Need help and advice please ...

[Jan83]

Hi, would really appreciate any support and advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation to mine. My mum died a few years ago and my husband and I made the decision to move my Dad in with us. We were making a move anyway and basically got somewhere big enough for all of us. He's pretty independent but wasn't coping too well on his own in an emotional sense. We also have 2 young children (7 and 3 years). We've always got on well, and my husband and Dad too. Anyway, fast forward a couple of years and things are really falling apart. The relationship between my Dad and my husband is becoming so strained my husband usually walks out when he enters the room. I can't say I entirely blame him as my Dad has been v. difficult at times and hasn't always really understood that we need our own space as a family (plus a lot of other small things which eventually mount up and become big things). We have resolved some issues but they seem to just be replaced by new ones, and keep wearing relationships down. It's tearing me apart and I just want a way out. I've tried talking to my Dad but this usually results in nothing more than him sulking and me feeling incredibly guilty. My life is spent on eggshells between the 2 of them and i am so unhappy. I honestly feel like i've made the worst decision of my adult life and i'm totally trapped. I feel like leaving with the kids but i don't think i really want my marriage to be over or my family to fall apart. Any words of advice, or even just support would be greatly appreciated x

How old is your dad? What's his health like, mentally and physically?

What is he doing that you're having to address with him, which leads to him sulking?

Why do you feel guilty when he sulks?

Thanks for the reply. He's 72. His physical health is okay for his age, mentally he can be a bit forgetful (nothing too bad though) and has suffered from depression in the past. He's not easy to talk to about that, he tends to clam up and it's just so hard to get anywhere with him. He is not a nasty or vindictive person at all and is good with grandkids, i just can't make sense of some of his behaviour. When we all first moved in together he seemed to think that I would be doing all the cooking forever (plus left all dirty pots for me and husband to do) - this was very quickly nipped in the bud (I clearly told him that wasn't happening) but he had a sulk about that at the time. I think at that point I realised things weren't right and it kind of set the tone for things to come- my heart sank but the major commitment had already been made. Since that time a lot of other things have happened. Major ongoing issues are my husband has caught him trying to listen in on our private conversations (once caught him listening outside our living room door but has happened on other occasions too). Just the other week DH was on the phone in the garden, i found my Dad literally craning around the kitchen window to watch him. I was so annoyed i asked him what he was doing, he said he wondered who DH was talking to!? I told him not to watch him, he's in his own garden having a private convesation - this lead to about 3 hours of sulking (subtle quiet moping behavior). This sort of thing is pretty regular and has had a big effect on us as a couple. My DH just wants to feel he isn't being watched/listened to in his own home! He also expects to be involved with us a lot (more than a usual parent/grandparent), for example if i'm working at a weekend and DH is home with kids he will sulk about the house if not included, even if we have included him in other things during the week. Interestingly he sulks more with DH. DH is so exasperated and angry he can barely hide it. This then leads to arguments between us as ultimately he is my Dad and I only have the one parent left x

Your Dad is bored and he needs to find something to do. Does her have any friends?
Can you get help from Social Services, maybe he can attend a day center where he will have the communication among his peers that is lacking.
He is probably feeling so pended in, no where to go, no friends that he is becoming very frustrated with himself and the family.
If he could join some sort of group that goes on day trips etc, that would be a great help for him.
Also this will give him something to look forward to.
He may be resistance to attend at first, but stick to you guns, after a couple of weeks hopefully things will change.

Thank you. I sometimes think that too although he does go out and has some friends where we live, that side of things at least has improved since we moved here, although the behaviours are still happening. I think he relied on my Mum in that sense for so many years and has struggled to motivate himself alone (she died over 8 years ago now). The relationship between my Dad and DH is the worst it's ever been. I understand it's so hard on DH but when DH walks out the room I can feel the tension and I can't stand ignoring/excluding people. It's a tactic he grew up with as a child, in fact he told me the other week his mother used to ignore him for weeks at a time if he had done something wrong as a child, he brushed it off by saying she probably didn't mean anything by it! And these things have a habit of coming round in circles. I don't want my kids growing up seeing behaviour like that. If I talk to him I am accused of siding with my Dad which i'm not and then arguments begin again x

See if you can get him some help from social services as I said.
Going to center daily may give him something to look forward to each morning. It will be like going to work and then coming home in the evenings.
Also if he is at the center during the week, the kids at school, you and your husband could take a day off work sometimes and be home alone. Just don't mention it to your Dad or the kids. This is you and your husband's little secret.
I think also that your husband is missing the private moments that this would entail.

Your dad does sound bored. I would definitely get him involved in activities outside the home to occupy his time and mind

Could he live on his own?
Or in assisted housing?
Worth looking into.
This would put a major strain on any relationship.

Here are a couple more ideas to think about.
How about once a month if you can afford it you and your husband take a day off, book a hotel and enjoy each other for the allotted time.
Trust me you will see a change in hubby.

Also take your dad just the two of you out for a meal and really talk to him, this could be once a month or every two months. You need to treasure these moments now, because when they are gone, you will only have regrets.
But do the hotel first, that way hubby won't feel neglected. You could also mention that whilst you on your way back from the hotel.
If you cannot afford, the hotel, both of you take a day off from work, see if you can find a day center for your dad, drop him off and return home for the day with your husband.
As I said use the hotel time just for you two, no discussing the children, your father, work etc. This is about connecting romantically.

You need to choose - your dad or your husband.

Your dad sounds like a twat with no boundaries. I'd pick the husband and children.

Sounds like your mum was providing a buffer zone around your dad and protecting him from his own twattish behaviour.

You didn't choose your dad.

You did choose your DH.

Which one will you pick?

NotTheFordType:
She does not need to choose husband over father.
What she needs is help from social services to get her father into a day center or something that can keep him busy.
The man is bored, probably looking back over his life and unhappiness have set in.
I am surprised she did not find some help sooner, rather than allowing dad to stay home all day doing nothing.

Yes, he could find something to do, but people that age need help and a little push.
Loneliness is a killer and that is what her dad's biggest problem is.
She needs to have a purpose to get up each morning, and right now he does not have anything.

If he can care for himself, sheltered housing may suit. You can have help to clean, meals delivered....
It seems it was a bit hasty to move him in with you, he needs his space and so do you.
He can still visit, come for holidays, but will be independent, with support if needed

We had my stepfather come to live with us at 83 yo. He had been difficult but mellowed as he got older. We moved and found a house with a one bed annexe, so he could watch sport all day long (we don't like sport). It worked well and he was with us for 8 years. But no, you can't carry on like this. You need to find alternative accommodation for him

If your father is relatively fit and well social services will not offer you day care I afraid. Social services will only offer support to those who physically are in need of care and respite. And there will of course be a charge for anything they provide.

Does your father have any interest? You can look for local lunch clubs. Friendship groups usually through the church. Or volunteering opportunities he may wish to get involved in to occupy his time. He is 72. So really not old my a long shot.

I hope you find a solution to your situation. It does sound difficult for all of you.