Pregnant and newly single?! Help!!

[Sweettoothtay]

I’m going to try and keep this short as much as poss! Apologies if I fail!

My “partner” and I have a 22 month old son and he has a daughter who is 14 from a previous relationship, she lives with us full time and hardly sees her mum. I’m also 5 months pregnant with our next baby. Anyway my partner has taken up a new career and is intensive training, he has been since our son was just 2 months old. He is training to be a pilot and for his studies he needs to work away often. He actually worked away from mon-Friday and we only saw each other on weekends, which meant for a year I was left with his daughter and our newborn on my own at the age of 22. I felt extremely lonely but was lucky enough to have a great support system from my parents. My partner is going through stress from his exams which I understand and I have given him a months worth of space by staying at my parents house with our toddler, this way he can really focus and not be distracted. Since then he has hardly made an effort with me, he only asks how my son is. Never how I am, even though I’m pregnant with our second! We are going through a rough patch to say the least and he has recently told me that he isn’t in love with me anymore and that he wants to focus on his career and just the kids. His daughter is still at the home so he is taking full care of her. Unfortunately, he has sprung on me that he regrets getting me pregnant this time around and told me that he was foolish for having unprotected sex with me. Quite obviously this has broken my heart, I’ve tried to speak with him but he won’t answer me. He has also admitted to me that his family is his mum, sister his daughter and our son. I didn’t even get mentioned, he has even admitted that “he puts his mother before me and that will never change”.

At the beginning of this year I went through my partners phone, just because I had a feeling I’d find something, low and behold I was right. Anyway I found snapchat on his phone, at the age of 34 I’m not expecting my partner to have downloaded snapchat, I find that rather sad. I found a message on his phone from a female that had sent him a photo of him grouping himself whilst wearing boxers, he replied to the message saying “when I go to Spain, you are coming with me”, he is going to Spain the end of this year for more work training. He had obviously sent her the photo in the past and she had sent it back to him, I don’t know. Anyway when I looked at the date of the message I was horrified to see that it was a week before our sons first birthday. Exactly when our son caught chicken pox, our son was so sick and it was awful. I done everything I could to relieve him from pain, and whilst I was doing so my “partner” was texting another female. This broke my heart and he grovelled to me, I stayed at my parents house with our son and cut off contact with him for a few weeks. He tried every way to get me back and clearly it worked. Now I’m pregnant with our second and he tells me he doesn’t love me anymore. I have taken care of his daughter and our son for a whole year whilst he was away for work and this is how I get repayed.

I can’t explain how I feel to be honest all I can say is my heart bleeds. I feel so let down and ashamed. I’ve been going through a tough time right now and I’ve been vomiting the past week from stress and from just feeling down, I’m cranky and tired all the time due to stress.
I’m 24 with a toddler and pregnant, what am I going to do with myself? We have amazing memories with each other and I cannot seem to get over this feeling. I’m constantly crying. I feel so low. Can anyone relate or give me advice?

Thank you
Xx

Hi, things will get better. It must have been a shock for you to find out all this, let alone when you are pregnant. Please just take one day at a time. And don't grovel to get him back. He does not deserve you. Ps, if you're still feeling sick/stressed, it won't harm to talk it through with your GP.

Namechangedname Thanks I appreciate it I think I should see my go of midwife about this. The sickness is making me feel so low and this whole pregnancy I’ve felt great so I know this is stress related.
I’ve blocked off contact because I just don’t want to hear from him right now.
Xx

I think you are right to block contact.
Though I would send s message to say something like ‘I have to concentrate on myself and the children. I’m not going to deal with this right now’
Then I would distance myself from him.

Speak to midwife, lean on family and friends, concentrate on yourself.
Put your own welfare top of every decision you make from now on.
Not what you want to do, but what is best for you.

Look at finances/support.
Is he supporting financially? Get all that agreed and established.

What about his other child?
Can she go to get mum and see you at weekends?
I would be seeking financial support from them both if she is to stay with you.
As you can’t claim for a third child this will put you in a precarious position if he will not support.
Maybe social services can help if parents are refusing? I would want some kind of court order/financial security if she is to stay.

Start cutting him out of your life and focusing on you.
If you allow yourself to be caught up with your feelings around him it will be so much harder.

Seek stability.

I would call him an utter piece of shit but I don’t think it’s helpful to you.
Sending you loads of love.

RoderickRules
Thank you I really appreciate your reply, I agree I need to start focusing on myself now. My son is growing into a real chatty toddler and he brightens my day in every way.

His daughter is actually living at our family home with him. I’m assuming he is going to get some sort of support from his mother (who might I add lives 5 mins away from the family home) she hasn’t been much of a support for me at all but I know she is there for his daughter. So I definitely don’t need to worry about her as well.

I’m so grateful I have my parents to stay with, they are a massive support for me. Although my mum doesn’t show a massive deal of emotion towards it, she is pretty hard when it comes to these things. She has expressed that she thinks he is a total arsehole right now. Which for me helps because up till now everyone including my family seemed to think the sun shun from his backside!

My friends are supportive but it’s hard for them to understand, none of them have children.

Well he pays for my car as it was our family car (I pay for the insurance and everything else) I don’t get any money from him no. we decided when our son was born that I was going to be a stay at home mum for the sake of the kids and the development of his career. Although this year so far I’ve been constantly thrown with the following statements “this is my house and I pay the bills” “you can’t help me earn money so do your job and look after the kids, your a stay at home mum what else do you do” I never expected him to ever start treating me this way. It makes me feel worthless and useless to be quite frank.

Like you said though he is an absolute utter piece of shit and I’m glad I have that clarified from someone else. As this whole situation has been made to blame on me! Like I don’t do enough. You start to actually blame yourself. I’m done now though he has given me my beautiful son and another bundle of joy on the way. That’s all I can thank him for.

Many thanks xxx

He is an absolute arse.

I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment, but you are and willbe better off without him.

I'd suggest a conversation with a solicitor. Find out what you can get from the sleazebag

When I was a sahm with my little boy I went to quite a few local playgroups including sure start and made a good few friends.

Eventually I had a good support network and a good life.

Here we are 8 years later (time flies!) and I’m working full time, moved to a lovely home, am totally over that period if my life and mostly enjoy life.

As others have shared, a day at a time, there’s ups and downs ahead but you’ll be miles better off without someone f*ing you about.

Keep posting.

Lordy!!!
Should have proof read...sure you get the gist!

RoderickRules

I’ve been to so many groups with my son which is lovely. I’ve literally taken him to the park nearly everyday just to keep him busy and to distract myself.

My supposed partner caught me off gaurd and called me off a different number yesterday. He explained that we need to meet and speak about things properly. I think I’m finally getting my point across. Although he says I should do more with his daughter, pretty difficult when I’m busy with a toddler 24/7! He also explained that he finds it annoying that his daughter (my step daughter) has to have school dinners, he thinks I should be making her a pack lunch daily. That’s not an issue for me as I go through weeks of making her pack lunches, you know what teens are like, sometimes they come home with the box still full! Or sometimes it’s conveniently left in the fridge. Anyway the evenings are my busiest most hectic times, as most of not every mum can relate. Cooking from scratch a home cooked dinner because my partner is so bloody fusy. Whilst having my son throw a tantrum, cleaning up the kitchen, get my son bathed, then battle the bedtime (which usually takes way over an hour.) I’m exhausted the last thing I think of doing is running downstairs to make a sandwich at stupid times of the night. It wouldn’t be an issue if I got some kind of help with my son in the evenings. God am I sounding really difficult?!
X

No you are not sounding difficult and your partner is unfair and emotionally abusive. He has cheated on you (the sexting). Your partners daughter is not your responsibility. She is your partners. It’s not your job to make her packed lunches. It’s his. He has called you up to moan about her packed lunches??? WTF?! You’ve been doing everything for an entire year while he gets to Swan around, sexting other women, you looking after HIS daughter...this is not acceptable. He is treating you like an unpaid slave. Please get some help. Go see a counsellor. Do not move back in with this man. Do not put yourself in any vulnerable position. Do not look after his daughter. That is his job. He has told you he doesn’t love you so don’t go back to him. I’d suggest living away from him and building up your life and self esteem away from him. He’s obviously a narcissist. Is the family home only in his name? Where’s your financial security? Do not trust this man! He is horrific!

Tell him if he wants you back then he needs to transfer half the house into your name and you aren’t moving back until you see legal proof. You also want your name on his bank account and full access to all of the money. Let’s see how much effort he puts in then...make him step up and be decent before you move back. You also want a cleaner twice a week, that he pays for...you’ve got a baby on the way and need the help. School dinners will be staying for his other child as it’s not your responsibility to feed his other kids. Write a list of the things you want to happen before you will even consider meeting with him. Don’t be dictated to. Don’t be a walkover.

He's phoning you about his dd because he's looking after her for the first time in a year, and is beginning to panic about the practicalities of his situation.

Please don't go back. I almost never say that, but he's treated you appallingly.

See a solicitor about your financial situation, tax credits, benefits agency, child maintenance from him. Start looking at what your income will be and what your life will look like now. I think it will be much better than being at his beck and call, and you have family support too.

I'm sorry this has happened but at least he's revealed his true colours at last.

Cawfee

Thank you for your advice. I agree, I haven’t moved back and no plans to. I’m currently helping my parents move home. So it’s very hectic at the moment. He actually said to me “you’ll be alright, you’ve got good support from your parents” what a cheek. I feel like a child moving back in with my parents and even more childish moving back with my son and being pregnant I need to stop this ego thing and just suck it up. I agree though I’m not struggling and having the thought of possibly different from postnatal depression, looking after a teen, toddler and a newborn all by myself. Stuff that!! I agree with you, I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks this whole taking over the step child thing is ott, he always throws at me that I should do these things and not complain because he is the one who pays the bills. I’m supposed to just look after the kids and not say a word about it, clearly.
I need to stop being a doormat right now. It’s so easy to loose self astern, having no one got all to properly does make you feel like your the one in the wrong.

I think you need to just tell him next time he phones that seeing as you are no longer in a relationship he will have to parent his first child properly because she is not your responsibility. But while he is on the phone you do need to discuss finances, child maintenance and contact. Whats the betting you wont hear from him for a while!

RainySeptember
Thanks yes that’s the best thing. I’m too used to putting on a brave face to everyone. My parents have no clue, I feel embarrassed at times to admit this is happening.

His true colours have shone through. I shouldn’t feel like a burden because I’m only a sahm, it’s a tough job. I also don’t want to feel under the thumb because he keeps the bills paid. I’m getting the right support off my family. In the sense of having a secure safe home to live in until I find my feet. Let’s see if he can get the support from his mum with his daughter, her real mum is a bum it’s outrageous she brought her in to the world and has done nothing to support her or being her up. When I met her there were lots of bad habits I had to try and fix.

Phillipa12
Yes I shouldn’t feel like I have to all of a sudden bring up his child like this.
I know he would do anything for our son especially financially. It’s hard he has been in training since our son was born so there’s not been a great bond so far, it could be alot better. I know I wouldn’t have problems with him and financial wise when it comes to our kids.
Thank you x

Perhaps you have puton a rave face/coped so uncomplainingly he now completely takes you for granted.

I echo what has been said above, up to him to start parenting his daughter now you are not in a relationship.
And all the other perks too.

Open up to your folks, tell them he is taking you for granted do you are breaking up.

It is his loss.
As he will find out!

RoderickRules
Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it.
I agree it’s his loss.
X