He's Definatley gone for good and im broken

[unmumsyma]

Been with DP for 7 years we have a 4 year old.
we where having some problems so he went to stay with his mother, this has happened before we just have a bit of space, then he usually comes back and its ok.. not this time. He gradually got less and less in contact with me, only when it was about DD, then he tells me he wont be back, then I find out hes been on a date- I confronted him and he said he's been dating a woman- he wont tell me who and that they have had sex, he's been staying at her house even though she has kids!! .

I am utterly devastated, he has moved on already and I cant see how I am ever going to feel better I just feel so alone and helpless and I need him back, he calls to speak to DD when he's sat around this woman's house and I cant help but go mad at him, I've utterly made a twat of myself I bet the woman is laughing at me.

I need help, I need to know this will get better I feel like I cant breathe with grief, also feel like a terrible mother as my daughter has just seen me crying and weeping for days on end.

He just does not care what he has done and said he needed some attention because I haven't given him what he needs for a long time.

I feel so sick inside and alone

What now?

It will get better. But you're at the worst point now so don't beat yourself up for feeling so bad and crying. He's been a dick. Can you ring someone you can talk to, a friend or family member who can support you?

I have been speaking with my mum, I'm jus so confused.
I know he's saying with another woman most night but I cant help but want him back. I feel like its all my own fault :(

It absolutely does not feel like it will get better. But it will. Please be kind to yourself. Do you have family and friends to lean on?

I forget where I read this but something that I was impressed by said 'problems in the relationship are 50/50 but cheating is always 100% on the cheater'. It was his decision to start up with someone else, nothing you did. He should have been clear with you first and that's on him.
Even if you do want him back, the best thing to do now is to shut down contact and ignore him. Don't beg him to reconsider, that just makes it all worse. Decide you are moving on - even if you don't feel like it, fake it till you make it.

Did you split up?

How long has he been gone?

It will get better.
It really will.
It just won't feel like for quite some time yet.
But you now need to focus.
Stop messaging him.
Stop talking to him.
Only text regarding access to your DD and money.
What is the living situation?
Can you afford the house on your own?
Is it rented or mortgaged and under who's name?
Get practical!
Get as much real life support around you as you can.
Tell everyone he's a lying, cheating, scumbag and get angry!!!!

I live in a rented property and I cant afford it on my own, I have got the ball rolling with housing benefits etc, but unsure how much help I can get as I work. I might have to find somewhere else to live that's cheaper. its all just so awful

Its the evenings I'm struggling when DD id in bed I just cry and cry until I go to bed I cant see this ever getting better

he's been gone 4 weeks in total now, I found out about the OW a week ago.

He insists on calling to speak to DD each night- even when he's sat with her, I just cant deal with it anymore! I've been diagnosed with GAD (generalised Anxiety disorder) so that isn't helping matters either

4 weeks is no time at all.
I cried for months when I split from my ExH.
Time, time, time.
You cry when you want to.
But there will come a day in a couple of months where you don't cry.
Or you only cry for an hour.
And then it all starts to get a little bit easier.
Then a week will go by when you haven't cried.
And then the healing starts.
It's a long process.
We can't tell you otherwise.

What is the agreement with him regarding maintenance payments?
Do you know how much he earns?

He earns really good money, he's paid the rent for me this month.
We haven't discussed maintenance yet as hes been paying th rent until I have gotten help sorted with the council.

My rent is 850.00 there is no way I can afford it

I think whats hurting the most is I'm sat there crying while hes with another woman I just feel so incredibly stupid and let down like I mean nothing to him

I can tell you from personal experience, this will get better with time.

You won't and can't see it now because it's new and fresh, everyday seems the same. You feel okay when waking up for the first 5 seconds and then he grief hits you. But I promise you. It'll stop over time. As PP said, it's a journey, you will feel better as time goes on.

Similar happened to me. He wasn't happy but instead of talking to me and trying to put in right, he went to another woman.

Endless hell from there on in, grief, panic, jealousy, fear - just about every negative emotion out there. But above all I wanted him back. And I hated her. Same old story.

I imagine it does pass but think it will take quite some time. My partner is back, its a long story, one that I don't want to go over again.

Just wanted you to know that a lot of us have been where you are now, with varying outcomes.

My friends were a godsend. Reach out to yours. xxxxx

Hi op, im so sorry you feel this shit.
Im a year post break up and i can tell you how different is is now.
My relationship was abusive and ended violently, because of this i attended therapy. It not only helped me with the trauma of my relationship but it helped me to unserstand the process of grieving for the end of it, because no marter what he was i lobed hom so very much, right up until the final beating.
The shock of it ending was like someone throwing a grenade into my life. All i could do was watch in horror as my 'normal' exploded.
I know its not the same but i also suffer from anxiety (a result of the ptsd that the traumatic end left me with) now a year on (im approaching the anniversary this monrh) im still a litle sad. However that gut wrenching, heat aching, panic inducing, all engulfing pain has gone. I can see it rationally now, i can say with all honesty i dont want him back because iy wasnt a good relationship. So now its just sadness, sadness that it didnt work that he wasnt the man i thought he was.
Men move on quicker and i dont think its because they care less its just because they dont try to work through pain like women do. We will try to analyse it, understand it, feel it and thats all good because it means its being acknowledged and dealt with. I think men have a much more one dimensional out look towards it. Please try not to let the thoughts of him with someone else take over, i know its easier said and done but rebound relationships rarely work. You on the other hand are getting through the pain and you will come out stronger and healthier for it.
In the early days (i was an absolute wreck) i used to make sure i sent myself a text every night. Saying yay you got this, it hurt today but look what you achieved. Even if all i had managed was to get up and shower, cook a dinner or go shopping i congratulated myself.
I also wrote a list of jobs that needed doing that week and each evening id make myself do one and tick it off of the list.
Its baby steps op. You will get there.

Thanks for your advice ladies,
I am just so worried I'm going to have a breakdown, I feel like I am just waiting for him to say hes made a mistake and that he loves me and wants to come home. I don't this its ever going to happen.

I have all the worry of money and that I might have to move due to the rental costs its all just too much I feel sick

I just want the pain to go away

It will get easier (might not feel like it now), I struggled with the evenings too, I felt really lonely, I now love my quite evenings. I suffer with anxiety and was given medication from my go for a few months but once I got through the worse my mental health was better than when I was with him. Just take each day at a time, try not to fixate on him being with someone else (she’s probably just a rebound), fuccus on your dd and try and keep busy, make arrangements with friends and family, give yourself things to look forward too.