Can a marriage work when DH works abroad?

[pomelo]

My DH has been offered a job in Europe. He's keen, trouble is I am not! I really don't want to upsticks leaving my family, friends etc to go and live abroad.
I am wondering how things would work out if he was working away and came home at the weekends. We have a 6 month old DS.
Is anyone else in the same/similar boat?

My mum and dad have lived mainly apart for almost 20years! They are still happily married.

Dh and I was in this situation for 2 years, it worked out very well, but I would not consider it now as we have a ds that adores him.

Hi there Pomelo - we live abroad, I have to ask firstly, have you seriusly thought about going with him?
I know living abroad is not the best option for everyone, but its certainly worth considering - which part of Europe?

seriously, even!

I did this for two years. In the beginning it was very hard, but I was resigned to the situation, then I got used to it and with a new baby to keep me busy I formed my own routines without him and eventually I found his weekend visits to our home a bit inconvenient, which he noticed and didn't like so we went back home vowing never to do it again! Now when I reflect on it I am quite resentful of how difficult it was for me and how much he missed out on seeing his first son.

If I were you I would let him go for a month or two to see how he liked it and if the verdict is positive then I would pack up and follow him, but with a pretty firm idea of how long it would be for. Depending on exactly which country you are talking about of course. If you do go, try to settle in an area that has quite a few expats and is used to them.

my DH used to work away it was great actually when we were together we made time for us as a family,
Then he got a job that meant he was at home most nights and we had to move away 120 miles from friends and family, this was very hard but we thought it was for the greater good as we would spend lots more time together,
roll on 2 years and he is about to change his job to 3 weeks away 1 week home again so we can all go back home where there is a stronger support network, I know lots of people who move away from there ties and it works great, but for me although I have him I miss my family and friends dreadfully and we have much less quality time together
personaaly I would rather him work away from home so I could go back home, he goes back to a job he loves the kids and I miss him yes but we have quality time to spend together
after that ramble I would say it would work if you have a support network to get you through

Thanks for all your replies girls!

The job is in Germany - Dusseldorf. I am a real homebody and spent some time abroad when I was younger and I was sooo very homesick. I know that with DS I would be even worse.
I feel I'm being really selfish but I know what I'm like and don't want to go out there and eventually resent DH for having left all our support network behind. My DH works in I.T and that usually involves very long hours so I know I'd be alone for most of the day.
I am quite an independent person and don't mind it being just DS and me (in familiar surroundings that is!) but maybe that's just naive...I wonder what it would REALLY be like????

To be honest it sounds like you're being a bit selfish. Beyond being seperated from you, you are asking your DH to be seperated from his DS - not fair.
You're only talking about Germany, not Guatemala - you could come back to the UK regularly to deal with your homesickness.
Marriage (especially with children) is a partnership and sometimes requires a few compromises.

Cantsleepwontsleep is in this situation; I'm sure she'd give you some sensible advice/comments. She's on the Feb 06 post natal thread if you want to [pop over

at SweetyDarling calling you selfish.

I'm another IT widow pomelo, and have been for years. It's harder now that we have dd (15 months), as I can't get out in the evenings any more (used to be out almost every night that dh wasn't here), but you get used to it, and MN is now my social life!

I could move with dh, but he doesn't really want to settle anywhere else either, and with the hours he works he would only see a tiny bit more of dd than he does now.

Thanks sweetydarling - I think that's what I needed to hear.

crossed posts mrm!

Cantsleep - that's what worries me, he works such long hours anyway and this job is no exception so I won't see him much more anyway. Still can't get the selfish feelings out of my head though especially as in-laws keep telling me so...

Blimey - my in-laws wouldn't want me to go anywhere, as then they'd see less of dd!

dh's cousin moved to Germany a few years ago with work (banking) and they have since had a baby (now about 6yo). He's being brought up bilingually, which I do think will be a great skill to have. Do your dh and/or you speak German well?

We thought that an opportunity might arise last year for us to move to Montreal for a few months, and we were prepared to give it a go (but only short term), but it didn't come off in the end.

I guess if your dh takes the job, you could stay behind initially, and if you don't like the way it works, then you could move out later.

DH and I haven't but my parents did for several years (about 5/6yrs I think). He was in the merchant navy and although at the start of the marriage she sometimes travelled with him after my brother was born she stayed in the UK. They're still together nearly 34yrs later (despite my dad being a right royal PITA to live with LOL) so I think it can work,.