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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm so confused and hurt.

30 replies

Gunner1982 · 12/05/2018 04:55

Hey all you lovely lot. I need to vent and I've got no one....
Last night my oh decided to make a mountain out of a mole hill just because he hadn't eaten. The day before last I felt very poorly and completely drained I just about managed to cook for my 2 kids (11 & 6) i told him i wasn't feeling well but still offered to cook for him, he said no I'll be ok. I was so lethargic and kept having hot and cold sweats I just sat myself on the sofa all evening after putting the kids to bed. Yesterday i still wasnt feeling well i sorted the kids and aked him when he got back from work what would you and his 15yr old son like for dinner, when he came. I just mentioned don't forget there are pastries in the fridge... he said I don't want a pasty for my dinner I said I didn't mean that you were going to have them to eat for dinner I was just saying.... he said it be ok I'll sort him (his son) something to eat a pot noodle and that.... I walked away as I could feel tention... he didnt speak all evening just sat with his son in his room and was constantly on his phone txting someone...later on after I put my kids to bed I went in the kitchen to say i was going to bed he said I'll sleep down here so I don't annoy you then said turn tv off I'm going to bed too but then asked for a quilt to sleep on the sofa... I'm confused.... so I ask why? His reply was basically I do nothing all day I keep the dog locked up so I can hang out all day with friends but that's me grabbing a quick coffee after school run with 2 of my family members and coming straight bk home cleaning up the house top to bottom washing and drying clothes ready for ironing oh not forgetting making sure the dog is let out and hes fed and watered regularly, sorting bills and kids stuff out maybe top up the shopping ect..... yet I do absolutely f* all everyday, also he said the fact when i say ive not eaten all day i haven't had anything un like you meaning me some days i dont get the chance to eat properly and just because the other evening i had a pot noodle after he went to bed and it was in the bin the next morning... so what that was another evening when he said he didnt want no dinner.... so i had a pot noodle....Not only do I suffer from complex PTSD anxiety and have sever plantar fasciitis in the both of my feet and I struggle to do things in now I'm branded a idol lazy bitch!! My kids heard him shouting at me my little one got so upset about it he ended up In my bed with me because he was scared. This isn't the first time he's had a go at me and said I sit on my arse and drink coffee, watch tv n I keep the dog locked up all day..... he's just sent my PTSD through the roof after putting up with this rubbish from my past.

OP posts:

IceSwan · 12/05/2018 05:14

So what does he do to help out? What does he want to happen you go out to work full time?

Original poster

Gunner1982 · 12/05/2018 05:19

Oh he'll wash up after dinner and maybe take the fog for a walk if he can be bothered and picks up the dog poop if there is any in the garden.... im not sticking up for him here but he does mow the lawns and oh he'll put the bins out...

OP posts:

RainySeptember · 12/05/2018 05:47

Am I right in thinking he works full time and you are a sahm? I ask because I have seen this happen in rl a lot, men losing respect for their wives if they remain sahm after the dc start school. I guess they go to work and see colleagues who work outside the home and do everything that sahm's do at home. I guess they start to feel resentful of that, and the financial responsibility falling on their shoulders.

Having said that, you have a long term illness that makes working difficult, and have been particularly poorly this week, so I agree that he's been disrespectful and rather unkind. I doubt he will suddenly start caring about you again,perhaps it is time to part ways.

RainySeptember · 12/05/2018 05:53

Meant to add, are you awaiting surgery for plantar fasciitis? I have a friend who had this, she was in a lot of pain but after the surgery she was fully recovered in a few weeks. Good luck x

fontofnoknowledge · 12/05/2018 07:31

I agree with PP. Whilst you don't think he appreciates what you do at home I think many sahm's don't appreciate the pressure on the person providing all the financial support from work. Add to that the fact that he probably works with women who manage to look after school age Dcs and Work... and you have the perfect setting for resentment to brew.

If you have a longterm mental health issue that prevents you working then claim a PIP , at least that way you are bringing some form of income to the home.

Original poster

Gunner1982 · 12/05/2018 08:56

Im waiting for my consultant to give me prp injections ive suffered with sever pf for 5yrs no and in so much pain.

Believe me I appreciate that he goes to work but just because I had not cooked dinner as I was and still am feeling poorly does not give him the right to speak to me the way he did. I struggle with the house work but yet every day it's done from top to bottom he goes to work everyday with dinner unless he don't want it, I cook every day, washing is always done.

He's told me that I don't need to go out to work unless I really want to as he's told his work colleagues that I do work I look after the kids the dog him clean the house ect.. . So I don't need too work as my jobs enough. These were his words when someone asked Jim at work....yet I had all this verbal abuse off him last night over the fact I offered to dinner yet he declined it.... I'm sure he's a grown man and can cook himself and his son food it's not rocket science he did it before he moved in with me 15months ago.....
I do contribute to the income as like you said about PIP.

OP posts:

Onemansoapopera · 12/05/2018 09:55

The only thing I care about in this thread is the dog, to be honest.

Got to say if I'd been at work all day it would be pretty miserable to come home to a pot noodle, you might as well be single. Can you not cook together?

readyforapummelling · 12/05/2018 09:58

I actually think he is a tosser. You were poorly and he had a tantrum because his dinner wasn't waiting for him. Just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean you aren't entitled to feel like crap now and again and everybody, no matter what their employment status deserves some down time.

If he is comparing you to working mums and resenting that he is the main breadwinner then maybe he should apply some of that comparison to himself. I'm sure those working mums don't stop looking after themselves and their children when they clock off so why should he?

I work 32 hours a week in a stressful job and IME my day off with a 15 month old is far more tiring.

I would have a conversation with him about what your expectations are from each other because resentment breeds resentment. People only treat you how you let them.
Good luck!

Original poster

Gunner1982 · 12/05/2018 11:38

You dint have to care about my dog he is very loved and very well looked after.... and excuse me I can cook just because I was feeling very poorly and my meds we're making me feel pretty shite don't mean I don't cook.... Do you not read all the post!!! Everyday I cook every day he goes to work with lunch which I prepare and cook!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Gunner1982 · 12/05/2018 11:43

Thank you readyforapummeling. I just don't under why he filpped out at me yesterday yet again I cleaned from top to bottom took the dog out done 2 loads of washing. I'm sure he's big enough to just sort himself something to eat seeing as he don't never like to eat soon as he gets bk at 5.30 it's normally around 7.30 we have dinner.
seriously though why are some people out to put you down?

OP posts:

FASH84 · 12/05/2018 13:08

A house doesn't need cleaning top to bottom everyday there are chores that need doing (those of us that work do them too) , this sounds like it's more about your health than anything. For most people if kids are at school all day and their health is fine they will have free time, nothing wrong with that but I can see if one person is working full time they might resent this once children are at school. It's not ok for him to shout etc and sounds odd that it all came to a head because you were ill for two days. You need to have an honest conversation about what both of your expectations and capabilities are and take it from there.

Original poster

Gunner1982 · 12/05/2018 17:17

I have very bad OCD I can Hoover and polish at least twice a day! I can not help the way I am. This is just because i didn't cook him dinner and yet he was the one that said he would be ok and sort it. Even though I was not feeling 100% I still offered to cook for the both of them I did not say I wouldn't. He went off the handle a couple of months ago saying I sat on my arse and watch tv n I keep the dog locked up all day he then l8r eventually appologised and said that he knows that I don't do that yet I've had this

OP posts:

FASH84 · 12/05/2018 17:36

You're not communicating with each other properly, does he fully understand your conditions and the impact they have and have you sought help with your OCD? Does he want to be a sole provider?

PavlovaPrincess · 12/05/2018 17:39

Unfortunately OP, you are unlikely to get much sympathy on this thread because you have committed the cardinal Mumsnet sin of being a SAHM.

Of course, your DH could have made his dinner one night out of 365. It won't kill him.

I guess they go to work and see colleagues who work outside the home and do everything that sahm's do at home

Ah, right. But unlike his colleagues, he gets to go home and put his feet up because he has wife doing all that.

Original poster

Gunner1982 · 12/05/2018 20:15

He understands my condition and when he txts me on his lunch or whenever he asks if I'm ok. I tell him what I'm doing and 99%of the time I'm cleaning up and his reply back 9 times out of 10 is you haven't got to do it for me.... or ok but don't over do it..... he said I don't have to get a job although I'm half way working towards TA L3 in primary school which is what I want to do.... at present I'm not working and he's said a thousand times I have my job here looking after the kids which are mine the dog and the house as well as all the finances. I do see a councillor.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gunner1982 · 12/05/2018 20:25

There isn't a day I don't cook unless we're having a treat...

I seriously can't believe how half of these people think on this site, like I say it's not going to hurt him to cook 1 or 2 meals as I'm not well yet I'm being slated for being a stay at home mom and his dinners not on the table..... get a life you keyboard warriors!!

After having a shite nights sleep with the stress of him last night and waking up with night terrors because of my ex. Although I still feel crap me and my 2 boys have spent a lovely day out at the park and came home and ordered a Chinese.... have I ordered him anything NO!!! twat speakers to me like shite and calls me lazy can go fuck himself!!! And if anyone thinks I'm bad for doing so well you can do the same🖕

OP posts:

Original poster

Gunner1982 · 13/05/2018 09:56

Ok so I've asked him to sit and discuss about what went on yet he can't be bothered

OP posts:

Isetan · 13/05/2018 10:18

He talks a good talk but if he’s annoyed or frustrated then you hear what he really thinks to put you in your place. This isn’t about you per sé, it’s about him not articulating and discussing his issues like a grown up and he appears to be oblivious to the culmative effects his shitty outbursts have on you and the respect you have for him.

I think it’s time to have a grown up honest conversation but you should not tolerate his temper tantrums when things aren’t going his way. 8 out of 10 times he’s being pleasant doesn’t excuse the 2 times he’s being a twat and he risks you losing respect for him if he keeps on disrespecting you.

If treating you like shit, however infrequently makes him feel better about himself then he has serious issues and you won’t be his emotional punching bag so he can avoid dealing with his shit. You aren’t a mind reader and he needs to speak up in a calm and respectful manner.

You can’t help your illness but he can stop being a dick.

Isetan · 13/05/2018 10:21

Then stop being bothered about cooking his meals and doing his laundry. Don’t get sucked into the cycle of developing amnesia about his shitty behaviour.

lifebegins50 · 13/05/2018 10:51

How long have you been together? D

If its your house and he is making your dc scared then it's not working.

Coolaschmoola · 13/05/2018 11:09

I can't help the way I am"

Whilst I agree that he is massively in the wrong, should not speak to you like that, and could have cooked, the above statement bothers me.

My DH has severe combat PTSD. I have stress related OCD. Both are difficult, his PTSD is by far the worst, but both CAN be helped. There are many, many strategies and treatment options for both. "I can't help the way I am" is a cop out.

It is incredibly difficult living with someone with PTSD. I also know that it is incredibly difficult for my DH to live with my OCD. We both do everything we can to manage our conditions. I know I have said some horrible things to DH out of frustration at the restrictions and problems caused by his PTSD and he has said some horrible things to me for the same reason.

I'm not excusing your OH's behaviour, but living with someone with one of those conditions is bloody hard for partners and kids, let alone two, and that may explain the periodic outbursts.

Obviously you don't have to stay with him, but DH and I try to remember that our conditions impact the other, impact every aspect of our lives, and cut a little slack if necessary.

Toasttea · 13/05/2018 11:12

Is he not old enough to make his own dinner? Sounds childish to me on his part .

Coolaschmoola · 13/05/2018 11:12

You will know if he is genuinely a good guy who is struggling and reacted, or if he is an arse.

If he's genuinely a good guy you can support each other, set boundaries and find strategies to avoid repeats.

If he's just an arse then get rid.

shammy1b · 13/05/2018 16:16

Babes u dont have 2 leave his ass but yh pps are right..he is lazy n telling u ince in a while ur this n that..id be like WHATTTT..u have something to say say it NOW..not in a subliminal joke or when we cussing..if u want food cooked everyday from now on cook it your fucking self..took my bloke a day before he realised my worth in food lol

shammy1b · 13/05/2018 16:16

INCE...once lol

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