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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP has gone, there couldn't be a worse time.

47 replies

Sharpandshineyteeth · 13/05/2018 21:43

DP of 4 years, have one DD together and I have 4 other DC.

In November I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I have just finished chemo and I am waiting for my double mastectomy. He has been shit throughout really. Has worked constantly and generally not wanted to be around. But at least he has been sometimes and when I've been desperate. Now I'm completely on my own and it feels shit.

Even if he did want to come back now I'm not sure I could forgive him.

He left because we argue too much. We do and I begged him to try counselling because it is over silly stuff. We need to communicate better. But he won't and now he's gone.

OP posts:

Thinkingofausername1 · 13/05/2018 22:47

Big hugs. You sound like you have some fab friends, I'm so sorry that your dh has behaved like this.

musketeersmama · 13/05/2018 23:03

You sound amazing OP, I'm so very sorry you're going through this. 💐

flopsyrabbit1 · 13/05/2018 23:08

god talk about kick a girl when she is down

he is weak and will never have your strength

im glad you have good friend but it dosent stop you hurting or wanting him im guessing

will you be able to manage with your health and kids?

maybe his mum can step in

Brie · 13/05/2018 23:18

You do sound amazing. I think you will be just fine without him. A closer relationship with your kids. It must feel horrible now but he doesn't sound very ahem... useful to have around anyway. Power to you and your kids!

ineedaholidaynow · 13/05/2018 23:28

I am so sorry OP

If you have a DD together will he want to see her? Assume you could still stay in contact with his mum for DD's sake, especially if she has been a great support for you in the past.

Fuckwithnosensesauce · 14/05/2018 01:03

I think the idea of writing goodbye to his mum is a good one. Tell her what he has done, but not because you want her to persuade him to man up. Do you want him back? Is he too emotionally immature to cope with your illness.
Whatever the reason, it’s shit. I remember the night before I went in for a very serious op (could have died) my husband was a knob and I thought how could you fucking behave badly now of all times?

ohcomeon12321 · 14/05/2018 01:22

2 directly contradictory statements by op: He left because we argue too much and He will say we broke up because we argue. Simply not true

Sally2791 · 14/05/2018 06:12

So sorry for what you are going through. Wishing you all the best for your treatment and your future without a heartless man

MrsCatE · 14/05/2018 06:18

Sorry OP. You said the arguments were over silly things. It sounds like he was trying to make mountains out of molehills as his exit strategy. Unfortunately, some people are shits when being presented with a situation where they need to 'man up'.

MrsSchadenfreude · 14/05/2018 06:31

Some men do this - I have three friends, two were diagnosed with MS and their husbands left them, and one who was diagnosed with cancer. One said that this “wasn’t what he signed up for.”

Write to his mother. She may have him back (she may not - she may tell him to go home and face up to his responsibilities like a man) but she will know.

MadMags · 14/05/2018 06:38

I’m really sorry but I think it’s a bit mean to manipulate his mother like that! Sorry!!

Because you wouldn’t be writing to say goodbye, you’d be writing to tell his mummy on him which I’m sure is tempting but what will it achieve?!

The problem is that he can choose to end the relationship whenever he wants, for whatever reason, and if you have been arguing then it is true.

His timing and treatment of you make him an utter, contemptible bastard no mistake.

But try to focus on yourself and your dc who you say are happier, so that’s a big positive.

Do you have support?

minmooch · 14/05/2018 06:44

I'm so sorry op.

I had something similar. My eldest son was diagnosed with a brain tumour. My then husband of 5 years, my sons step dad said he had not bargained on having an ill step child, it stopped him doing what he wanted to, and he couldn't support me emotionally, physically or financially. He then expressed surprise that I wanted to push through a divorce so quickly! I will never forgive him for his cowardly actions and the nastiness he threw at me when my son was dying.

I too had amazing friends, family and my sons father and step mum luckily were amazing with me as well as DS.

Some people are just hideous. I could not have treated my worst enemy like that.

Once the shock is over I expect you will be able to manage with the help of friends and family.

Wishing you love and strength.

Original poster

Sharpandshineyteeth · 14/05/2018 06:57

@ohcomeon12321 I meant he will say we broke up, as in a mutual decision, but the truth is he left without trying anything else.

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 14/05/2018 06:59

Don't criticise her son to his mum, OP. My ex was horrible but his parents were brilliant. I never criticised him to them and sometimes, rarely, she would criticise him. I never joined in. The love a mother has for her child is much too strong.

Original poster

Sharpandshineyteeth · 14/05/2018 07:02

Thank you everyone. I am sure I will. E glad of this one day. The thought of getting through the next months alone is terrifying. My friends are amazing but are not there in the middle of the night.

@minmooch could you ever imagine he would have done that? My DP has changed massively over this past year, not just since diagnosis, but since he found a new job where he feels important, it's now like he couldn't give a shit about me, whereas before, I was his world.

I don't want to have to split my time with DD either. My other DS' spend 5 nights a fortnight with exh and I hate it, I don't want that for DD.

My heart is so heavy today but up I get to go to work and carry on.

He has ignored all of my messages, absolutely heartless.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sharpandshineyteeth · 14/05/2018 07:03

I don't think I will say anything to his mum. I should imagine I will still see her during pick ups and drop offs, I can tell her I miss her then and have valued her support massively but leave DP out of it.

OP posts:

minmooch · 14/05/2018 07:06

No SharpandShiney. I never thought he would do that. But to be honest once he said those words I turned ice cold towards him - he had shown his true colours.

FreshStartToday · 14/05/2018 07:11

Yy to not telling his mum. She will know. She sounds as if she is already an ally and will want to be in contact with her granddaughter. Is she local to you?

Sending positive vibes to you. Remember that MN is here in the middle of the night, if you need to talk/vent/or need support. There is always someone awake and ready to listen.

Original poster

Sharpandshineyteeth · 14/05/2018 18:04

He's picked up DD for the night from nursery as agreed. He won't answer the phone to me and I'm really losing the plot that she's away from me. Its different with the older ones as I would call them. I feel awful on my own. How can he just ignore me like this?

OP posts:

MadMags · 14/05/2018 18:30

What is it that you’re ringing for? Can you text it instead?

Original poster

Sharpandshineyteeth · 14/05/2018 18:43

He won't answer them either. I just want some contact and to know how DD is.

OP posts:

MadMags · 14/05/2018 19:26

hang in there!

Do you think he took her to his mum’s for a bit? Maybe a quick call to her? Not to involve her just to say “I was hoping to catch dd to say goodnight”.

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