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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband confessed he had a problem with webcams

16 replies

Noname100 · 12/05/2018 17:09

I am pretty upset by something which happened recently. I have a generally good relationship with my husband and he is a great father to our 2 kids.
Recently, however he confessed that he had been having a problem with webcam sites where he pays to watch women strip. I never suspected anything. He said that he had been on and off them for about a year and then had stopped about 6 months ago. He was really upset about it and seemed to want to get it off his chest. Since then he has been very down and I have to.
On one hand I admire his honesty, but kind of wish he could have kept to himself, especially as he seemed to have gotten the problem under control.
He said he thinks it happened as he wanted an escape due to going through a stressful time at work and escalated a bit after this. He says from now on he will go to bed at the same time as me so that I can accept that it will never happen again.

OP posts:

IceSwan · 12/05/2018 17:23

Why do you think he's decided to tell you?

justastrangeronabus · 12/05/2018 17:27

With web cams though it's not just web cams is it? It's chatting too. That's what they pay for.

If it was just the images/videos he wants then he would just watch free porn, no?

If my partner wanted to talk dirty to and with other women then I would have an issue.

FlyingBird · 12/05/2018 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SprayingMonsters · 12/05/2018 17:40

He said he thinks it happened as he wanted an escape due to going through a stressful time at work and escalated a bit after this

^^ That excuse is just not good enough.

Feckers2018 · 13/05/2018 00:04

Why has he told you? I think this is the tip of an iceberg and there is more to it. He probably has done far more and is minimising.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2018 05:03

It's cheating as far as I am concerned. I have never really understood why paying someone for something is acceptable and them doing it for free wouldn't be.

If he was talking dirty to a female friend or colleague, asking them to take their clothes off for free, would you leave?

SunshineandRain18 · 13/05/2018 05:44

He's basically cheating on you and has given you some bullshit excuse.

What else is he doing and does he think he can continue. Tbh that would be a deal breaker for me.

ittakes2 · 13/05/2018 05:44

I wouldn't be happy with this but at the same time I'm not one for at the first sign of trouble immediately dissolving a marriage especially one with children. I don't have any experience of this but I'm assuming he is telling you as a way to help him control his behaviour. I suspect he has developed depression and maybe some compulsive behaviours as a way of dealing with stress. Can I suggest he rings his GP about a referral to have some cognitive behavourial therapy.

At the end of the day - only you know your relationship and how you feel about his recent behaviour and the consquences. But from what you are saying you believe you have a good relationship with him and he is a good father to your children - so if I was you, for his sake and all your sakes, I would insist he gets some professional help for whatever motivated him to start on this path.

TammySwansonTwo · 13/05/2018 06:23

So sorry. This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me too. Porn is one thing (although I detest that too) but interacting with someone is even worse. Why did he tel you - did you find out?

MarieG10 · 13/05/2018 06:52

Webcams...so interacting with sex workers for enjoyment. Sounds like cheating to me. Is it more that he is worried it is going to come out or is he being blackmailed??

Original poster

Noname100 · 13/05/2018 07:42

Thanks for replies.
Well he first told me 6 months ago, but I didn't understand what he was on about - thought it was more like a porn thing. Then it came up again and I understood what he was talking about.
He said he tried to stop a few times and then went back to it, but has not done it for 6 months.
He has recently started taking anti-depresents from the GP, is struggling to sleep and says he wants to go into therapy. So yeah, there is something else other than the work-stress issue going on here.

OP posts:

BodgingThisMumThing · 13/05/2018 07:44

I don’t know why he told you, and then bought it up again. For me I’d be worried, not only about him, but the rest of the story which is probably to come. Just how much money did he spend on webcams?

namechng · 13/05/2018 08:45

This is cybersex addiction. If he wants to stop, he has to go into therapy, read books on it, tell you all his passwords and even find a way to stop going on the sites by having web filters.

Some people may think that what he is doing is harmless because he is not physically cheating. However, it is cheating and by doing this he is not only lying but withholding affection and intimacy from you. That is damaging to the relationship.

It can and does lead to more. Once he is desensitised to the webcams, he will need something greater for a fix and so on and so on.

It is good that he has opened up about it, that's a great start. There are some good books out there to read about how to get over it. He has to understand fully the long term consequences on the family and on you.

namechng · 13/05/2018 08:51

Just wanted to add that this does not just stop by itself. He may not do it for 6 Months or a year, but he will do it again unless treated. A really good book with to read is Understanding Sex Addiction by Paula Hall.

Bant · 13/05/2018 09:23

I know of someone whose marriage has recently broken down, because the husband got addicted to webcams, which then turned into two-way cybersex via cams, and he didn’t realise he was being recorded for blackmail purposes.

Cue him racking up several thousand pounds in credit card debt trying to keep it all under wraps, getting involved in a police investigation and the wife finally finding out and throwing him out.

The timing of the admission and subsequent depression in this case has me wondering whether possibly something similar could be happening?

Huskylover1 · 13/05/2018 11:33

He says from now on he will go to bed at the same time as me so that I can accept that it will never happen again

What, for the rest of is life? That's not do-able.

Not sure that I could get past this, to be honest. How much has he spent?! Do you feel like he's cheated? I think I would. What did he do when they were stripping? Wank? Was his camera on, so they saw him?

This really isn't acceptable.

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