Sex after abusive relationship. Can I do this?

[Goingalonenow]

I'm in the process of divorcing my emotionally abusive H. We've been separated a while and towards the end it wasn't a relationship anymore.

I wasn't planning on dating but I met someone. We've been on a few dates and it's going very well, he's the opposite of my ex. We've plans to go for a meal on Friday and it's probable we'll end up going home together. It's what I want, it feels right. But.

Ex was emotionally abusive and sometimes physically. More often than not sex was his weapon. It wasn't something I wanted and wasn't pleasant. I didn't consent but I didn't say no, if that makes sense. New guy knows that I escaped a very bad marriage but doesn't know the details.

My worry is that we'll get to a place where sex is imminent and I'll freak out. I'm not worried about his reaction, I'm confident that if I said stop at any point he would. I'm worried that I won't be able to be intimate with him ever, I'll always feel tainted in some way.

I've been seeing a therapist and she thinks I should tell him more about my marriage before I sleep with him - she thinks me not being open is causing me more anxiety. In a way I agree, get all my baggage out there. I'm not sure how I could tell him though. Not without making things awkward.

Would you tell him? My head is all over the place with this.

Definitely listen to your therapist, you should let your new boyfriend know about your concerns.

If he is not understanding, then you remove him from your life.

Coming out from an abusive relationship can result in PTSD or even suffering from other health problems.

Good luck.

I agree . He sounds great and needs to understand you ,or maybe your reactions to things. Just wait a bit , what's the rush ?

You do not to tell all the outs straight away , but gently advise the place of where you come from and where you hope to be in the future and how he can help.

There's no rush, it's been about 2 months of dating and I feel like I'm ready. But worried that I'll react differently when it comes to it.

I'm going to call him later and tell him how things were for me and see how we go from there.

Even before I got to the section of your post in which you say that the therapist has advised you to give him more detail, I was thinking 'she needs to put her cards on the table.' You need not give him the whole story, but he must be aware of why you might react in a somewhat unusual way.

Be confident that you will be able to be intimate with someone. You have taken the first steps in starting to form a relationship and sex has naturally come onto the agenda. Despite all the bad things that it meant to you in your previous life, you realise that sex is something to be enjoyed as a huge part of the bonding process with another human. In my mind you are half way there, because of the mental approach you have taken. The physical part will follow, but don't rush it. Your new chap sounds like a decent sort and has given you the confidence to take it this far. I wish you lots of luck.

We're going for a walk to the local pub in half an hour, going to talk to him. Thanks for the advice.

Well I told him everything. He didn't run even though I told him he could and I wouldn't be offended.

We're still going for our meal, he's still coming back to mine but he said he's happy to sleep on the sofa if I'm not comfortable and he'll take things at my pace.

Well done. That was brave. He sounds like a keeper, Good luck xx

There are decent men out there!

You’ll react however you do att and so will he. If you suddenly freak out and say you’ve changed your mind, hopefully he’d be understanding. And if he isn’t, then he’s prob not the right one for you.
I think you will be ok, it’s most likely nerves making you worry xx

I would be careful of sharing too much about an abusive relationship with a new partner personally regardless of your therapists advice.

No abusive man starts off showing their colours in the beginning, it's all hearts and flowers till you're in enough you're less likely to walk away when they reveal them.

Hopefully your new partner is lovely and everything goes well. But don't fall into the trap of becoming emotionally dependent by oversharing or false security. Give him long enough to show you who he is before you trust him with more detail

He is lovely. Completely the opposite of exh.