I can't go on

[imsolost]

I really really don't know how t live anymore. My husband is a gaslighter never takes responsibility for anything, everything always back to me. Picks fights until I cry (I try my hardest not to, I don't want to give him the satisfaction) then tells me I'm to blame and just became I can 'make myself cry' I'm not innocent.
I have 2 beautiful children and it kills me that they see me cry. My eldest asked me today why I was crying and why I was so stressed, he's 4.
I have moments of being so overwhelmed by what's going on I don't want to live. It's a shortlived thought as I could never leave me children.
I don't know what to do, I'm a SAHM and have no savings and he's said he'd never leave me until I'm finically secure. But I don't have the option of getting my own money.
When he's not behaving like this he's a wonderful man and a great dad. I'm so confused it's like he's two different people and I never know who I'm going to get.
I don't know how to keep on going, it's getting worse. He's been in a bad mood since yesterday, I had a panic attack this afternoon and he questioned me the whole time about stuff and it just made everything worse. He's constantly looking for a fight with me. I don't have any choice but to stay.
I'm sorry this is so long, I just needed to get it out

In the kindest way possible he is not 2 different people. He is one person who treats you like shit and makes you cry in front your children. It must be heartbreaking for them.
He is neither a wonderful man or a great dad. Great dads don't make the mother of their children cry on purpose, they simply don't.
The sooner you realise that this is who he is and not some weird dual personality who can't help himself, the sooner you will be able to gather the strength you need to leave.
He's an abuser, you need to start recognising it.

He always has an excuse though. It's my fault I'm crying, I get myself upset. I've began to second guess myself, what if it is me?
I've apologised today saying 'I'm really sorry if there's anything I've done today to upset you or make things tense' just to try and soften the atmosphere. I just want a happy environment. I just want everyone to be happy. My kids love him so much they'd hate me if we or he left

It's not you. Your kids would adapt and he can still be a father without be allowed to abuse you.
Don't make excuses for him. This is not a healthy environment for your children or you.

He is abusing you, plain and simple. Yes the kids love him, and yes they would find it hard if you separate but they are clearly VERY young so don't yet understand what he's doing to you. Please don't let them grow up thinking this is normal behaviour as there is a good chance they may grow up to be the same. Would you want your son to treat a wife like this?

He is not a wonderful man. He is not a great dad if he is capable of treating their mother like this. He is an abuser and I think you know this. I have been in two such relationships, the last one almost killed me.
For your sake and your children's, I really think you need to find the way to leave. He as no respect for you and it's only going to get worse.
Please take care and keep us posted. 💙

You have a choice still re this man but your children do not. They have to follow your lead.

Womens Aid are an organisation you need to contact asap as well as the Rights of Women. You need to get away from him and asap before he really does bring you to the point of having a nervous breakdown. These organisations can and will also help you here.

Its not you who is crazy here, its him making you feel so and this type of emotional abuse is highly damaging to you and all those who witness it.

Children love parents anyway no matter how abusive a parent, in this case their dad, is. Don't stay within this for the kids; they are not going to say thanks mum to you for staying with him and will wonder why you were so weak and put him before them thus damaging your own relationship with them. Growing up in such a toxic environment as well particularly if you stay will harm them in all sorts of ways even into adulthood.

He is indeed neither a wonderful man nor anything like a decent father to his children. Decent fathers for a start do not constantly gaslight their wife, the person after all whom he is supposed to love.

0808 2000 247 is the number for Womens Aid.

*Has!

My ex was like this his second ex told me she thought he was bi-polar. you shouldn’t have to live that way.

Are you willing to leave him, with the help of an organisation such as Women's Aid, and live on benefits until your children are old enough for you to work?
Do you have family who could help with childcare, or accommodation, so that you can work?
If the answer to both is no, then you are stuck and he won't change.
Are you married?

I see you are married. What assets do you have as a family? See a solicitor for advice on getting a divorce.

Thanks everyone I really appreciate your messages.
All was well when he came back in and then the snide comments began. I was stripping the beds, he came through and said 'you're changing the beds again' I responded 'yeah, I do them ever sunday' he respondes 'ha, that's news to me' and walked out. I feel sometimes he wants me to chase him out for an argument. Which I have done sometimes. And then it's on me.
I'm just so fed up, he wasn't this person when we met. It's only been in recent years this has started.

I've had this. Don't waste any more of your head space on it. Took me years to work out how he was messing with my mind

I was a sahm and dependent on him . Bit actually I wasn't,. I wish I'd left him 8 years ago. Don't be me. You're married, he has to split his assets and pay you child maintenance etc. On top of that if you get a job you'll get about £600 tax credits with two kids etc so find out what you'd be entitled to and you be surprised how easy living without him would be.

Well you can't go on like this.
Abuse should never be tolerated.
He's an abuser and this affects you and your DC.
Contact Womens Aid today and get their help with an exit plan.
You can get away.
You can survive without him.
Do you have family or friends who would help support you through this?

You don't have to live in such misery and with such abuse. Please call Women's Aid, they will help you. I did and it's the first step to a better life. You can get advise about finances, you will be eligible for lots of benefits as a single parent, can apply for child maintenance and can make it work until you are in a stronger and better position to get a job etc. They help thousands of women like you and it can and does work. Good luck

Its actually easier and best to leave when dc are small.I know its tough to realise that your marriage maybe over but once you realise you deserve better it gets easier.I left when I realised it was becoming obvious to dc.

Start researching benefits you would receive and if you know his salary you can look at CMS.You can live away from him.

Its likely that he feeds off your emotions, negative or positive.Its not actually about you but what is in his head.You can't change him as its deeply ingrained.Did he have an abusive childhood?

Start by reading books.The Lundy book was posted here a few days ago and I also recomnend The Verbally Abusive relationship by Patricia Evans.

I am sad to say it only gets worse, never better.Its only when I separated from ex did I realise how disordered he was, most likely NPD.Ex had the Jekyll and Hyde personality and sadly he now behaves similarly to the dc.However because they see "normal" with me they have a chance to develop healthier relationships.