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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex making excuses not to see daughter

15 replies

bluewoolcardi · 13/05/2018 16:35

NC for this just in case -sorry if this is long. Just have no idea what to do.

My ex made my pregnancy an absolute nightmare. He was absolutely horrible and I spent pretty much the entire 9 months crying over stuff he had done. If I tried to go NC with him he'd tell people I was stopping him from having contact with the baby and his (very wealthy) parents said they would supply him with a fantastic solicitor so he would get full custody of our child or at least unsupervised contact. I was desperate for this not to happen and so I kept contact with him (as amicable as possible) and we arranged when he could see her etc.

So it was 3 times a week and then either a Saturday or a Sunday. That was all fine and sorted and she was born but low and behold - he constantly makes excuses to change days, or not come or to leave early. has never seen the baby on a weekend (just doesn't show up and then normally comes up with a weird excuse)

What am I supposed to do? I want to go mental at him and say no more contact because I cba. Waiting in all day for him for him to just not show up. but I don't want him to take me to court because he absolutely cannot look after this child by himself. He's just not capable. I've even offered him to see the baby with someone else there instead of me (his mum or something) and it's refused. He says he likes spending time all together ??? (I try and make myself as scarce as I can when he is round -by that I mean I go in the room next door and sort washing or something and nip in every 10 mins or so)

But anyway wtf do I do? I'm sick of him and his BS excuses. I wish he'd just F off. He basically just comes round to take pictures of the baby for instagram then leaves whilst I'm left looking after the baby and providing everything for her (he doesn't have to pay maintenance because he is a student) but he can however afford car parts and expensive meals out with his new partner :)

Rant over- advice sooo appreciated

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 13/05/2018 16:39

Is he on the bc?

bluewoolcardi · 13/05/2018 16:41

@Aprilmightbemynewname

No I made sure to leave him off

OP posts:
AllStar14 · 13/05/2018 16:52

Why is his contact with the baby always at your house? He is being a controlling knobhead saying you have to be there. He can take the baby out can't he? Are you bf?

Sisterlove · 13/05/2018 16:54

This is the kind of man you just wish would disappear.

I'd tell him from now on that if he hasn't shown up within 15 minutes and called you, you won't be in waiting for him.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 13/05/2018 16:55

You tell him dc is available when is suitable for you - ie Fri 4-7. If he doesn't show you don't offer alternative options. Let him take you to court.

Keep a diary of everything so far.

HerRoyalNotness · 13/05/2018 16:55

Tell him to arrive at x time, give me 15mins leeway and if he doesn’t turn up, to about your day. Don’t sit waiting for him. Don’t let them use the threat of residency to scare you, keep a diary of his uselessness, he’s unlikely to get it.!

bluewoolcardi · 13/05/2018 16:56

@AllStar14 I don't trust him alone with her - when I first got pregnant he constantly told me he wished I would miscarry, that he hated the baby. He's got awful friends he'd introduce the baby to, he doesn't know how to change a baby, doesnt know how to feed a baby without help (I bf but expressed so he could feed her but he was more interested in his phone so bottle kept falling out of babies mouth) etc etc etc

OP posts:
AllStar14 · 13/05/2018 17:00

I see, he sounds awful I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Agree with PP then, give him times that suit you and go out (or pretend to!) if he's late.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 13/05/2018 17:03

He doesn’t turn up? His loss. Agree with allowing fifteen minutes and then getting on with your day. If he gets in touch ranting about you not being there remind him that he was due at x time and didn’t show. Do it all via text.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 13/05/2018 17:05

And start telling him you’re not available when he asks to see baby. Make plans and get on with your life. He can’t expect you to be available all the time when it suits him.

HollowTalk · 13/05/2018 17:13

He's sounds an absolute disgrace. And here's another one saying he's going for "full custody"! Where the hell do these idiots learn how to be like this?

Does anyone know whether it would be possible to go to a contact centre? I wouldn't want him coming to my house. I wouldn't want my child to be alone with him, either. What the hell are the alternatives?

category12 · 13/05/2018 17:22

Keep a diary of all the missed contacts, and let him take you to court. He's not going to be able to take your dc away, however rich his parents are. He has his set visit times, if he's not there on time, go out.

Thingsdogetbetter · 13/05/2018 17:22

Make sure all arrangements are made by text or emails as evidence for court. Include all attempts to get him to see baby with his mum and not you etc. Then keep a diary of when he does or doesn't turn up. Again for court. Like pp say if he's 15 minutes late and hasn't contacted to say running late, you go out. Again keep diary.

Doesn't matter how good his lawyer is, no judge is going to award custody or unsupervised to a man who can't change a nappy and is clearly not interested in seeing the baby without you. I doubt he'd bother going to court anyway, sounds like he's just using the treat to keep you in line! Ring women's aid or cab for advice.

Starlight2345 · 13/05/2018 17:24

I agree set times he misses contact then out you go.

He is playing games.

Don’t chase him . Also document every time he fails to turn up

Sisterlove · 13/05/2018 17:34

Make all contact arrangements in writing. When he doesn't turn up and you've allowed the 15 minutes and done your iwn thing, send a text saying you were due to see DD at X time and didn't turn up.

For your evidence, ask him to text you with a suitable date/time.

Once the date is confirmed, if he doesn't show after 15 minutes, text and say he didn't show. Don't ask for another date.

Don't ask when he wants to see her again. Let him contact you. Don't reply to his calls.

If he does suggest a time, you can agree it and add "You need to learn how to change a nappy. I'll show you again"

Don't be chasing him and if he turns up late I wouldn't even open the door.

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