Younger man... (Think I already know the answer :( )

[Mamapsychstudent]

So I've been single for 3 long years now. I seem to attract controlling men and my last relationship ended particularly nastily and left me so low that I've been scared to dip my toe back in so to speak.
Anyway I started my degree last year and ds and I moved to the city. Took the first job I could find in a bar to top up my student loan working with a bunch of 20 YO's at weekend nights when ds was at his dad's (I'm 32).
Anyway I got on particularly well with this one lad. We used to have a laugh, talk about music and art etc. We had a lot in common. He's not your typical 21 YO as he was really quite articulate and sensitive and just lovely. I never read anything into it being much older and as he had a gf he had been with for years. Then she broke up with him out of the blue which left him reeling and having had a lot of experience with heartbreak I'd give him advice in work. Soon I found a better job and left, and he started texting me. Just silly memes and how are you etc. Sometimes for advice. Over Xmas last year he suggested we go for a drink and catch up and we drank so much... All I remember is stumbling home together laughing in the snow and then waking up next to him in my bed at 6am like OH MY GOD (obvs ds was not home!)
He got in touch the next day saying he had an amazing time and we should do this more as a casual thing. I was very flattered as he is so attractive and younger and cooler etc...
So far the arrangement has suited me down to the ground and we've met again about 3 times since to do the same. Been to the cinema or just for drinks etc then always back to mine after. He never wanted to stay over which I found weird. Anyway I was happy for it to be casual as I have ds and not looking for anything serious.
We have messaged every day since about October last year, he listens to my boring mum problems and I listen to his issues with girls or uni....
The last time he came over (early April) we chatted in bed after for hours and agreed we would like to see each other more and he told me he had spoken to his sister and friends about me.
Then about 3 weeks ago he just stopped messaging. Nothing. Not even any puny likes on fb or Instagram. I know this sounds trivial and kinda pathetic but it's literally the only attention anyone has paid me in years.
I was at a noisy gig last weekend and my phone called him by mistake in my pocket (was mortified) and he didn't even text to say 'think you rang me by mistake'. What the hell?

At first I thought maybe he's seeing someone but he would just tell me! We are friends first and just happen to sleep with each other occasionally.
Anyway... Just that really :( should I message him asking wtf or leave it now?
Xx

What a shit, just wondering if he has someone with you saying he'd not sleep overnight?

Either way, that's totally out of order; personally I'd block him, I'd not be chasing after him!

Sounds like a FWB rather than dating, he's maybe found someone he wants more with; don't do FWB if you feel you want more, it's selling yourself short!

It's a shame that he can't be upfront with you but his silence speaks volumes. He's no longer interested in the arrangement for whatever reason. Perhaps he sensed that you were falling for him. Maybe he has a girlfriend now. It's annoying not to know, isn't it, and I'm sorry for you - I went through something similar years ago.

The staying over thing was weird coz he would leave his car at mine then get a taxi home about 4am or something. Massively inconveniencing himself rather than getting his head down for a few hours and driving back the next day!
Anyway he always said he just didn't like staying at other people's houses and it was coz he had early plans the next day... I dunno. He lives at home though so no girl to go back to?
I guess I'm just hurt as we were friends who could tell each other anything without judgement and it felt like a real escapism for us both. Now this? Not even a text to say 'sorry not been in touch I'm dead busy'. I think he's just been on holiday with some friends so obviously I'm the last thing on his mind which is fine but still...
I feel a prize fool!

No need to feel like a fool, I think with that generation ‘ghosting’ is a thing. As in a socially acceptable way to end things, In my day, before mobiles and the internet it wouldn’t have been possible!

I wouldn’t see an issue with his age if he was mature, but he clearly isn’t & probably met someone & wasn’t grown up enough to tell you.

See it as a ‘getting back on the horse’ thing, he served his purpose, now find a (not controlling but also not flaky!) man!! Good luck OP!

I think you may have been ghosted, it is an incredibly rude and cowardly thing to do but if this guy thought it was just a casual bit of fun he may not feel that he needs to give you any explanation. He may have gotten spooked about entering into a more serious relationship in the cold light of day. I know that might sound odd but in a FWB situation or if you are not yet "official" all bets are off with regards to expectations. Many of the younger generation have very different "rules" around dating.

I know you have said he is not your typical 21 year old but I'm afraid this is exactly how some 21 year olds act while they are trying to figure out what they want out of life and relationships.

Rude of him, but he wasn’t a friend and it was a casual thing.

I think he was living with a woman, OP. Nobody would leave their car and get a taxi home at 4 a.m. like that otherwise.

Well, I think as soon as he said the words 'casual thing', he was telling you what he wanted. Nothing wrong with that, but it sounds like he meant it.

You're all right. I think deep down I was hoping someone would say just text him and ask. Which I want to do but why should I? We've both served a purpose for each other I suppose, he got some great advice from me and someone to lean on during his heartbreak and I (for want of a better word) got back on the saddle so to speak and had a bit of an ego boost at the same time.
Sigh... Not sure what's wrong with me I just don't ever get approached I used to do well with men but I must have a sign on my head saying 'keep away' or something. Ds's dad is very unreliable so currently gone 3 weeks with no night off anyway.
Maybe I should go on tinder or pof?

I'd text him and ask just out of curiosity

Get yourself on tinder gal

I think due to his age the ghosting is because he’s met someone, he doesn’t want to say it to you and have any conversations that could be awkward for him so he’s just cut you off. That’s no reflection on you, you could have just said “that’s great, I’m so happy for you” he’s just at the age and maturity where he can’t see it going that way so he’s just ghosting instead. At his age this is how I did things, I wasn’t sleeping with anyone tho and I’m ashamed to admit it now but if I went on a date and didn’t feel any spark I’d just ignore them til they stopped texting me, I was too cowardly for whys.

I wouldn’t text him, take his silence as the answer and if he gets back in touch in 6-12 months make sure you ignore the little shit.

Put it down to experience & move on. You’ve been played

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Was your dad for instance emotionally unavailable to you?. What are the relationship problems you allude to with your mother?.

I think you need to take some time out in order to recover properly from your previous relationship which was abusive. Your own boundaries would have taken a real bashing at his hands and you remain vulnerable to such approaches. Do not look at tinder or pof!!!. A relationship is the last thing you need, love your own self for a change.

Did you ever enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid; it does not seem like it and your boundaries need more fine tuning and work. Raise your bar, this sort of relationship nonsense could well repeat itself over and over otherwise.

Do the Freedom Programme! If you have a habit of attracting controlling men then the Freedom Programme is for you. Please don't delay, go to one near you (other options too but the f2f meetings are more powerful imo). Is a wonderful course and will change your life, guaranteed.

Sorry about the young guy. I'd ask him wtf is going on, personally. Sounds like he's met someone and doesn't have the maturity to have the conversation with you. Pillock!

Ah, Attila got there first re Freedom Programme. Bears repeating!

I really like the sound of this freedom programme!

My Dad left when I was about 2 years old and we never really saw him again. We reconnected when I was about 25 but he died shortly after.

My relationship with my mother is strained as she is quite controlling and very much 'my way or the highway' which led to me leaving home age 17. So over the years I've basically gone from one man to the next hoping someone would 'look after' me. I now appreciate how unhealthy this was.

I think his absence in my life has definitely had an effect on me and it has taken years for me to be comfortable without a man. Being single for the past 3 years has taught me a lot about myself and my self worth and has been valuable time out of the game. Previously I'd have seen that as a waste of 3 years but I can now see it was necessary.

Anyway, I am starting to feel ready and decided I need some practice dating so I decided to give Tinder another go having tried it out years ago and finding it really vacuous and awful...

A seemingly nice bloke (i.e no topless pics on his profile) asked me out for a drink on Saturday so I said yes why not. Felt v excited for my first date in 3 years....

HE THEN bombarded me with messages and I fell asleep last night and hadn't replied to his last one. Wake up this morning and he's deleted me but not before messaging 'Guess you're sick of me and my small talk after all' or something passive aggressive like that. After we had arranged a date! [shocked]

I even attract controlling men virtually!

Clearly I don't have these smileys down yet hahaha.