, tray, brushes, windscreen spray, phone charger.

The type of low cost items you could pick up without a second thought.

Champagne, sex toys, lingerie and trips away are all mutual presents so again doesn't ring alarm bells.

Has it been your birthday/Christmas in the time you've been together? He's certainly been generous but not bizarrely so. But none of that matters if you're not into him do just get it over and move on Smile

JustSeeingHowManyCharactersWeC · 15/05/2018 08:41

I dated one similar, like you he chased me for ages beforehand and eventually I just gave up saying no, I found him overbearing sexually (he freaked me out once as he got angry that I wanted to go to the stables to look after my horse straight after work, rather than immediately have sex with him) and the constant need for approval and soppy puppy shit was sickening.

Eventually I snapped, phoned him, told him it was over and there was never any chance of us getting back together and never spoke to him again. Bit awkward as we worked together 😳

Singlenotsingle · 15/05/2018 08:41

He's obsessive. I hope he's not going to get stalkerish.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2018 10:00

You are not responsible for whatever his reaction will be. Just end it NOW and when you do, cease all contact. Do not reply to any calls, texts, emails, letters, etc. He will be like a strat cat you can't be rid of if you continue to engage. Over means over.

FizzyGreenWater · 15/05/2018 10:02

Re. the gifts, this is the important bit:

I told him to stop. He ignored me.

He's needy all right, but he's also taking what he wants from this at your expense. To have someone to obsess over, to have his 'thing'. Even if the person at the other end is clearly asking for something different, trying to reach out and negotiate something that is mutually workable.

No no no. Sulk me sulk! I wanna do it THIS WAY! GIFTGIFTGIFT.

Definitely get rid, and be kind, but don't feel like a bitch - his tears are as manipulative as everything else.

redexpat · 15/05/2018 14:57

He's not really interested in your wants or needs is he. You told him to stop and he ignored you. Everything you need to know about how this relationship is going to go is right there in that sentence.

Original poster
Choclover27 · 15/05/2018 18:10

Brilliant everyone. I thought I was being a bitch because I found it rather controlling. But wrapped up in pretty paper to hide his true intentions.

I forgot to add in the present of a huge vase ( for the huge flowers ) and the dog blanket !!

I realise now that all these ‘gifts’ were about what he saw I ‘needed ‘ even tho I hadn’t needed them before. Basically coming to my rescue when I wasn’t even in trouble.
And ..... if I wasn’t wearing his jewellery when I saw him, he would comment. He bought me evening earrings and day earrings so I was never without ! And the sonos sound system is linked to his at home. And he can check when I use it ! Add in, that prior to going to Italy a week ago for a few days, he sent me a photo of all the mini toiletries he had bought ( hand luggage only ) for us to share so I didn’t have to think about it.

STALKER alert.
Time to deal.... face to face or is texting out of the question? Opinions pls 😜

OP posts:
SnowGoArea · 15/05/2018 18:30

Face to face is hard. You owe someone face to face if it's been a long and mostly decent relationship I think.

Do you think he was being controlling with the gifts? It definitely stinks of controlling behaviour, but there are also some men who really do think women want to be showered with gifts and looked after (and I suppose there are some women that do look for that in a man Envy). If he's the latter then go for a phone call maybe? If the former, then a text or email because you can't get drawn into conversation that way.

Boils down to whether you think he's a good guy (but not your cup of tea), or just one giant red flag!

Whatever you choose - get it done woman!

Gemini69 · 15/05/2018 18:40

the sonos sound system is linked to his at home. And he can check when I use it

this would send me over the 'polite' edge of reason... get rid of that sonos and HIm Flowers

ByeMF · 15/05/2018 18:41

Has to be face to face. But somewhere you can leave quickly. Not his or yours. If he cries it's a shame, but a him problem not a you problem. It's just manipulative for him to refuse to talk about it because he might cry. So say goodbye, it's not working, block his number and change your locks!

Namechangedname · 15/05/2018 18:43

He's trying to buy you.

BonsaiBear · 15/05/2018 22:24

You have it right. This man is not needy he is controlling and dressing it up in gifts and emotional blackmail.

Wanting you to wear earrings he got for you day and night is to me like wanting you to have his mark on you 24/7. It's creepy.

This sort of behaviour is love bombing and trying to overwhelm your boundaries - but done in a highly manipulative way because it's under the guise of 'being mad about you or 'wanting to help.'

I had someone who did this to me and they turned abusive then stalked me. Get rid asap.

PsychedelicSheep · 15/05/2018 22:49

God yeah get rid of the sonos that’s creepy as fuck Shock

Whether he’s a potential abuser or not it sounds fucking annoying and tedious.

I think a conversation would be best but don’t feel you have to meet face to face if you don’t feel comfortable to.