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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Diplomacy required - help please

6 replies

VoluptuaGoodshag · 17/05/2007 13:28

Background. Elderly father can't walk too far these days. I suggested to my mother that he gets a mobility scooter and offered to help out with it financially. Both she and he agreed that it was a good idea but they are quite capable of paying for it themselves thankyou. No problem! She then mentions the idea to my brother who suggested looking on Ebay for one. She agreed that it might be worth looking. He then emailed me and other sibling suggesting that we all chip in. I said I'd no problem with that but that Mum would not be happy about it and would insist on paying for it herself. He said well we should just get it and present it to them as a pressie.

Anyway, a scooter has now been bought from Ebay and when my bruv said that he'd got one and that it was a pressie from their children unsurprisingly she went off on one.

I will be going to visit them tomorrow and am expecting an onslaught.

Now, I can see my parents' point of view in that they might need the odd mobility aid but that doesn't mean they aren't in control of their own faculties and are quite capable of buying something for themselves without being told what to do. I understand the nobility of us chipping in to buy it for them but I think my bruv has lost the point a bit in ignoring my folk's wishes and TBH it's a bit patronising. It's not about the money but more the symbolism of it all. How do I convince him before WW3 erupts over something which had only good intentions?

OP posts:
VoluptuaGoodshag · 17/05/2007 13:42

bump

OP posts:
thegardener · 17/05/2007 13:52

Some people are more independent than others, i think more so when you are not as able bodied as you were or not as financially secure as you were.

i would say to your brother how upset your folks are about this and that they would prefer to pay for it themselves, even though they do appreciate the gesture. I would also say in life there are always things that you want to do without other people's support and they can manage.

After that it's up to him and your parents, let them sort it out!

I have found that now dh & i have only one wage coming in i want to be more independent with money, we have already had a loan from pil for a new car and they still want to throw money at us for ds, i just want to manage without their help, we can financially and i know they are only trying to help but i don't want to except their money as simple as that.

Carmenere · 17/05/2007 13:55

A gift is a gift, presumeably it is not a statement about how their dc's don't think they can afford to run their lives anymore. I personally think that they are being oversensitive as I assume that they have done lots of nice things for their family and this is just a small thankyou.

donnie · 17/05/2007 13:58

proud parents - difficult one! I think you and your brither will just have to stand your ground and insist that it was done out of kindness. Perhaps you could play up the fat it is an ebay deal and unusually cheap? that might assuage things a bit.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 17/05/2007 14:01

They have done lots. In fact only recently my mum decided she wanted to spend some dosh on each of us and asked us what we needed. I got a new hoover, bruv got a new patio set and other bruv got cash equivalent as he lives miles away. When I'd originally mentioned the scooter she said look I'm trying to get rid of some money so what's the point of you lot spending it on me. She's a wonderful old lady and does lots of little things for us all the time and yes it's wonderful for us to repay her in some way but I don't think we should just go out and out against her wishes when she has been adamant from the start that she wants to pay for it herself. We could easily surprise her in some other way.

OP posts:
thefuturesbright · 17/05/2007 14:02

hideous how these things backfire isn't it? well, it's a done deal now and you are piggy in the middle.

You could warn your mum, soak up the flack, bring her round, let your brother think he's done the right thing. But I think your bro needs to hear the sharp end of your mum's tongue. He might think your mum is being a bit 'silly' not accepting this thoughtful gift, but he was warned in advance not to do it and he rode roughshod over her views which is rude, disrespectful, ageist and patronising in the extreme.

Your mum may be a bit scared - if I were her at her age I might be wondering what would happen if he thought it would be a good idea for your parents to go into a home but they didn't want to go - would he just book them in?

You shouldn't get the onslaught - dump him in it, and tell him you've done it too. Your mum is right, your brother is wrong, and he needs to know.

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