I’m sorry to take up any space...but I can’t understand myself and I hate the way I’m behaving.

[Wadingthroughshit]

Hi, sorry everyone to take up another thread. I will keep it very short.

I cannot seem to maintain NC with my extremely controlling ex, I can for small periods, then it starts again. He still assumes control over any men that may message from my past,or men that have my number simply because of his fantasy which involved me being with other men. The infuriating part is, I still allow him that control and do not feel I can stop, I feel I have to tell him things. If I have nothing to tell, I feel as if I’ve failed in a sense. I even STUPIDLY told him about sleeping with a guy, who he then contacted and made it seem he had arranged.

I do not seem to be able to recognise my own voice. I have lost all boundaries and sense of identity. I am at times infuriated by him when he tells me all these nice things he’s doing, and then I feel utter despair. I am broken by him.

So my question in this very vague post is, how can I remember my voice, and reinstate boundaries? Has anyone else felt similarly leaving a controlling relationship? I also stick up for him, and blame myself and my failings a lot and excuse his behaviour. I had a breakdown around Christmas which I am still recovering from.
I’m sorry this is vague, I just don’t want to take up too much space.

first of all, you take up as much space as you need to. You are allowed to! if you want to pour out your heart then please do and make no apologies for it.

You sound obsessed wiith this man, you are giving him the power, the question you need to answer is why?

Hi @chemicalworld thank you for your reply.
I would t say I’m obsessed, I certainly wouldn’t want to think that anyway! I don’t feel as though I’m in love with him anymore, and I also don’t want a relationship with him, well the one he promised would have been lovely, not the one I ended up with !
It’s almost as though I can’t shake the control, the roots of sexual control feels almost insidious. But contradicting that, I do still care about what he thinks, I still in a sense want his approval?
It’s ridiculous, I’m 30 and acting like a teenager. I have had long term relationships in the past I have never felt this way, I have been able to just walk away. I just need a good shake.
I get such bad anxiety that I depersonalise, and I could just remove at least part of it, but I can’t find the resilience.

I hear you. Obsessed might have been the wrong word but for some reason you are giving him this power whch is ultimately making you feel bad

I am 36 and still feel like a kid sometimes...

You have the power to change your own life and to stop giving him this.

Anxiety is awful, I really understand. It only gets worse when you feel helpless though and you are not.

This may be a silly question, but have you not blocked him? Removed any way of him contacting you etc? You need to put things in place when you are feeling strong which will help you stay safe when you are not.

I don’t understand why I still give him control or why we are still in contact. I suppose these things just take time? I am incredibly sad at losing what we had, he made all these promises and repeatedly asked me to marry him on one hand, but on the other constantly discussed me sleeping with other men, and his need for pleasure and probably escapism took over.
I left him about 7 times. I feel damaged.

Have you sought support from somewhere like women's aid? They may be able to help you unpack what's going on.

Block his number on your phone.
Send his emails straight into spam.
Change your routines so he doesn't know where he can bump into you.
Rope a friend in to keep you company and help fend him off.

He does not have your best interests at heart. He is using you as a prop in his fetish.

Why are you worried about taking up space? Are you not important enough to get advice from people?

I'm off to sleep Wading, but agree with Terf. You have as much time and space here as you need. (But won't hear from me again until I wake up!)

You really have to block on everything and don’t unblock! I’ve managed ten days no contact with a very controlling and manipulative man - and I work with him! I am determined that he has hurt me for the last time ever and even tho I miss texting him, he was so toxic for me. I too had a breakdown because of him and I know there’s a long road ahead. But, I’m not longer in his web and I don’t spend my days feeling anxious and upset about what he may be up to. I’m focusing on me and having some peace in my life. I’ve relapsed so many times but I’m determined not to this time. I’m sick of the games and am removing myself from it all. I hope you can let go as you really need to. You may be broken but you can pick those pieces up and mend xxx

How are you today Wading?

As others said, no reason to apologise about being here.

I think, and I might be wrong, that he has worn you down and remoulded the way you think. Now it is time to shake free of that influence.

Block him as suggested, spend time with friends and practice not thinking about what he would think if you did XYorX.

You have absolutely no reason to apologise.

Block him, delete him, from everywhere you can manage. Change your locks if that's necessary.

You don't need him, he needs you, remember that. He needs to control you to feel good, and you don't have to let him have it. It's you who has the real power.