Dating during divorce proceedings

[ScoobyCan]

How soon is too soon?

Emotionally split from STBXH @3yrs ago. Separated (he moved out) mid last year, served him unreasonable behaviour papers late 2017. Two DCs under 10. He still wears his wedding ring and is in denial despite ongoing application for DNisi. It seems BuryStE Admin is taking far longer than it should.

I've noticed just how "vulnerable" some men think I am, and how several (married, their wives are my friends) have been kind enough to offer me their shoulders to cry on which I have duly declined. I do not feel vulnerable. I am very capable of holding my own - my soon to be over total sham of a marriage was preceded by a few years of hands-on practical experience, shall we say.

So how soon is too soon to date / commit to a new relationship? I've been on a few dates with varying degrees of failure (!!), but I'd like to go on a few more dates with one particular person, as there really does seem to be a genuine connection. Ongoing divorce saga seems to be the snagging point. And the fact my family will probably start having kittens but that's another thread entirely....

Any thoughts?

Well it took me 5 long years to finally divorce my ExH.
So I think anytime around now is probably OK for you.
He's been gone a year.
You feel OK and strong so give it a go!

When you feel ready is the right time regardless of your legal marital status. If you're the one who was unhappy and checked out of the marriage long before separating then you can be ready to date straight away.

Don't let your STBX's state of denial hold you back.

If your happy and it makes you happy do it!!! life is far to short!

I finally separated from my ex-h in the January and started dating immediately....few dates later met a wonderful chap and been with him ever since, I hadn't moved out of marital home (he had inJanuary) and was in middle of starting divorce proceedings.

Who cares what when...feels good, makes you happy, DC's all happy well and cared for.....go for it and enjoy! xx

P.S yes some did comment on time frame and make judgements, but I don't care! They got worse when we moved in together 3 months later and when we got pregnant 10 months after that!!! Stuff them!

Hells, Hot and Don't,

I have wept with relief just reading your comments.

Having been blamed by STBXH for so many years for his own failings, I became a shell of my former self and felt totally hollowed out, numb. I gave him everything and it was only through some serious therapy that I realised he had emotionally, verbally and financially controlled and abused me for years.

I just want to be happy again and by giving myself permission to be myself, to find ME - that person who I nearly lost - I really feel that I want to move forward and give myself the chance to make up for the decade I have lost.

Thank you so much for your uplifting words. Don't - I am so happy for you that you found someone. I feel it is going to be really important to find a person who actually loves me, and who can show reciprocate my affection and attention, tell me I'm pretty and even that they fancy the pants off me . I never had that with my STBXH, and now I realise just how much I compromised, and how much I justified his awful behaviour. I constantly searched for approval because it was never forthcoming.

I really appreciate your comments, thank you.

Finding yourself is so important.
Being happy with who YOU are.
Then you're ready.
Well done on getting out.
Now it's YOUR time!
Don't feel even slightly guilty for that.
You get one shot at this life and it can be short.
So you live it to the fullest.
Enjoy every minute!!

Yes, do it: you are merely getting divorced, not contemplating entering Holy Orders.

My now XH was in denial. I started dating as soon as I had told him it was over. I kept it discrete but he found out in the end. Of course that became the 'real reason' I'd left and he even told friends and family that I'd had an affair.

I was past caring though. I was free and happy.

My DP is a lovely man, so different to XH. I just regret letting my XH control me for so long.

One life - live it!

Thanks all - I really appreciate your positive responses.

Holy Orders made me laugh as I think STBXH must have taken them around a decade ago - that or he is actually asexual .

I have now accepted a lunch "date" this weekend from the person in question and I'm rather excited about it. Watch this space!

I started dating a guy almost a month ago after moving out of the marital home in November, I'd checked out of the marriage a LONG time before that. I live in a small village and know that when it comes out folk will talk and probably judge me for dating someone so soon. I have two dc under 7. I keep telling myself to forget about other people and as long as me and dc are happy then that's the main thing. DC have no idea yet and I am in no rush to change that. I think we r always concerned about what other people think, and families are great at telling you you're doing the wrong thing when they haven't been in your shoes so don't understand.

If it feels good, then go for it

There’s no harm starting dating again now, focus on when feels right for you... if that’s now, then go for it! DP and I met before either of us had formally started the divorce process with our exes. (We we’re both separated, just hadn’t started the legals) we are very happy together
The key was that we both felt ready to move on, and happy being single but curious as to who might be out there.