Feeling like I’ll never meet anyone

[MeghanSparkle]

I’m going to be 34 next month... I’ve been online dating for almost three years (have had three three-month relationships and one nine-month relationship during this time) but it’s beginning to really get me down

The last guy finished me with a version of ‘It’s not you it’s me’ a month ago and I’m struggling to bounce back this time. I do seem to be able to find dates OK at the moment but either I don’t like them or they don’t like me long term. I don’t think I’m overly picky and as far as I can tell I don’t do anything that would especially put them off. I’ve had extensive counselling over the years so I think on the whole I have healthy boundaries, communication etc.

I know online dating possibly isn’t the best place to meet people but I’d really love to have a family so I’ve been putting lots of energy into my career so that if I don’t meet anyone I might still have the option of donor conception in the future. I’ve also been saving towards this e.g. for maternity leave and childcare on a single wage... both of these mean I really don’t have the time/ energy/ money to extensively pursue the kind of hobbies where I might meet someone.

I don’t really have a question, I’m going to see about going back to counselling tomorrow as it’s making me feel so sad.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have had four relationships in the span of three years, that sounds exhausting. I am just thinking are you coming across as desperate? Or are you lowering your standards?

From my understanding, modern dating is mainly done online, so don't be so hard on yourself about doing hobbies to meet someone offline. If they are single they are most likely online dating in any case.

Sorry I don't have any solution for you, except to take it easy and enjoy life, whether or not you end up falling in love and getting married, you want to look back on your 30s and think you had a lot of fun and lived a great life rather than gone through angst of having to meet someone and the years passed you by.

Thank you for your very kind reply @anaviasalamanca

I don’t think I come across as desperate, I’m clear I’m looking to date in the hope of something long term developing. I don’t go on a date with just anyone, talk about settling down straight away or want to see them all the time. I don’t think I’ve been lowering my standards either; I’m clear I would like to meet someone kind and clever who I get on with and find attractive.

I suffer with anxiety and did wonder if that was scaring them off somehow (it’s well controlled so I’ve not spoken to any dates about it really)... I asked the last guy who finished with me if that was a factor and he said not; he’d decided he was ‘too busy’ for a relationship (another said the same and a third said he had too much on at work) and the other said he’d expect to have been in love with me after nine months and he wasn’t!

I feel your pain. it's as though every guy has somethi g wring iykwim. All strange when you scratch the surface. It really isn't you.

Thanks @Hennatattoo I’m not unrealistic or looking for perfection (nowhere near perfect myself!) just want to meet someone decent where there’s mutual attraction and they don’t dump me after three months because they’re ‘too busy’.

I think you were probably more keen on the guys than they were on you. And unfortunately, by what they said to you as a reason to part, you may come across as too needy of them and their time ....see my thread about needy man !

My advice, go and be the wonderful person that you are, all by yourself. Fall in love with yourself, like yourself, hang out with yourself. Do the donor thing. Don’t let being ( currently ) single stop you. Life is not a waiting game. Every second matters

My one piece of advice is live for today! Please stop scrimping and saving and keeping busy saving for a projected as yet mythical single motherhood..and go out and get hobbies and interests that .make you a more rounded person, regardless of whether you meet someone there or not. You seem to have decided what the future holds so perhaps you are subconsciously projecting this in your relationships.

Thank you for the further replies... I checked out the thread about the needy man and I’m definitely not that bed! It could be you’re right though and what I see as having good boundaries (e.g. expecting to see them regularly, keep in touch etc) they are seeing as needy of them and their time. I try to be assertive in my communication i.e. to not be a doormat, which they could perceive as needy I suppose.

I do also live for today while thinking of the future! I can see what you’re saying about living your life onemansoapopera and I do that as much as possible, I didn’t mean that I never do anything outside work more that I don’t have two evenings and a day at the weekend to get involved with a cycling club or similar! However I think the broader thing about feeling negative about the future could well be true... I’ve booked to go for some counselling so hopefully they will be able to help with that.

Try and stay positive, my two Singleton friends have finally met people via online and also Meetup groups. Yes they are a bit older now than you but the men seem lovely and decent. Those I know who met people earlier are now separated. If I could tell my younger self, I’d say it’s so important to value yourself and have good self esteem and you’ll be ok. Try one meetup group occasionally.

I think in your circumstances, meet up groups are a good idea. It’s not a commitment then, you can just go to the ones that appeal to you, when you have time. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing that your saving to potentially have a child alone. We don’t all meet “the one” and it’s unrealistic (and I always feel, a bit patronising) when people say “you’ll meet someone” when they can’t possibly know that!

It’s hard because ideally we shouldn’t enter into a relationship with the hope that it ends in marriage, kids etc but when you’re looking for that, how can you not hope? We can’t change the fact that women’s fertility decreases with age.

I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with you not wanting to be a doormat! You sound like you have good strong boundaries and you shouldn’t lower your expectations.