How much time does she expect of should I give her

[KiltedDad]

So loooonnngggg story short.

For last two years my wife was questioning her sexuality and just over a year ago I found out she was messaging a female and they met and kissed. Nearly a year to the day after that she did it again. Yet this time she decided to tell me she was gay and left me and the kids at home.

Fast forward three months (yes three months) from when she told me that our family house is sold and we are in the midst of our legal separation. She is ow in a relationship with this woman who is 10 years younger than her. The children who are 7 and 5 don't know about this relationship.

We have agreed to share care 50/50 and we both work shifts. Yet in reality they children spend about 60% of the time with me and I spend more time out of school with them than Mum does. Her shifts are 12 hours a day and she sometimes only seen them fro m 9pm (when I drop them off to my work) and to 7am (when I pick them up again) whilst she goes to work.

I've had to force her to look at her shifts as she wasn't sticking to the 50/50 and didn't see the children.

The GF lives an hours drive away and when its her day with the children, she drops then off at school and goes straight to see the GF and there have been a few times shes not been contactable on her phone.

Recently she had the children for three school days and the Saturday with my time starting 6pm Saturday. I found out they children were being collected from school by her 21 yo sister (their Aunt) and she went away for the weekend to concert with the GF (that we were meant to go to yet she is taking her and thinks thats ok).

The aunt cannot control the children (behavior changing since split) and she doesn't drive so cannot take them out. I asked the ex why she isn't coming home the Saturday Morning after the concert to spend the Saturday with the children before she goes on 5 days shifts and wont see them for a week. Answer - I'm just not coming back.

I think she is planning on moving in with this GF soon as she is agreeing to all my demands in the agreement (including her not getting my pension worth over 30k to her) expect one. She demands the children see the GF after 4 months of their relationship.

This is only one example. She spends all her spare time with the GF miles away. She asks me to do extra and for the sake of the children, rather than then being left with others, I relent and take them.

I am at the point of changing my job and taking them full time and only giving her access, and sadly In think that would suit her.

So do I do that and give her what she wants and change the job I love, or do I keep going and let her do what she wants with the children when its her time and worry about my time with them.

Although its not the most important part but we were together 15 years, she wanted for nothing and I paid her though university. She graduated last august and got her first job where she met her GF within months. I sacrificed so much and got nothing in return and still don't. She still relies on me for support and I end up giving in, mainly because of my good nature. She talks to me about her GF in a gooey way as if three moths later that's ok and tells me to get a grip and move on.

Not really sure where to go from here.....

Er, nothing in return? "The children" and child care before she went back to Uni?

Think you need to think counselling for yourself and sort out how you come across as you're clearly angry but being a bit doormatty.

How could she sell house without u knowing?

Of course he's angry. His wife has left him for someone else,she's not sticking to the agreed childcare arrangements and is prioritising her girlfriend over seeing their own children. Wouldn't you be angry?

I would be angry too OP and i would put money on the fact that if you were a woman posting this whose husband had fucked off with another woman and doing all the shit she is doing then you would get different responses, which is sad.

I think she sounds like a love sick teenager and maybe thats how she feels and has been repressing feelings for longer than you knew BUT her children should come first there is no excuse in my book for anyone (man woman or other) to put a partner before they a children, it gives me the rage.

I think personally i keep rolling with it for now and hopefully when the "honeymoon" period is over she will come back to her senses.

If she doesnt is there not a way you could work childcare around the children full time (WFH, compressed hours etc?) It does seem unfair that you have to give up something youlove but ultimately the children need a stable home and as the other parent you need to provide that if the other half refuses (which i think you are aware of readibg your OP)

What a shitty situation OP i hope it picks up a bit in the coming months

Do what's best for the children. If that's you having full custody then do that.

Proceed quickly so she doesn't change her mind on the financial side.

Your children may also need counselling to help them with this.

They must be your priority.

If you divorce she will be entitled to you pension.You need to get legal advice.Was it her house?
At least the children have you

Sorry just to clarify... the house was joint. We had to see because I couldnt afford to buy her out and she demanded her half. I asked if I could stay until the youngest was 16 and we would see then b ut she said o so we had to sell.

@Pippylou - if you want to troll go elsewhere and do it

Sadly I agree if the gender was the other way around some, not all, would look at it different and Pippylou is a perfect example of that because there is no way she would respond like that if if was that way around. However, I know others agree with me that's its regardless of Mum Dad or Dad Mum, the children come first.

My main point in posting is for some independent thoughts. Most of my family are telling me not to change jobs (internal job from shifts to a steady Monday to Friday set) because I'm in a job I love, plus why should I? BUT there is no stability and she refuses to be flexible and punting the children from pillar to post just to spend time with a GF is despicable

Stand your ground dont leave your job u are being treated terribly can anyone help with the children?

Maybe if u just say no she will have to be responsible?

Do not leave the job you love OP. It will get easier with time and the children will always remember you doing everything you can to support them. Is there any way you could arrange childcare around your job.

I work shifts and when I split from my ex i felt the same as you do. It's bloody hard work. But I'm a nurse progressing and I know as hard as it is, it's giving them a bright future. If she ditches them on her days that will bite her eventually. Just make sure you hold steady in their lives.

I agree, if a woman wrote this. The man would have been torn apart. But all I see here is a good dad wanting to do right by his kids.
Sometimes though, doing right by your kids is doing right by yourself aswell. Mentally being in a good job and spending your spare time with them, Is good for you all. Regardless of what that selfish woman is doing.

That's all she is selfish! I would be angry too!

Sorry op this sounds really painful for you and the kids. She's love struck and enjoying exploring her sexuality but that's no excuse for treating others badly. Since the kids behaviour has changed this indicates that they are in pain. If at all feasible I'd go for full custody for now, but not for revenge just to give the kids the stability that they need.

She sounds like a wrong un’.

Don’t put up with her crap for a minute more

In your situation I would change to a job that offers my kids stability if their other parent would not, and could not see the damage they were doing to them.

You only have a small window of time to fix the damage that this situation has brought down on them. Take it. Eventually they will be stable and better equiped emotionally to handle this new version of their world theyv'e been given after that go back to the job you want knowing that they will be okay.

Or

Continue as you are and watch them suffer for it because she is too irresponsible to do it for you. Lots of single parents are faced with the choice of career over family every day. If you wish to be their rock then choose do it fully.

I think you have to put the children first, most resident parents have to change jobs to suit the dc if the other parent is unreliable.

They are only small and need some stability rather than being picked up at odd times, do they have to leave one house at 9pm and then again at 7am?

I know its tough but if you can cope financially then I would change jobs to fit around the children.Its what most mums have to do

Can you take the children full time and get paid help round your shifts? She will then have to pay maintenance so should help with costs. She clearly doesnt want them cramping her style and think of how hurt your children must feel. I would honestly take them and see if she makes any attempt to see them, if not you have your answer right there.

Wow op I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your ex sounds selfish and when reality hits and kicks her I reckon it will be too late for her to make amends to your kids. Before you change jobs could you not get family and friends to help out with childcare? and as a previous poster said if she isn't sticking to the agreement with custody if you go for full custody she will most likely have to pay maintenance would that help with childcare fees? Could you not have a word with your boss and ask to do a certain shift at least temporarily until you sort out childcare?

Thanks for all your comments. Just a bit of perspective.. when I say job I mean internal and it doesn't effect my pay but may put my career back a bit. I already pay the childcare just now because I earn more but if I do change i don't think that will change much in terms of what I pay. I would be making sacrifices myself and it really sticks in my throat that she effectively gets off 'Scott free' if I change because it opens up for her to be able to keep her job and do as she pleases. That's hard to accept.

Because of shifts as it stands they are with me some nights until she finishes at 9pm.. I go to work and when I'm done at 7am I pick them up again and get them ready for school. So the 30 mins from 9pm she puts them to bed and the 30 mins she gets them up before I arrive she thinks is adequate.

How can a joint house be sold without you signing papers.
Never mind the new partner is a woman. Marriages break up sometimes and childcare has to be sorted.

I didn't say it was sold without me signing. I couldn't afford to buy her out and she wanted to have her equity so we had to sell.

Sorry for the misunderstanding.
But children always come first and they need stability and security.
Something needs to be sorted.
Even if it's single parenthood.

it really sticks in my throat that she gets away 'scott free'

Its not right and its not okay but it is what happens to single parents the world over.
And its an emotion felt by a lot of women left raising the children with a dad who turns up two saturdays per month if the kids are lucky.

Moreover recent articles suggest 50/50 is not often in the best interest of the child and can be more destablising for very young children. It only seems to work in situations where parents get on live close by and both put the childrens well being first.

As frustrating and unfair as her behaviour is you cannot make someone behave differently because you want them to.

If you are the residential parent there is a high possibly that you could legally stall the sale of the house until the children are 18. Go get legal advice about maintenance and the house. Time to play hardball! Protect your and your children's financial future!

If your career progression needs to be put on the backburner for the sake of your kids then so be it. And try not to compare your 'sacrifice ' to her scott free life. It's what happens when one parent abdicates responsibility in a split. Someone has to take the hit, and that will be remembered by your kids as they grow and appreciate the parent who was there for them while the other swanned off without them!

There is one thing that really has hit a nerve with me as a mother, that your ex is more worried about gallivanting with her girlfriend then spending time with her children and helping them cope through this transition. Either way at least they have you who very clearly does care about their needs.

Let her carry on acting like a teenager, the only person who will end up hurt in the end is her. And you carry on being the best dad you can be x

Did you actually get legal advice over the house? It was your children's home too.