When did you know the time was right to leave?

[Blushlove]

Just that really, there's a massive backstory - too long to type and too boring to read but the short version is:

Amazing relationship, planned a baby, got engaged found out I was pregnant and then major nosedive for DP.

He was horrible to me during and after pregnancy, when I spoke to the midwife and Heath Visitor they both instantly said it sounded like emotional abuse which it very much felt like. He puts it all down to stress and he did have counselling to make himself feel better rather than his behaviour towards me.

I've tried so hard and put up with so much but he invalidates my feelings towards everything that happened and can't understand why I still feel resentment, he's not as bad these days but nothing like the man I knew before. He can be so cold and hurtful.

Our DS is nearly 18 months and it absolutely breaks my heart to think I'm at the point of leaving and him having his family split. DP is now great with DS and just as involved with him so he would want 50/50 custody which is only fair for DS but still kills me a bit inside thinking I would also be walking away from full time with my baby.

I'm so sorry that the short version is actually long but I'm just so stuck with what to do, any similar stories with success out there?

Abusers often show their true colours during or after pregnancy and birth. He is both cold and hurtful towards you. The fact too that he cites stress as a reason to abuse you also is telling; it is also refusing to accept any responsibility for his own actions. Counselling for him would also have and has had no effect here; he would need years of therapy in any case and such men do not change. This is who he really is. You're leaving or planning to do so because of his behaviours towards you.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships here?. Would you want him to treat the lady in his life like you have been. No you would not.

Would not assume he would want or actually receive 50/50 custody here. You are this child's primary carer. He is not thinking of his son either at all if he can and does treat you as his mother so very badly here.

Womens Aid are well worth contacting and they can help you further here as would the Rights of Women organisation.

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat

I don't want my child to think this is normal, that's another main reason for leaving aswell. It feels difficult because he is a lot better than he was, he has made progress but I just don't think he will ever progress enough to be the partner he once was.

It would be much harder for your DS if you leave when he is older. At the moment he won’t understand what happened and will grow feeling like it’s normal that you and the father are not together. My DD is 7 and it hurts like hell knowing she will get the full impact of a split.

Leaving is never easy but its far better than staying in your circumstances. I also think that the man that you thought he was is not that person purely because he never existed. It was simply an act on his part designed to draw you in.

You will get that light bulb moment, if you haven't already had it. All of a sudden you will know that you have made your decision.

It's painful to give up your dream of a happy family. But please don't stay for something that is not there. You can still be a happy family, just not together.

Before I say this, I want you to know I’m absolutely not trying to justify it or make you question whether your partner’s behaviour was reasonable. Clearly it wasn’t from what you say.

However you indicate that he’s much better now and that the main issue for you now is the resentment you feel because he invalidates your feelings around what happened. Perhaps he’s ashamed of what happened and wants to minimise it because it makes him look like a dick? And thinks that putting it behind him and behaving normally now will make up for stuff that happened in the past and you can move on?
Again, not saying this is right. But wonder if it might it be helped by counselling together?

My friend’s partner has suffered from bouts of depression on and off through his life. He was an arse through her pregnancy - it was an accidental pregnancy, he was freaked out by it, and he’s not a talker so he just pretended it wasn’t happening, didn’t go to scans with her, wouldn’t talk about names or make plans for the nursery etc. Tbh I wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d left then. Again, he’s much better since the baby was born and LOVES his son.

I don’t think what he did was right, but people are complex and weird and sometimes behave like dicks. And relationships and life are really tough. It’s easy to say “just leave” but when there is a baby, there’s no “just” about leaving.