Feeling very low - relationship breakdown

[chemicalworld]

I am 36, no DC and I got involved with a man I knew for 20 years. We got involved soon after his relationship breakdown and because of our history fell in love quickly. Because of various stresses he was undergoing because of his divorce we had difficulties. He hadn't been in love with his ex-wife for a long time but he grew up knowing that parents stay together and as they had 2 DC he resigned himself to that until she had an affair.

Fast forward two years, I have met his DC and we got on well, I begin to notice him not picking at me for lots of things about the way I am. He is fastidious with his tidyness and quite regimental about his own health. He just ran the marathon and wants to do more, he doesn't really drink or do anything else. I keep fit by hiking and I like to have a drink on occasion. He cannot understand this and feels that I have a problem when having 2 drinks on a Friday night.

I have struggled with depression and have issues with my Dad. We only saw him every 2 weeks for 2 hours growing up and I have realised recently that it was my Mum putting these restrictions in place and not that my Dad didnt want to see me. This has caused me some distress, I have felt very emotional about it and thought I could trust my DP to support me when I had to write a difficult message to a family member about this. Instead, he seemed annoyed that I had ruined our morning.

I was upset by this, and began to feel anxious that he was going to end our relationship again as he has done twice before. We talked about his nit picking and the upshot is hat he feels I need someone different to him and has called things off between us.

I feel pretty shattered right now on many fronts. I have no idea what to do with my life, where I want to be or where I should go. I feel that at 36 my time is running out and I worry that I am so damaged by my childhood that whenever I feel loved in a relationship I feel I can rely on that person for emotional support. It seems that I can't and perhaps he is right. I feel lost and I dont' know how I can keep on picking myself up like this. I wish I could just press stop on my life. I never wanted to have the things happen to me that did, and I feel bitter that they impact me in this way.

I'm sorry about what happened to you in your past, but try to see only your relationship with this man. He was not right for you. Of course you can rely on a partner for emotional support. Just because you couldn't rely on him doesn't mean that's the norm. It was just him.

And h sounds like a controlling arsehole about the drinks

Honestly, don't blame yourself and your past, this guy sounds like a controlling emotionally unavailable tosser and it was him not you.

Sometimes people are not suited. That is just the way it is. He wasn't right for you, there is no blame on you for that.

He wasn't the one for you. He was unsupportive when you needed him and he really lacks empathy.

Maybe that's why it didn't work out with his Ex.

It might help to have counselling for your childhood issues.

Do you see your dad more now? So many women use the children as a weapon and it's so damaging in the end.

Problem was that my Dad had an affair and just upped and left one day. From then on he saw him as I said above. My Mum was utterly devastated by his leaving and unfortunately I think she did limit our time.

My Dad now lives in Cyprus with this woman and we've never really managed to construct a relationship. It seems impossible. I think seeing my partner with his daughter sparked off something inside me, it felt like grief for 'losing' the relationship I had with my Dad.

I have had counselling, I am actually training to become one myself! I think I need to speak to someone different about what has come up for me now though.

I just feel like this man I knew for 20 years, who seemed to love me, for me - changed that. He started to want to change me, which made me quite anxious about wanting to be someone different in order to make him happy. I really fell for him and opened myself up to him in a way that I hadn't done for a decade (after working through my issues from childhood) I thought I was in a good place - but clearly sometimes things come up and i was surprised with this new knowledge about my Mum. It skewed everything that I thought and now I feel I am grieving my relationship with my Dad, and now this too.

Have you thought about therapy to work out a lot of things from your childhood.
I totally get the same feeling when I am in a relationship I often feel totally unsupported and that I am there for everyone and no one is there for me, which 100% comes from childhood experiences.

It's being able to notice these patterns, and this behaviour and stop it before it starts, if you get what I mean. people often use the word boundaries.

You've spent 2 years with someone who clearly isn't right for you, lots of people don't need a lot of emotional support, but if you do! well then you do! and you shouldn't have to minimise that part of your self.

I am a bit older than you and stayed in 2 very unhealthy relationships for a lot longer than I should have because I couldnt see the problems.

but you must take this relationship ending as a chance to work on what you actually want in life, and the kind of person you want. otherwise you will repeat this over and over.

sorry cross post!
sometimes I think it's easy to love someone from afar, I loved someone I knew for many years who was a friend. but it turned out he wasnt the man I thought he was. Which is pretty devastating to deal with, because I thought, how did i get it so wrong. But I do think I fantasised him when we werent together, IE - if we end up together it will be SO perfect because we have loved each other from afar for so long.

I totally agree, and I've done a fair bit of work on myself previously and as I say, felt I had got to a good point and let this man in who I felt really matched with. We talked a lot abotu everything, so I was shocked and surprised at his reaction to my problem. I think previously we had spoken a lot about HIS problems and I had come through a lot myself. I felt really prepared for a relationship.

I think the problems we faced have gradually instilled anxiety in me, and this has now exhibited itself in me trying to be someone I am not to fit his ideal. I badly wanted things to work out so I guess I just need to accept he was not the one for me and try and move forward.

Absolutely, I can see that. We dated as teenagers and he has always held a torch for me, I felt very safe with him and initially very loved and treasured.

@chemicalworld
it's so hard, I know how you feel, it really devastated me. it's hard to let go of the hope and the future you thought you would have, finding out someone isnt the one for you is part of the process, especially if you have known them for years. at least you have seen it, and you will move on from it.
Many people stay and cling onto hope, and become a shadow of their former selves.
At least you won't be doing that xx

I had done previously as I knew he had so much stress in his life that I gave him allowances, (because I knew him)

It feels very tough this, and waking up feeling im back to where I didn't want to be again is hard.

I wanted to have a family, I wanted to have a loving home - and I don;t know if that will ever happen for me or how I will cope. Right now I know I am feeling very low, I am not normally quite like this but it feels like such a big blow again.

Well he sounds abusive and controlling and I'm glad he's ended it.
It's tough now but this is definitely for the best.
36 is nothing.
My friend went through having a DC by sperm donor at age 39.
You still have time.
But get this prick out of your head.
Spot red flags sooner and end things sooner when you see them.
Be kind to yourself.

get your fertility checked ASAP
It's a few hundred £, but I think it would really be useful to you to know where you stand in that regard.
I am 40 and I really fucked it all up. you've still got some time

My flat has needed bits doing to it, and organising. He came in and wanted to sort all of this out which has been amazing, and he said he wanted me to be happy. I believe him of this, but I also think he couldnt stand to be in a less than pristine environment.

More and more though there were questions about why I did this a certain way, or why wasn't I using another utensil or something else... all with a withering look. I don;t think he wants to be that way and I certainly don't need chipping away like that either.

why wasn't I using another utensil or something else... all with a withering

Bloody hell, how unsexy!!!

Yes that bit wasn't the best!

I have thought about gettng tested for my fertility, but at the same time I wonder what good that would do without being in a good relationship. I i have an ok job and a shared ownership place in London and I am not sure I could have a kid on my own. I couldn't fund it for myself.

I just want to meet someone and have a family life, but I think that might pass me by

It’s not about getting tested if you’re in a relationship
It’s about being educated. They might say, you’ve got plenty of time and you’re young for your age.
Or they might say it’s too late already.

Unless you know you can’t make much of an informed choice about where your life goes next.
I wish I had done it earlier. I think I would have been a lot more proactive about my life.
Knowledge is power and all that.

@eightfacesofthemoon Yes it is. I get what you are saying.

I am feeling stronger today which is positive though I am waiting for a crash. I've managed to eat some breakfast and spoken to a friend and talked her through what happened without crying.

This has highlighted that I have not come to terms with my relationship with my Dad, and that is something I need to try to resolve within myself.

Oh darling, this man isn't for you. And how lucky that he has made that decision for you NOW, when you are still a young 36, and you have so much opportunity ahead of you. I met my DP at 37 and we had our first child at 40- there is plenty of time for most women in your shoes, if that is a worry for you.

You sounds like a fun and carefree woman, who lives the outdoors but likes a dram with it. He sounds like walks around with a rod up his arse, and I suspect in a few weeks time you'll feel so much better once you're out from the beam of his influence.

I can totally understand how devastating your family situation must have been. have you tried to get in touch with your dad? Are you able to forgive your mum/ are you still on talking terms? I would suggest that you work through these issues while being jolly glad that you escaped from such an unsuitable relationship yourself- and you'll find somebody who is right for you, you really will x

I think you've dodged a bullet there. This isn't the right guy for you.

Are you in touch with your dad at all? If so could you ask whether you could book a holiday out to Cyprus (not staying with him) so that you can talk to him?

He didn't get how devastating that would be for me, he is someone that works with people with psychological problems and yet he minimised what happened to me, I could tell that I had been triggered by his relationship with his daughter and I found articles backing this up - but he told me that these articles were about people who have suffered abuse. He minimised the effect of the situation that happened to me. No I wasn't abused but being a daddy's girl and then having that ripped away has consequences.

I am in touch with my Dad, but he doesn't want to bring any of this up or tell me what really happened. I get very emotional when I talk about anything like this with my Dad and I don't think he can really handle it either!

I am a fun and carefree person, this is who DP fell in love with. He fell in love with someone who he thought knew herself - which I do! However sometimes shit happens and when it does I might need some hand holding through it. I think he was horrified, he even said he worried I was 'unstable', which again just dug at me.

All of his judgements were done with kindness, but each one seemed to be impacting me slowly and taking away my ability to be that happy woman he fell in love with.

Regarding my Mum, i haven't spoken to her about it, nor my brother. I can't bring myself to right now. I know my Mum loves me dearly, and worries about me all the time. I know that her actions then were taken out of heartbreak and that because of the way my Dad left me and my brother's relationship with my Dad was obviously difficult.

At the time, I didn't want to spend a lot of time with him, but I always thought that was his doing, that he didn't want to spend much time with us but that wasn't the case. It's complicated. I think that exDP couldn't understand my digging around in this area but he couldn't understand the impact that it had on my entire being.

I am going to use this thread to help myself through this. As I feel i've previously exhausted some friends capacity to help.

Yesterday i felt pretty high, i had a busy day at work and I think the clarity of the situation with my now ex bought me good feelings. I am able to categorically state now that we won't work and aren't right for each other. This is what I have needed to get me over him and I think that I finally will.

Today though, I feel sadness gulfing up inside. Feeling alone again, without a plan for my life. When single I struggle to do this for myself. I am a low level of anti - depressants which help but it's like I can't make a decision in my life without someone else there to do it with.

Well now is your opportunity to do just that.
It's lovely to have people to 'sound off' to when doing this kind of thing but ultimately, you are responsible for your life and your own happiness.
So you do what you want to do.
Sit down and start to write things down.
Things you like and things you don't like.
Your ideal job and your worst job.
Then start to work it out from there.
YOU can do this and you know you can.
Time to find yourself, you, what you want.
Go for it!