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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it possible to let go of resentment ?

21 replies

Gibraltarlady · 13/05/2018 09:28

I have been with my dh 17 years, married 14. I love him, he loves me, we have most of the time a good relationship. I consider us a team, we make laugh each other, good sex life etc...
However there is an issue that keeps rearing its ugly head from time to time. I resent him for not advancing in his career and earning more money when he would (8 years ago). He has been in the same job for the last 20 years. I'm resentful because 8 years ago I left a job I loved to take on another job that was better for fitting around the family and earning pretty good money. The idea was that I was going to do it for some times until he was going to get the new job. It never happened, he didn't have a single interview. I have felt really let down and I reacted really horribly from time to time and said horrible things. These moments happened because he said something that triggered the anger, or I had a bad day at work, or I was tired....you get it, I'm in a really shitty pattern.

Things today are good, I'm still in the same job I have started 8 years ago, I'm trying very hard and I'm enjoying it, I'm also earning very well. We are in a good place but I know I have to do to something to help me let it go because when I'm in that horrible state of mind things are not good between us. I'm trying to find a counsellor and I'm reading a lot on the subject. I'd like to hear from other people who have been through something similar ! To give me hope

OP posts:

CountTessa · 13/05/2018 10:05

Do you enjoy your job? Do you want to go back to the one you had 8 years ago? See, I'd be tempted to think, now it's time for me to do what I want career wise as he's clearly not interested, and has had ample time to do something about it.

Original poster

Gibraltarlady · 13/05/2018 10:09

I’m ok with my job, it’s going smoothly at the moment but I told him 2 more years until the kids are at secondary school then that’s it. In a ideal world, I would like to work with charities. Thank you for not judging me badly !

OP posts:

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 13/05/2018 10:21

He'd be wise to be making other plans given your views on him.

You do realise it's not 1950 anymore and women work as well as men. If my DH turned around and said work harder, get a promotion etc as I don't want to work or want to contribute far less he'd have his bags packed for him.

As long as he can meet his half of the bills then his job shouldn't matter. He certainly doesn't have to earn to suit you so that you can do as you please,

Original poster

Gibraltarlady · 13/05/2018 10:30

It’s not as simple as that. I wish it was. We live in an expensive area and we have an expensive rent. We both want to stay living here as the kids love it here and it’s safe. We both need to maximise our earnings. I have loads of pressure on me plus I’m in charge of 100 % of the childcare and the majority of the running of the house.

OP posts:

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 13/05/2018 10:34

So is he not meeting his half then?

If you both need to maximise earnings that why the plan to quit cpyour current job in two years? That doesn't sound like you are planning to move for the better.

JennyHolzersGhost · 13/05/2018 10:41

So hang on a sec, the full story here is that you left a job you loved and took a different one to work around the kids and you took on most of the housework and all the childcare as part of that deal; his part of the deal was to focus 100% on work and maximising his earnings, with you covering the home front to free him up to do so - ?
And instead he has just continued to do his old job while you’re run ragged covering both home and work issues - ?
If I’ve got that right then I’d be reallocating the division of domestic responsibilities sharpish.

Original poster

Gibraltarlady · 13/05/2018 10:45

Well maybe I want a less pressured job ? As long as I meet just my half of the bills why not ? I’d like a break of the stress and pressure - I’m not after a more luxurious life just less stress and pressure !

OP posts:

Original poster

Gibraltarlady · 13/05/2018 10:45

Yes Jenny you got that right

OP posts:

Original poster

Gibraltarlady · 13/05/2018 10:49

I sort of came to the conclusion that nothing is going to change so I’m trying my best at making my job easier and enjoyable and I’m being successful so far. However I know that one day he will say something that triggered the resentment or maybe I’ll a shitty day so the ruminating will start.

OP posts:

JennyHolzersGhost · 13/05/2018 10:51

Righteo well it sounds like you’ve got a longer term plan to get your career back on track so for the next couple of years you need to focus on him pulling his weight around the house and freeing up some of your time to have a life of your own.
What’s the best way of doing that ? Can he take on kids’ activities, cooking dinner, food laundry, prepping lunches for the next day etc on some weekday evenings for example ? Where are your biggest pressure points and what could he do to step in ?

JennyHolzersGhost · 13/05/2018 10:53

Also can you look at the finances and cut back on his budgeted spending ? If he won’t earn more and you’re facing financial pressures then he’ll have to cut his cloth to match.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 13/05/2018 10:55

Then find something you want to do that still enables you to fulfill your share of the financial obligations.

You haven't said he's not meeting his half so presumably does so he doesn't have to make up the shortfall by moving into a job he dislikes because you don't want to meet your share.

The parenting and household stuff should be shared but obviously that depends on working hours. If you are around more, then more will naturally fall to you. If you work the same hours he needs to step up and do his half.

You sound very resentful of having to work and help with the household income yet wanted children and to live in an expensive area so have to accept that you are a grown up with responsibilities and working is what you need to do.

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2018 10:59

Ok the question here is why has he not?

Wanting to move up thr career ladder and being able to and very different things.

Was the new job with the same company? Did he have to apply externally?

MumUndone · 13/05/2018 11:47

I get it OP. I have a similar sort of resentment in that I went back to work full-time a couple of years ago so that our combined earnings would be enough to get a mortgage on a bigger property; before that I was working 3 days per week, which allowed me to spend time with DS and also take on lion's share of housework. I don't enjoy what I do for a living, it was just about bearable part-time, but in order to achieve what we wanted I had to go back to full-time work. I hate my job, it's very stressful etc., but I have increased my earnings by £13k per annum just in the 2 years I've been working full-time and now I out-earn DH so feel I'm stuck. There are good reasons for him staying in his current job, and he has had promotions in the last 10 years, but I feel he could do more, and earn more, which would ultimately be better for our family and yes, allow me to reduce the stress and pressure in my life.

Quartz2208 · 13/05/2018 12:17

You need a reordering of responsibilities talk to him he sounds useless

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2018 14:06

I think thr problem is sometimes people can't do more or earn more. Be it through lack of ability, average job performance, lack of confidence, whatever.

I work for a very large corporation. Many of our staff will never be promoted. Many if they went to another company would be in the same boat. But many of their spouses can't see it and don't understand it.

Be it lack of communication skills, doing the min to get by, not being proactive, unable to take a leadership position, being stuck in the weeds and can't see the bigger picture,unable to listen to others, never going above and beyond. Sometimes people are reasonably good at what they do, but will never stand out as the lead candidate for the next promotion.

So talking a good talk at home, or having a partner who loves you and thinks your capable of more is irrelevant, Becayse that partner doesn't seem them at work.

No one wants to think their spouse is just a bit average and will never achieve more. But on the flip side, it's not right to blame or resent them for it.

If they are not doing or earning more, you need to think maybe it's because they can't.

Original poster

Gibraltarlady · 13/05/2018 14:36

I think he lacks confidence, he is very clever, he is hard working, great organisation skills. I don't think as him as average but when I'm stressed I can't be rational. So the problem is more me than him. Things are never going to change so I want to stop having moment when I feel hopeless. Things are great if you take this issue out of the equation.

So yes in 2 years I'll change job - will earning to pay the bills plus a bit extra and that will be it.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2018 14:39

Ok, but you must understand you thinking he is very clever, great org skills etc, doesn't mean his managers do. I'm sorry, but I see it time and time again. It's fantastic to think your husband is capable of so much, that's love for you...but very often it's not based in reality.

Original poster

Gibraltarlady · 13/05/2018 14:52

He is working in a small company and quite high up but its a small company. Blunt I also agree with you. This thread is really helping me.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 13/05/2018 15:04

Why can’t things change? He sounds perfectly capable of shouldering more

shammy1b · 13/05/2018 15:27

My partner in same position..i nag and feel like im belittling him but from what he tells me he is brill..like some say what he tells you and what the bosses see are 2 different pages of the same book..i wish mine would pipe up though like i do at work but not everyone is the same or has little yo lose to play there mouth and ask for a rise or to be bold and try for another position..with what we read tiday about businesses too i would probably in all fairness be a bit touchy about asking for payrise or even thinking about trying for another role...i do know how you feel though hun..please do not take it out on him cause end of day a jobs a job xx

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