argggggghhhhhhhh friendships going haywire feel sick

[ginleah]

changed my name again for this , as Ive already posted under another suedonim for other friendship threads.So I thought Id better change again otherwsie youd all think Im nuts.

Ive spent half the nght awake cos Im feeling sick and nervous. I dont know were to begin and it worries me that as Im having problems with several different groups; Im wondering is it me ?? Is it them? My bad choices of friends?? Am I doing something to shut people away?? am I doing something to turn people off?? Im getting really fed up with it all and just wanna enjoy my life and not have everything with friedns so complicated.

you poor thing. What is it in particular that is getting you down?

I think Ive made friends with some right dingbats really , a bad error in judgment on my part. I had really bad PND after dd was born in September and went thorughsome really difficult times. One of the girls tunred round to me yestrday and said that becasue I looked good(I made the effort to make me feel better) she said how bad could it have been. Will I think being sent to physche unit and monitored by CPN at the time was bad enouff. Would she had rather seen me in my pjs hair bedraggled and greasy and face like thunder huh !!!!!!!! She said that they all found it really hard to dela with me at the time. BUt didnt ask them to deal with me, just some sypmtahy and friendship.

gin,

I don't mean this to sound horrible (hold hands over head for cover)

Are you the sort of person that talks about your probelms alot. I have a couple of friends that are always saying how hard thier lives are, how terrible they feel etc etc etc

And whilst I'm sympathetic to a certain point - it gets very difficult to be friends with them when this is ALL they talk about - it's a bit of a one sided friendship. Sometimes it would be nice if they asked how I was doing for a change.

I'm not saying this is the case with you - don't know the full situation. But do you think this is something you might possible be guilty of.

If not - I'm terribly sorry - just offering an opinion!!!

ginleah - were these antenatal/toddler group friends rather than pre-baby close friends that did this? I find that these friendships tend to be quite fraught and artificial, where the main thing in common is the kids. Much sympathy over the PND issue. A lot of people just don't have a clue about MH issues. It's really difficult adjusting your friendships after kids - you have a different lifestyle from your babyless friends, but you don't just magically emerge with a group of nice mummy friends, its more like trial and error. I don't think that you are doing anything wrong - just that you are meeting the wrong people at the wrong time, and that some of these friendships where the main thing you have in common is the kids will inevitably fall by the wayside. the good thing is that you have several diferent groups of friends, so cutting insensitive people out shouldn't have a disastrous effect. keep posting on here, and on chat and other threads, as it really does help your self-confidence chatting to people on here without the distractions of kids/money/appearance etc.

Good advice MTS.

I do understand what you say angleppoppet.You dint need to duck and hide. I can see were that may be the case with one or two of them who i met after baby was born. May be i became like that with them becasue they didnt give me anything back at the time. Or I was confused by them blowing hot and cold with me. You know how you get compulsions to carry on and on with some people!!!!!!With the others I met them whilst preganant & it has been very different. I always make sure I ask about there lives and there babys. May be then I didnt becasue I was so shocked by what was happening to me. I probably needed mummies from a special PND group really , as they would have so understood. I realise now I have come through it all and unfortunately Im seeing the fall out so to speak.Im able to give so much more and be so much more selfless now , but may the damage was already done and its difficult to undoe it with some people. I dunno!!!

Just to fill you in on the current dilema, one of them in particualr is quite a worrysome character in herself. I went round there one day with the babys and she freaked out on me as my dd was upsetting her ds in his playpen , repeatdely she askd me to remove dd and go to the other room, so ds didnt get upset. She then on the 3rd occasion had melt down and shouted that she couldnt tkae anymore of this and stormed of with her ds into the lounge. Later on when feeding her ds she got agitated cos I was standing with my dd next t her and her ds and "it was upsettting" her ds , so I was aksed to go in to the lounge whilst he was eating. So all in all not a great day with her. I wnet home and cried as it was soo tense and fraight it upset me& freakmed me out as I was just starting to come away from those feelings from the PND. Any way there are 2 other girls in the grp and they feel like they are in between all this as Im not talking to worrysome friend as it soo upset me that day. Unfortuantely now one of the others told me yesterday that worrysome friend is also upset with me as I didnt support her that day. she also thinks that she has PND but is in denial and is angry with her for not helping hersefl and wallowing in it. Now Im feeling like the ogre, but feel hurt as none of them were really there for me when I was in bad way and at the time of the lounge incident it was too much to take on someone esle in the throws of it. But now Im the one who has to make the peace with it all as theres a party for one of the babs on Sat , but worrysome friend doesnt wnat to be ther because Im there !!! I have tried to phone her this morning BTW , as Im trying to rise above my hurt and be the adult one.

I must just say with playpen incident dd was just sitting there smiling and clapping , no offensive behaviour was being concducted !!

Sorry Im reading this all now and thinking how silly it all is, but I still feel sick !!

gin,

I'm glad you understand my comments and did not take them the wrong way.

It sounds like you have overcome alot recently and you must of neede to be very strong. I think you have 2 options, either remove yourself from this situation in order to help yourself or build bridges with your mummie friend to help her.

I think you should think carefully about what YOU need right now. The last thing your baby needs is an unhappy, unhealthy mummie. Take care of yourself first and worry about your friends second

Will I just phoned and shes glad I did, but cant talk today about anything as shes getting ready for her boys 1st little party. she said shes not sure what happened or why it become like this, but she said we will talk this week. Will I held my hand out and now well see eh!!!! I think she seemed to feel awkward about the party today , as Im sure the others are coming, but she just said that her family are!!!????I undertsand if she hasnt asked me (& only the other 2)as we havent talked for like 2mths so what can you do !!!! Oh well Ive done what I can, if she feels she cant tell me the truth then I just have to keep her at arms length and let her do her own thing.

Im not sure wether I should call her or wait to hear from her?? I didnt even realise it was her ds's birthday .

I think I would wait, personally. You have, as you said held your hand out... and you don't want to chase her around too much. Especially if you are wanting to be more cool and low key about the situation.

I mean you may well see her in the weekend. And if she has not invited you to her sons party, just leaving the dust to settle might be wise