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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's moved on but won't leave me alone

24 replies

pullingknots · 12/05/2018 18:04

Things have been tough for a while as last year my long term partner and father of my child dumped me rather brutally for someone he'd been having an affair with.

As he owned the house this caused all manner of horrors for me beyond the usual heartache and humiliation, but the upshot of it is I survived.

He is still with the OW who now spends part of every other weekend with my very young child - which is a whole other thing I've just had to swallow, but there you have it.

To my amazement, I have also moved on in a way I never thought would be possible and, perhaps unsurprisingly to many of the experienced denizens of Mumsnet - I am far better off without the shit.

My issue is that while he should be loving life with the new bimbette of half his age - he will not let me go. This manifests itself in a number of ways, such as refusing to return many of my possessions (he promised me I would be able to collect them when he booted me out his house with our child); he has kept mail that he said he would forward to me (it took months for me to get an address I could actually forward this to); he also tracked my location on my mobile phone and I have proved that he reads my emails.

When I say these things out loud I sound like a paranoid maniac. I believe this is something he is counting on as he has a long history of promoting ex partners as deranged lunatics.

I have changed my phone and shut down my social media profiles (he was able to get into these too) but I can't change my email address as it is a work one. I have changed the password on multiple occasions but eventually he still gets in. I thought we were over this, however recently it has become apparent that he has been in my email again.

There is nothing especially private in my email, however it maddens me that a man who spent many years making me feel like I was worth nothing, and who ultimately threw me away - still feels that he has the right to rifle through my existence.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
MeanTangerine · 12/05/2018 18:05

Police. What he's doing is illegal.

Barbaro · 12/05/2018 18:12

Report him to the police for accessing your work email and tell your HR department that he is hacking on to it if you have good evidence. And change your password to something more secure as clearly your passwords aren't good.

Make your password really long. Take 3 words that sum you up and change letters in it to numbers and special characters.

Like say I like music, shopping and the cinema. My password could be Mu5ic&$h0pp1ng&F1lm5. Basically uncrackable, or at least very difficult and I doubt he has the technology to get past it.

Also tell the police he has your mail and your possessions.

pullingknots · 12/05/2018 18:15

With regards to the passwords - I don't think my choices are the problem. I have even randomly generated them in the past. The issue is not that he can guess them, but that he does have the technical ability to get in. It is highly likely that he has the technology to get past it.

OP posts:
Barbaro · 12/05/2018 18:23

That password would take years to crack even with a very good computer. Unless he maybe has a way to do a password reset. Although if a randomly generated password is still short or basically just a word it's easy to crack.

pullingknots · 12/05/2018 18:27

I think you've hit the nail on the head with a password reset actually.

OP posts:
category12 · 12/05/2018 18:30

If he's hacking your work email, you need to get legal advice/go to the police. Is it a company you work for or self-employed? I'd consider the legal options - he's harassing you.

Sparctopus · 12/05/2018 18:38

Are you using any device which he could have installed a keylogger on? If so he would be able to get information, including new passwords and messages you send, that way until you get it removed (or replace the device). I'd have thought if he was resetting the password, you'd be able to tell as then you would be locked out?

And yes - I'd involve police. If he's done stuff like this before to previous partners that should help too, if anything. (Are you in touch with any of them?).

GinnyWreckin · 12/05/2018 18:45

He sounds like he’s got keyboard monitoring software installed.

Get the HR dept involved and the police, and also ask someone technical to clean your machines.

The police will open a file of harassment for you, but you need to log everything he’s doing to stalk you.
Log your new address with the post office.

The police will also help you recover your belongings. Him keeping them is theft.

You need advice about access to your child as well. If you don’t want bimbette involved you can go to court to get this into a judgement.

Where is your solicitor? You should not have been kicked out of your shared child’s house?

You need legal help. Contact women’s aid for advice.

Good luck.

DoctorStrange · 12/05/2018 18:51

I'd agree with a potential keylogger - which also means he'll have access to all of your accounts and everything you type.
Personally I'd back up any files I didn't want to lose (work stuff and photos) to an external HDD and then totally wipe all my devices and do fresh OS installs. You should also consider changing your router password after doing this.

RandomMess · 12/05/2018 18:55

Key logger got definite!

PebbleTissueScissors · 12/05/2018 18:57

I can't change my email address as it is a work one. I have changed the password on multiple occasions but eventually he still gets in

When you say "a work one" - do you mean it is an email address provided by your employer?

If so, report it to them because they will be able to see who is accessing your email and the IP address of the computer being used to access it.

Then as others have said report it to the police. It's an offence under this act

www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1990/18

littledinosaurs · 12/05/2018 19:16

You've got some great IT advice OP, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry this is happening! He sounds so creepy.

Cawfee · 12/05/2018 19:40

Speak to your hr dept at work. Tell them what’s happened. Get them to close your account and open you a new one. Do not give him details of anything in your life. Zero info and zero conversation beyond childcare arrangements. What are the possessions? Are they valuable/sentimental?

Angelf1sh · 12/05/2018 19:42

Report it to the police and (if you’re not self-employed) to your work. Then go to a library and change all of your passwords to everything from one of their computers to avoid the key logging until you can get it off there.

category12 · 12/05/2018 19:49

If it is a company email, you do have to talk to HR - it's data protection, it's compromised security - it's serious stuff.

pullingknots · 12/05/2018 20:42

Hello. Thank you all for your excellent advice. I am self employed so there is no HR issue /support.
That is a great idea about using a library to change passwords as what many of you have said about a key logger really sounds likely.
I just can't understand why he needs to be so controlling after he ended the relationship so brutally.

OP posts:
BankHolidayYAS · 12/05/2018 20:46

I think you need to get someone to check your computer out for this kind of software tbh. Police too

RandomMess · 12/05/2018 20:48

But as soon as you use the device with the keylogger to put in password he'll have it too...

You need to get it 'cleaned'

category12 · 12/05/2018 20:51

Even so, I presume you have clients emails etc? - him hacking you is a serious breach of data protection. He might just be doing it to control you, but he's acting illegally.

Thebluedog · 12/05/2018 20:53

What he’s doing is illegal! Get the police involved and also speak to your he department, your work will take a very dim view of him hacking into your work email. If he’s got a key logger installed take all your devices, lap tops etc to a computer store and ask them to sort it out, otherwise he’ll have access to EVERY SINGLE THING you do in your devices

RandomMess · 12/05/2018 21:00

Under the new GDPR rules I wonder if you will be held accountable for these data breaches for your client data. This is serious!

AmazingPostVoices · 12/05/2018 21:05

Find a security company to sweep and clean all your devices.

PurpleWithRed · 12/05/2018 21:12

Log this with the police immediately: you don't have to do anything if you don't want to but give them the evidence asap just in case. My ex also hacked into my computers and read my emails, he also used to answer my posts on mumsnet Confused. I wish I had challenged him about it sooner, but just knowing I had the crime number in my wallet helped give me a feeling of control.

fridayrain · 13/05/2018 07:28

If it's on a laptop go to Control Panel, Uninstall a Program and have a look through everything installed to see if any look out of place. A quick google of their names will tell u what they are.

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