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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not coping with my DH's drinking

11 replies

manicmama · 17/05/2007 11:14

My DH and I have just had DS3. DS3 is 4 weeks old. DH's drinking has been an issue for a long time. He is out pretty much every week night "marketing" (ie going drinking with clients.) I am now finding his drinking impossible to deal with.

In the last month, since DS3 was born, DH has continued to go out marketing most nights. He is never home before midnight. On at least 4 occasions he has gone on such a bender that he has passed out on the sofa.

The night before last there was a power cut. I was feeding DS3 and noticed a problem with the electricity so went downstairs to try the fuse. I found DH out cold on the sofa with a lit candle next to him balanced on a pile of lego. I feel lucky to have come across him because the candle was a fire hazard. In my eyes he was putting his family at risk.

I have asked DH to have an alcohol free month but he will not even contemplate trying this. He just says he will cut back his drinking.

After a serious chat last night I thought DH might take my comments on board. However, DH announced he is going off to play footie with his mates tonight which is always followed by drinks in the pub.

I have 3 young children to look after and I don't know if I can take much more.

Support/help needed.

OP posts:
macneice · 17/05/2007 11:17

Why should he fertilize your eggs and carry on with a single professional life?

do you have a life?

nearlythere · 17/05/2007 11:17

is there another family member that you can ask for help? when my dh was an alcoholic and i'd had enough, his mum and sister helped me out- sil took him to stay with her away from the family home and his mates and dried him out, made him see what he stood to lose etc!

worked amazingly, he's been dry for 5 years, BUT the person has to WANT to change

manicmama · 17/05/2007 11:20

My DH does not think he has a problem. He thinks I exaggerate things.

In effect I am a single Mum because my DH is only ever around to help at the weekends. Often he is then tired and depressed from drinking.

OP posts:
macneice · 17/05/2007 11:22

I wouldn't put up with it

nearlythere · 17/05/2007 11:22

thats exactly the problem we had, dh thought that he didn't have a problem, it was blatantly obvious to the rest of us that he did!
he does need to see what he could be losing- could you go and stay somewhereb with family for a while and leave him on his own!

unfortunatly shock tactics seem to be the only way to get the message through!

manicmama · 17/05/2007 11:30

I am beginning to think the only way he is going to realise he has a problem is to leave him for a bit.

I just don't know how to do this because my eldest are in school and I don't have any family nearby.

OP posts:
nearlythere · 17/05/2007 12:02

are there any support groups nearly- eg prism, or a social care society, they can be very good at this sort of thing- OR send HIM away to family, they will probobly not put up with the drinking and will deffo tell him what they think of his actions- and if they see it with their own eyes they cannot blame you for it, and will tell him that you aren't exaggerating!

rabbleraiser · 17/05/2007 12:06

Poor MM. This is a mess for you .. you must be tired, fed up and lonely.

Does your dh drink a lot at home or is this all 'social' drinking?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/05/2007 13:17

Manicmama,

I think you need support for your own self and Al-anon is a good place to start with regards to getting this. They are very good at working with families of problem drinkers.
I would seriously consider speaking to them.

It sounds like he is in denial regarding the extent of his alcohol problem/alcoholism. I note as well that you say he is tired and depressed from drinking - alcohol acts as a depressent.

Re your comment:-
"I am beginning to think the only way he is going to realise he has a problem is to leave him for a bit".

I don't think you should be the one to leave the family home - he should.

Your main priorities are now your good self and that of your children as well - growing up in a household where alcoholism is there does these children no favours at all. They will be aware that Daddy is drunk again. Does not do you any good either seeing all this going on in front of you.

If he does not think he has a problem you cannot help him see this. He has to want to see for himself he has a problem and work on these issues. He will have to reach his own rock bottom and lose everything - his family and job to name but two and even then there are no guarantees he will stop drinking.

Are his parents aware of the state of his drinking?.

How long has his drinking been a problem?.

I will put up the website of Al-anon for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/05/2007 13:19

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

Seek support and keep posting.

manicmama · 17/05/2007 17:05

Thanks for the support and al anon link. Will check it out.

Feeling rather overwhelmed at the mo and DH is now being supernice which is making me feel bad.

Got to go and look after the kids now.

OP posts:
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