On holiday and at my wits end..

[ISpentTheDayInBed]

I'm now starting the second phase of what others think is a dream holiday. We have just over two weeks to go. I am lying on the bed in my hotel room, drinking wine, after leaving H as he complained yet again about what a rotten time he was having and how awful travelling is.

Let me start by saying that this holiday was his idea. He has recovered from a life threatening illness and has decided that he would like to do some traveling and enjoy himself. The problem is is that he is completely unable of doing that. I have wondered in the past if he is on the spectrum, for a range of other reasons, or if he is just being difficult and gets a kick from it. He sometimes says he is autistic... but it's in a jokingly way and he's never had a diagnosis.

He was a complete stranger on Thursday, blamed it on jet lag, was ok yesterday and earlier today, but later a completely self indulgent moaning bastard,which is when I turned around and left him.

We have plenty of money put aside for this holiday so that's not an issue, he seems determined to not want to enjoy himself. We've been away for the best part of a week and apart for one Breakfast not had a single meal out. He thinks this is ok and happy to eat nuts and bought sandwiches.

I've looked into getting an early flight home but far too expensive so just going to have to male the best of it. What really pisses me off though is when I'm messaging our daughter and she's asking if we're having a good time, he doesn't want me to tell her that he's being a dick.

I'm going to make the most of this now as unlikely I am ever going to come back. We're going to be traveling for the next couple of weeks but I am happy to go off and do my own thing.

What upsets me most is that he seems to have no joy in his life and that is sad

I had a second upset tonight. We were given a voucher for a drink the very expensive hotel bar for today only. After leaving H came back to hotel and decided to get free drink, planning to get another. The very rude waiter said the voucher wouldn't cover a a g&t. It would. I said fine, i wasn't bothered, so leave it. He then insisted I had the drink and gave me a g&t and water!!!! Which I left.

Apologies for my self indulgent moan. I am so pissed off that I have given up three weeks of my leave for this nonsense. I can cope with his oddness usually but this is too much

The drink bit was meant to be lighthearted btw but probably didn't come across as such. I wasn't bothered by the the drink but a bit pissed off with the go and water!

try to make the most of it on your own. he is a depressed man.

I've been there and it's a right mare.
One tip: don't count the days down, just fifteen days to go, just fourteen days to go.....do your own thing and suck as much fun out of it as you can.

Some people just aren't happy.

Will never be happy

Will suck the joy out of everyone and everything

Why are you with him?

Thanks Bluebell. I think that or spectrum. He has been like this as long as I have known him, but got so much worse. Going to get on without him. I've got a plan of what I would like to see tomorrow 😀

The first day or two of a holiday is always difficult. After that you settle in and begin to enjoy yourself. Do a big of research and find out about the local attractions, then tell him what's on the agenda for tomorrow. If he doesn't want to do it, go on your own. You'll soon find people to talk to and chum up with. He can stay in the hotel, eat his sandwiches and sulk

GreenTulips. I am really beginning to wonder why. We have been to some great places and he has sucked the joy, but when our daughter asks he doesn't want me to tell her that he's not enjoying it. I don't think in his case it's a control thing he says he's ashamed that he can't enjoy things like other people do

Anyway I can accept that, but what I won't put up with is being a completely self indulgent arse and bullying me. Going to
Make the best of it or else the next 14 days going to seem forever

Sounds very draining OP. And upsetting.

But I think you need to do what you seem to be planning: make the best of it for YOU. Get out there. Chat to people in bars. Go on an adventure. You can’t make him enjoy it. You can stop him ruining your time too.

Good luck!

Thanks all. I'm going to go ahead and do my own thing as far as I can. I think he will be happier with that. I am very annoyed with his behaviour still though. I would have been happy for him to go on this holiday on his own, in fact he usually does, but he asked me to come on this and has been so mean

Why should you hide from your daughter the fact that her Df is not enjoying the trip so much being a complete pain in the arse?
This sounds like a trip of a lifetime, I would enjoy it as much as you can.
As others have mentioned, make plans for following day and go ahead without him if he's being a pain.
And go out for lovely lunches on your own, take a book and have some decent food.

The voucher drink thing, I can't get my head round. You say that you have plenty of money for the trip, so sod the vouchers! Go into the bar and buy yourself a g & t fgs! Or a bloody bottle of Champers if you want!
What an arse! I'd be furious!

I'd love a holiday I could do my own thing. Get on some trips. You say he's been a pain since you met him so this is not a huge surprise. Don't waste 3 weeks whining.

Buffyone. I never hide anything from our daughter. She loves her dad but she understands he's a funny old thing. Or not so old! The drink thing was lighthearted. I wasn't that bothered about it. I did buy myself a nice bottle of wine from a store nearby beforehand. Was bit annoyed by the bar person though

I'm a bit like this on holiday ( hopefully not as bad as your dh ! ). I always think holidays sound great and look forward to going but then I get there and just want to be home. I genuinely feel depressed on holiday, possibly too much time to think! Hence we only have one weekend away booked this year !

Pods. Definitely not going to do. Sometimes you need to vent though. Going to get on with it now!

Babyroobs. Well you have have self awareness. We haven't had a holiday together for 13 years plus. There's obviously a good reason for that!

It is very common for people to have recovered from a life threatening illness only to be hit by depression. If he is on the spectrum the depression causes those behaviours to become exacerbated. Perhaps when you get back he could seek some help? Counselling will help a lot as would a diagnosis of depression and of what sounds like mild autism, maybe what used to be called Aspergers. If that's the case, he would benefit from family support and possibly medication. Sounds as though his coping mechanisms might not be working too well outside of own environment.

Let me start by saying that this holiday was his idea. He has recovered from a life threatening illness and has decided that he would like to do some traveling and enjoy himself

That's a big step for him and you must both be overjoyed that his health has returned. It must have been a very difficult time whilst he was ill and perhaps he needs to adjust to being well again.
Do you think he may have 'survivor guilt' about his illness?

he says he's ashamed that he can't enjoy things like other people do
He shouldn't be ashamed though, he must know what he does enjoy doing, even if that's different to most peoples' experiences.

What does he enjoy? You've been together a long time, you can help him out with that, you have money for holiday spends so is there an event or a trip from wherever you are staying that in theory he should enjoy? Book him on it. It's up to you if you want to share that with him or if you think he'll be better off going with strangers because then he can't moan to you all day about it and he will have to attempt to have a good time in front of the strangers which in turn may actually turn into reality for him.

When you were planning the holiday, what was he most looking forward to doing?

Does he like things being organised for him like trips to local attractions, set times for meals, is he just all at sea because there is no structure to his days? If so that's easily sorted. Make him a timetable of things to see and do, not forgetting downtime for him to re-charge and only join in with things on his timetable that also interest you.

I think he's probably physically healed but his emotional and mental processes need a bit of time to catch up.

How old is he? Some people change, get grumpy and awful as they age...so did he a,ways have this streak?