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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The way he speaks to me

25 replies

Anony123 · 11/05/2018 14:17

My boyfriend uses to be really kind and caring. He was like the guy you find once in a blue moon. Now he is always stressy and always has a tone on. He snaps at everything is so harsh. When we get into fights he says really horrible things. Last night I got told I'm irrelevant, asked if I'm a mental case and asked if my brain is wired right. This was because I told him I couldn't do his shittyness anymore but about half an hour before that I said I want us to work on things. I'm not saying I don't act like this either. I can say really horrible things too but he has just taken it to a new level recently. He told me I cry too much and that he wants to be there for me but is too much for him. Ive been going through a lot recently and in the process of setting up therapy. We used to have something so special and anyone could tell you he loved me but I don't know now . We argue everyday, he is so harsh and snappy. I don't feel like I can do anything right. But he feels the same way. He says he can see the way he is and doesn't like it either and knows he needs to treat me better and hates the way he is now but I just don't know what to do

OP posts:

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 11/05/2018 14:34

Bye boy.

islandholiday · 11/05/2018 14:38

I think if he is just your boyfriend and you don't have kids together, you could quite easily say to him you're sorry but it isn't working out for you at the moment, so you'd like to call it a day.

Do you live together? It probably isn't worth saving if he's being horrible to you. It is a shame to have lost something which was good, but it sounds like the good part is already lost.

I think if you're about to go through therapy anyway you will get a lot more out of it without someone bringing you down, and not really caring about you.

Do you have other friends and family who can support you?

DaphneduWarrior · 11/05/2018 14:39

Why are you with him? What positive things does he bring to your life? If you met him now and he spoke to you the way he does, would you agree to go out with him?

Hogtini · 11/05/2018 14:41

I don't think you need to ask what to do. You know what to do.

AnyFucker · 11/05/2018 14:42

You don't need to tolerate this. Walk away.

Original poster

Anony123 · 11/05/2018 14:43

We have a 7 month old together. It's like we have lost respect for each other. We both verbally and emotionally abuse each other and it's so upsetting. We live together with my family which we both hate and is very stressful. We are supposed to moving in to a place of our own in like a week or two so I really don't know what to do. He says he wants to change but we have all said that before and nothing changes.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anony123 · 11/05/2018 14:43

I can't imagine my life without him. We used to be an amazing couple and I just can't imagine us not being together

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Hogtini · 11/05/2018 14:59

Download the UK version of the television programme 'Seven Year Switch'. Your boyfriend sounds like George - look out for him and his partner on the programme. It might help you seeing it played out on TV.

Original poster

Anony123 · 11/05/2018 15:02

We live with my dad, sister, her partner and child. My sisters boyfriend treats her shit and my boyfriend always gives out about it saying how wrong it is but now he is becoming like him. I don't get it!

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lifebegins50 · 11/05/2018 15:16

When did he start to behave like this?

It's common for abuse to start when you are commited such as pregnant or having a small child.
For your own sake I would avoid being triggered by him.If he starts being abusive, walk away.Do not engage at all.
If he wants to discuss tell him you will talk when he is calmer.

Its important to know you cannot fix him.He is in control of his reactions.
There is no excuse for abusive behaviour, don't allow yourself to do it and don't accept being on the receiving end.

If you move in together is there an exit route for you? I.e are you tied to a lease.

It is textbook to have someone who is adoring at first and then switch to abusive.
It happened to me and there was no way I could have predicted ex's behaviour change.

pallasathena · 11/05/2018 15:45

Is he easily influenced? Some people are copy-cats and emulate others because well...basically...they're a bit thick, have no self worth, don't think for themselves...
From your description, he appears to be copying your sister's abusive twat therefore developing twattish tendencies himself.
Best way to deal with this 'type', is to get yourself some firm non negotiable boundaries and stick to them come hell or high water and two, practise being assertive with a capital A.

Original poster

Anony123 · 11/05/2018 15:53

Yeah he has anxiety and has problems saying no. He doesn't know when or how to say no so when he tries to stick up for himself he can say it in a shitty say because he doesn't know how else to say it. He knows this himself and gets quite down about it because he lets people walk all over him because of it

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hellsbellsmelons · 11/05/2018 16:03

A lot of abuser ramp it up when a child arrived.
They cannot handle the fact that they are now not your main focus.
But this is no way to live.
Could he move into the new place and you stay where you are to get some time apart to see what you both really want.
His words are cruel and he even admits to it (a lot of abusers won't admit they are wrong at all so at least that's a good sign)
I wouldn't agree to live with him until you have sorted all of this out.
It could escalate and you won't have anyone there to help you.
What is he currently proposing to do about his awful behaviour?

Original poster

Anony123 · 11/05/2018 17:25

No it's a council house so we wouldn't be able to do that. Yes he did admit it and says he can see how he has changed and he hates it and when I explained to him how he is becoming like my sister's bf he looked so in shock and upset because he thinks it's really wrong the way he speaks and treats her. But we have spoke about it before (not in such depth) but we have and we are still here today and I can't take it. I used to feel like his everything now I feel like nothing. He feels like a stranger to me and I don't know who he is or what he has become. I'm so upset. We used to be so happy and fun and now we aren't any more

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Original poster

Anony123 · 11/05/2018 19:55

We have spoke about his past before But he spoke to me more about it there and he had a very hard childhood where he wasn't able to talk about his feelings. His words were that his mum just bought him and his brother stuff to shut them up instead of be there for them emotionally. So he could never express his feelings. I know this doesn't justify anything at all and we are not okay at all right now but it ended up in us both being in tears and him saying that his childhood makes him angry so I feel that is a massive part of it. But I know it's not an excuse at all. I just don't know what to do!!

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AtrociousCircumstance · 11/05/2018 19:58

Don’t stay with him, it will just get worse. He no doubt genuinely has 100 reasons for why he’s being abusive to you but it doesn’t matter. ‘Why’ is irrelevant. Get away from him.

Original poster

Anony123 · 11/05/2018 20:15

He has agreed to couple counselling. Is that a good idea or not? He says he wants to change and treat me better so wants to go to couple counselling. I don't know how to feel

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Tatiannatomasina · 12/05/2018 00:19

Ask him to leave and see how you feel living apart. It shouldnt be this hard.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/05/2018 04:47

Joint counselling is NEVER recommended when there is abuse.
HE should have some counselling for himself.
But don't have together.
This is HIS issue.
HE needs to sort himself out.

NoYouDontHaveThat · 12/05/2018 05:33

You're abusing each other. It's become a toxic relationship. Let it go and split.

Original poster

Anony123 · 12/05/2018 07:32

He has agreed to try individual counselling for himself 3 times (he had bad experiences with it being forced when younger). Does anyone think this is a good use a?

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MistressDeeCee · 12/05/2018 16:13

I just wouldn't put up with all this for the sake of 1 man. Even reading your post made tired. Kindness goes a long way - if you're with a man who speaks to you the way you've described then he doesn't like you. Doesn't matter what he says, what 'excuse' reasons are given. Youre not compatible but both seem to want to flog a dead horse

hellsbellsmelons · 13/05/2018 03:52

It's good he wants to do counselling for himself.
What's the 3 times bit though?
It will take a lot longer than 3 sessions.

shammy1b · 13/05/2018 06:38

You cant change a cunt babes

FASH84 · 13/05/2018 06:46

He's being a dick, you've acknowledged you verbally and emotionally abuse him too, this is not a healthy environment for a baby. Mind you living with your dad, sister her DP and child isn't good either and will add to tensions, what happened to being self sufficient before having kids? If someone spoke to me in that way and my dad heard that would make it ten times worse as he wouldn't keep quiet about it, what does your dad say about the way your DP and sister's DP treat you both? How was his relationship with your mum when you were younger?

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