Pof help!

[PhonixK]

I've just joined pof and it's so over whelming. I'm just 8 weeks out of an 11 year relationship (he left me) and I'm just flabbergasted at how forward people are. Does anyone use this and if so tips and advice will be more than welcome. I'm too nice so when someone sends a message asking me to meet I don't say no outright I try to be dead nice but then end up saying oh maybe another time when I don't want there to be another time. Help

Are you really wanting to start dating given that its only 8 weeks since your previous relationship ended?

I would spend some time on your own to heal and to work out what you want from a relationship rather than just throw yourself back into the dating pool, particularly the POF dating pool. You need a thick skin and you seem already unwilling to say no even though you do not want to see them. That could really leave you wide open into being exploited.

8 weeks?

Take some time on your own and think about what you want before you start dating.

I did Pof. I didn't reply to all my messages as I got too many, but only the ones that stood out for me or I liked the sound of. Or if they had put thought into their message I would reply to let them down gently if I wasnt interested.
I met my fiance on there after 18 months and the point of deleting.

I'm not ready for dating at all. This sounds bad but it's more for a confidence boost rather than an actual meeting and dating. My husband has destroyed my self esteem. I know pof and the likes probably has guys on there who message anyone and everyone but just little things from strangers make me feel a little bit more happy.

I really do sound bad and desperate. I'm not going to jump into bed with anyone this soon. I can't see it happening anytime in the future. Like I said it's more of confidence boost than anything else.

I would stay off it for a while and get your confidence and self esteem back to where it needs to be...you don't need to have more hurt and upset

You're probably right. It's all so over whelming and just not for me. I honestly have the worst ideas some times

Well in that case don’t worry too much. You’re never going to meet any of these people so just use it as a way to work on your sparkling conversation skills etc to give you a confidence boost. It can be hard to imagine anyone else ever wanting to be with you if you have low self esteem and having men interested and complimenting you can be a real boost when you’re feeling low. Just enjoy it.

If you do actually start getting involved talking to someone nice, perhaps give them a heads up that it’s a bit soon after your split and you’re just testing the waters, not planning to meet up with anyone yet, so as not to lead them on. The good thing with OLD is if they get shirty just block them.

I did this after my last relationship ended and have continued chatting to two of the guys on Facebook as friends, as we got on well, but I don’t fancy them. It just gave me a little bit of a lift flirting with someone when I’d convince myself I was unlovable.

But yeah, it’s generally better if you don’t rely on others to make you feel good about yourself. It’s supposed to come from within. However, as long as you don’t take it too seriously I think it can be a good thing to get you out of the doldrums.

Perhaps make it clear in your profile that you’re just looking to chat - why waste the time of people further down the dating road than you are?

I joined POF within the month of leaving a 1+ year EA relationship for the same reasons as you. I did end up meeting someone, and to my surprise we've been dating 2 months now. However, I was long over the relationship before I left.

Maybe give yourself a little more time? You could also try Tinder? I know it's known as a hookup app but I've used it in the past just for chatting to people, it is a lot more casual and less involved than POF. You don't have to meet anyone you don't want to, and like PP have said you can make it clear in your profile what you're looking for.

I've been single 7 years op & been on & off Pof in that time... it's a mine field really! I've had a handful of dates from there but nothing all bar one guy that I'd like to see again.. (sadly after 2 dates he said we lived too far apart for it to work) the only advice is don't take it too seriously.. Take what guys say with a pinch of salt. Some will ask very quickly for your number followed by asking for photos & sending you dick picks (very off putting) Istay on it & check in to it once in a while because I live in a tiny village near to a small town & the numbers of single men are low, Ive no single friends & I live in the hope I will be one of the success stories but don't pin all my hopes on it.. I've also tried Match.com as people say it's better because it's a paid membership so not too many time wasters on it but found that didn't have enough guys my age on there.

I'm sorry you're going through a crap time op. Heartbreak is the shitiest feeling.
I'm going to go against the grain here and i don't mean to sound horrible but I don't think you should use POF'.

I get you need an ego boost and that you're feeling down but that is all part of getting over something. Masking it and flirting with strangers isn't going to help you move on.. it will be a distraction but I'm all for throwing yourself into Heartbreak, if that makes sense.
What I mean is the shitty bit, the hurt has to be felt, it's all part of the process. You have to go through it to heal.

I don't think it's a nice thing to start anything with someone that is looking to meet someone when you aren't. POF is full of time wasters but there are some genuine men just looking for a relationship on there too. Using a dating site to boost your confidence, to me, feels like playing with people's feelings. It would be horrible to start chatting to someone who takes the time to chat to you, ask you questions, flirts etc when you have no intention of ever meeting them. We read lots of threads on here about women who suffer at the hands of men who do that and the advice is always the same 'you get lots of time wasters on POF' or 'He's just using you for an ego boost' Dont be a female version of one if those people op, you sound too nice for that.

Yes you could forewarn by explaining your situation straight off but I am concerned about doing that. Any genuine nice man looking for a relationship wouldn't even consider starting a conversation after being made aware of your intention. I am concerned that leaves you open to the POF daters who have other agendas and I think at the moment your emotional state makes you too vulnerable to cope with that. I would hate you to get caught up in something that could be unhealthy for you right now.

Finally, and I'm aware this sounds like the biggest cliche ever, but it's one of the hardest most important lessons I've learned over the last year, you need to find a way to internally validate yourself. It's ok for people to say nice things to You, for strangers online to compliment you but if you don't feel it internally it won't make a jot of difference to how good of bad you feel.
You need to get to a place where you believe those nice things, then others people's compliments won't be necessary. Learning to gain and be the provider of your own self worth is the most important thing to possess. Unfortunately turning to others for that at this vulnerable stage is not ahealthy need to have.

Stay off POF for a while. It can have the opposite effect of a confidence boost in my experience. Yes you might get some initial attention, but usually from weirdos and guys who have no intention of meeting anyone. Please give it some more time and then come back on here for advice.