Should I leave or try sticking it out?

[Abiamber]

I have been married for 32 years and have 2 DD’s aged 19 and 15. Older one is at uni. My relationship with DH is not good and hasn’t been for a long while. He is a very negative and angry person. Always seeing the worst outcome in everything and totally obsessed with saving money. He gets on well with older DD but him and younger Dd practically hate each other. Younger DD is difficult and always has been. She is defiant, badly underachieving at school and an absolute pain in the arse most of the time. However, because he is so negative and always down on her I over compensate so now she walks all over me and alternates between being wonderful and caring to being rude and very disrespectful. In my dreams I imagine living on my own and getting my life back instead of being stuck in the middle of their war. DD15 wants me and her to leave and live on our own. This would remove a lot of the conflict and she says she is only so horrible because she is so unhappy. If it was just the two of us she would be nice! As well as behaviour concerns she also has ocd which puts further stress in our lives. We never go out as a family. She won’t go out with her dad. She won’t let me go out and leave her ‘with him ‘ so I feel like a prisoner at times or her 24/7 personal slave. She never comes out of her room at home. All meals are ordered by texting me and then I deliver a cooked meal to her room usually followed by criticism over my shit cooking. Want to leave but how can I leave them together and if I take her with me will I just be more of her personal slave with no support. I have no family or friends I can stay with for a bit of a break so it’s either leave or stay. No trial run. When my daughter isn’t around like when she went on a 5 day school trip DH and I just about get along but I really don’t like being with such a negative person. I am 56 he is 66. Should I really give up on this and make a new life with/without my daughter. I know I don’t want things to stay as they are but getting out of a 32 year marriage is such a massive step. Any advice welcome.

I think you need to deal with your daughters behaviour. She shouldn't be treating you like this.

Do you still love your husband? I didn't get the impression that you do. If you don't enjoy spending time with him then it may be better to leave.

Sounds like a miserable situation all around!

Why won’t your DD be left alone with him? Honestly I can’t see what there is to stay for. It might be worth looking into some family therapy for you and your daughters so you can all share how you’ve been feeling. You might benefit from some assertiveness training too?

I’d get organised to set up on your own but make it very clear to your DD that her behaviour is unacceptable, that rules will be established (together) and she will adhere to them. It’s no okay to lash out at people, even if you are miserable.

FWIW my parents were similar to this but in reverse. I got frustrated that my Dad never stood up to my Mum - for himself or for us. I wonder if that’s partly why she’s so angry?

"DD15 wants me and her to leave and live on our own."

I've never heard of a child wanting to break up her parent's marriage before. Clearly people are very unhappy all round and it must feel like you've had your fill of it.

It seems that you have two separate issues that are being merged.

1. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with your husband? Just the two of you, after the kids have gone.

1. The relatively short-term issue (though it could take a decade!) of the relationship with your daughter.

I have no answers but wish you well. You're clearly going through the mill right now.

Good luck.

I would focus on hour daughter first as she is your responsibility.

Each child is different and she maybe desperately unhappy.I was told rebellion in teens is often depression.

There seems to be a toxic dynamic between you 3 and you will have to accept your responsibility for that.It won't just be your h and daughter, you play a part in it.

Is your dd getting help for ocd?

Is your H working or retired.. negativity could be a habit that cbt could help with.

Hi I’m new to mums net and I feel like I need someone who I don’t know opinion. I have a baby with my fiancé and I don’t know whether I should stick it out with him for her sake or leave, I don’t know what I would be happier doing. Ever since we’ve had the baby things have got bad, from the start I did everything including night feeds, he knew how exhausted I was from just giving birth but did not help out one bit, I kept having to ask for help which just turnt into massive arguments. He’s finally started to get better, but I thInk he takes advantage of me being on leave and says that because I’m not working now I shouldn’t ever get tired, she is now 9 weeks and we have just got a 3 month old puppy, so my hands are now full, he’s always demanding when he gets in never offers to take them off me one day if I’m feeling tired to get my head down, I feel like it’s pishing me away from him

Your 15 yo DD needs more than being allowed to behave like a spoiled brat. There must be some underlying issues there that.need resolved.

He is a very negative and angry person.

It's hardly surprising she's got some emotional issues, is it?

@Sparkle95 you need to press start new thread in this topic up the top of the page.

The whole point of being a parent is to raise DC to be equipped with the life skills they need to function independently in society and independent of you.

What exactly are you achieving by making her so dependent on you so much so she has reduced you to her personal slave?

What happens if you are hospitalised or worse?

You teach her to cook, use the washing machine, etc and withdraw your services in every way.

You get mental health support for her so you have back up before she turns 18 so before she is no longer a child.

You start by going out more on your own or getting a job so you are not enabling her or your DH anymore.

You do not give any service like cooking or cleaning up after people who don't treat you properly or speak to you with respect

Raise your boundaries and make more of your life. Get your backbone back, you only live once and you are only treated badly because you allow it.

Stop allowing it! Stop doing things for anyone who doesn't appreciate you!

Life is about give and take. Why have you skewed the balance so it is just you giving and the others taking?

Never do any laundry for someone who is nasty to you! Let them do it themselves. Let them become fully independent of you as it is not healthy for anyone to be so co dependent.

It's time you enjoyed life and so ignore the toxic fall out while you forge ahead and create a life you are happy with.

Put yourself first and prioritise a job, hobbies and making friends. This will make you a good role model to the others.

You can't help others unless you help yourself first.

Let us know how you get on.

Babes sort your daughter out..under no circumstances should she be acting or talking to you like that..your her MOM not her slave..is she taking the piss??? Tbf it might be too late as its gone on for some time yeah..but never let anyone treat u like that EVER..2nd talk to hubby and let him know how you feel..dont be afraid as life is too short for what ifs..you have a small window to be happy in life..look through it and see what YOU want in life to be happy..3rd just book a weekend away and reflect on you..you might get a beyter pic of what you want..good luck xx

Your daughter needs gripping as she has become a madam. Tell her she will come to the table to eat or won't eat and needs to speak to you with respect. You've been too soft and now she sees you as weak. My eldest does this to me at 5, just every now and again you release the inner beast and he falls into line.

Wow what has happened between your dd and your oh to make her hate him so much? I’d be worried what he’s done to her.
What does she say?
I’ve moved out with my dd and sort her behaviour out.

Just to be clear nothing untoward has happened between dd and dh. She doesn’t like him because he doesn’t give in to her like I do. He doesn’t like her because she’s rude and disrespectful.

I'd separate the two things. Do you actually want to be in the marriage?

If you don't, then split and keep dd. Work on what's going on with her and get support with her. It's not an outcome that has to make you her personal slave, you are her parent.

They are both very strong willed. Neither will back down whereas I always try to keep the peace which has resulted in me becoming a doormat. I think I know that I really need to sort out my daughters behaviour but I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I have created this problem and I know I need to encourage her to be more independent. I have tried standing up to her but then she kicks off at me (obviously she doesn’t like it) then dh kicks off at me saying it’s my fault and ‘she should have been sorted years ago’ so I crumble and nothing changes. I keep thinking in 3 years time she will go to uni and we’ll be ok. But with her attitude to school and now the ocd (which will make it difficult for her to live with people in uni accommodation) I feel that might not happen anyway
I need to find the strength to get back on track. I’ve had counselling and it was good to talk but not much help. The referral we are on the waiting list for will hopefully include parenting support but is it too late for things to change? Something has to change though. I’m not sleeping I’m not eating. I hate my current life and spend every waking moment thinking about how to change it-and then do nothing!
I want to leave it all and pretend it doesn’t exist. Go home from work one day to a nice little flat on my own and be myself. Reality check!! I have responsibility to my daughter and can’t just do that. Or can I?
On her last visit home my older dd said she hadn’t realised how bad things had got and she would understand if I left.

A child doesn’t hate her dad because he refuses to give in to her. There’s more to this. I’d be taking your dd to a child physchologist to probe her behaviour
You need to leave your oh in the meantime - taking your child WITH you

How can you be sure he’s not been abusive to her in some way?

OP you cant have it both ways you cant have him be angry and negative and then say its not that bad,

You need to help your daughter and stop feeling sorry for yourself - she does not sound in a good place and needs professional help

Then I think you need to leave your marriage regardless of your daughter is sounds over - and take her with you

@Disquieted1 - my dad was emotionally abusive and always angry and shouting violently. I frequently used to ask my mum to leave him. I don't know if it's that rare in that relationship dynamic.

Virtual hug coming your way.
I have a very strong willed teenager DD too. But she is my DD and my foot has to go down, whether she likes it or not, and sometimes it is very hard, especially when we over compensate and are trying to rein in something we should have never let evolve, but you can do it.
If yourDD suffers from OCD (I am no expert) but wouldn't she like and need routine and boundaries that may make her feel more comfortable and calmer? Get therapy it WILL help.

I have a teen with OCD. Exposure therapy has really helped. The most important thing is that your DD engages with it though. Some of her behaviour might be in order to avoid the anxiety of her obsessions.

Can't believe how you let dd2 run you round in circles. You need to start being firm, ignore her when she texts her food orders through. If she wants food she has to do it herself! If it was me, I would organise a rented property for myself for six months and tell them they will have to sort it out because you've got your own mental health to consider. Your dh is perfectly capable. He's an adult. Actually he sounds depressed and needs to consult the gp

I think there is emotional abuse in our relationships. I have applied for help and have been accepted on the waiting list with family services but they have made it clear they will only be able to proceed if everyone is willing. My daughter and husband don’t accept that they have a problem they just blame each other so I don’t know if anything will happen when we get to the top of the list. We had family support involvement when dd was 9 but she refused to talk them even at that age. I am pretty certain that I do need to leave but sometimes think that dd would be more independent if left with her dad. It is all about control with her. Not only doesn’t she want me to go out and leave her with him she doesn’t want me and dh to go out and leave her in not even to go shopping for an hour. She clearly has emotional and behaviour issues but is also very manipulative. I worry that if I left and took her with me things might get worse and I would regret leaving. Financially it would be really difficult too as the only way I see is for me to rent somewhere and then move out. Dh would not leave and would make everything as difficult as possible. He would certainly blame my daughter as well. In writing this I feel that I am again being weak and just looking for excuses. I also feel responsibility for dh because he’s 67 years old and I feel if I leave I’ve let him down and left him alone in his old age although I know many men his age manage on their own. Ultimately he may be happier without the conflict too. Just posting on here helps me to address my feelings and I know I have to find the strength to take control. I look around at what I have and will need to give up but they are just possessions and are clearly not making me happy

67 isn't old but it could be now or never! 2 Give it another 5 years and he might be. And yes you are making excuses. At the very least stop dd2 ordering you around. Grow a backbone

Dd’s Ocd relates to germs. She won’t eat out because the plates and cutlery might not be clean. She won’t touch door handles that other people have touched. Won’t use any toilet except her own ensuite bathroom- she is supposed to be going on a 5 day school holiday in July so we will see what happens then. She hand sanitizers constantly. As soon as she gets home from school she changes her clothes and uses antibacterial wipes on her phone, watch and earphones. Most of this started before Christmas and has got worse very quickly. She has a time out card at school for when she gets anxious. She had to leave a lesson last week because a teacher picked up her pen.(germs!) I don’t know if this is a reaction to tension at home although there have been ocd type behaviour in the past such as checking ritual at bedtime when she was about 8. She does need help but most likely won’t accept it but I will continue to push for it

mummabeargrr
Thanks for the hug. I really do need to find it in me to be firm. Things can’t really get any worse. If that doesn’t improve anything I should consider moving out on my own for a while and see if dd and dh can get along if I’m not there. I suspect they both use me to get at each other. If all else fails the split will have to be permanent and dd will probably live with me. Sound obvious when I write it down now I just need to find the backbone to actually do it.