Confusing man situation

[Skiingkangaroo1]

Hello! Hoping for some experience, advice or pointers.

I met a man on OLD and have been dating him for five months. We live thirty miles from each other, so not totally convenient but doable with planning and babysitters (we both have primary age kids).

He's going through a fairly messy divorce, it seems his ex doesn't want to divorce. I try not to get too involved. He has his kids half of each week.

We've been meeting for dinner dates, nights in etc every Friday, with occasional cancellations. We have quite 'meaningful' chats on messenger, have quite a bit in common etc. He and I both agreed to be exclusive and we have been sleeping together for a couple of months (I wanted to wait until we had dated a while).

Here's my problem - we aren't progressing much. He's very sweet and loving, but is resolute he can't see me more than once a week at the moment. He can't give a timescale we could see each other more. I've suggested we end it and he gets upset, insists he adores me and then I blindly continue the relationship limbo.

I appreciate he has a busy and tricky life at the moment, but I've also read stories on here of this situation never improving...how do I know if I'm just a distraction/stop gap? I don't know if he needs more time to build up trust (He can be very cautious) or whether it's a no hope situation. I enjoy his company but I don't want to be in this situation forever, Id like more of a relationship.

I would move on.

Do you have sex every time you see each other?
Do you have any daytime dates eg meet in a cafe/go to a gallery which definitely couldn't lead to sex?

No we don't have sex every time, though we do most times. We don't meet in the daytime due to work and kids, it's just a Friday night...

I think he has an 'avoidant' attachment style.

Move on.

Move on, this is purely about sex for him. If you want more of a relationship it should be with another person altogether. It could be argued that he is no position to date again either given as well that he is not yet divorced.

Sounds like he doesn't really want to progress the relationship, which is fine.
If you want more you will have to move on and find someone who wants the same thing as you.

I also think you need to move on.

I was the 'busy' one in a relationship like this, and after a few months, he just said to me that he wanted a full-time girlfriend but that I didn't seem enough time in my life for him. And he was right. We parted on good terms and I respect him for being honest with me.

I think you need to have a chat like that with him. If it's not working for you, just end it. Don't fall for the emotional blackmail either. Good luck.

I don't think he is ready for a relationship with you and probably not with anyone else, he comes with baggage, and it doesn't sound like he's that into you.

You what 6 Months in if that, with 2 lots of kids in tow and he's still divorcing....

I'm not sure how quickly you're expecting progress but I would have thought you're going at a just right pace for both your respective situations

It's all down to expectations really.

If you're expecting things to move at a certain pace and they're not, then you need to talk to him. He's not going to know that you're not happy with the way things are otherwise, he might be really happy to have a low maintenance relationship while he sorts the rest of his life out...

With 50/50 dcs and an ex who could make life awkward I’d move on! It isn’t going to get any better, he’s told you he’s not in a position to offer you more, so show him how much you value yourself by not accepting the crumbs he’s throwing you. You deserve to be made happy and this man can’t/won’t give you what you need and doesn’t appear to be offering it at any point soon either.

FWIW my DP is in a similar boat. He has his dcs at least 50/50, often more. But because we live close he pops round for lunch or I go and meet him, he gets babysitters on his nights if we have something to do and he talks about a future when we will be past all the difficulties and can live together full time. Even when things are difficult, you can show good intentions. Your fella seems to be saying this is what you get, take it or leave it, and then guilt tripping you when you want to leave it.

I would move on as he is not really available if he has unfinished business with his ex.

A divorce, work and young children will be occupying his time so he can't/won't give you more.

I would avoid a man who is not yet divorced as there is just so much to settle and you could be his transition person.

I will buck the trend here & say enjoy what you have. If you enjoy your time together, I don't see the problem.

People who rush to “move things on” will inevitably get burnt at some stage. What’s the rush?

I would agree with others, move on...or at least move off him. He isn't divorced so stay away and let him sort it out without any additional complexity

I think he could still be married. Have you been to his house?

If he has the kids 50/50, what is his reason for not seeing you for a whole weekend sometimes?

What do you mean by "progressing"? Seeing each other once a week seems pretty good to me at this stage, when you've both got dc and he's not even divorced yet. What does "progressing" look like to you?

Thanks. I'm not expecting any big commitment from him but I suppose to be a bit more involved in each others lives. Eg we've never met any of the others friends, we're very much dating still. I don't mind that at all except I don't really know if this would continue forever

I would bear in mind that he might be married and still very much so and using you as a friday night shag. Sorry.

You don't need to meet each other's friends yet. He's going through a divorce and has his kids to attend to.

If it's not enough for you, then end it no matter what he says.

Neither of you are wrong.

He possibly needs time to get through the divorce before committing to anything more than occasional dates (however exclusive) with you. This may seem kike a lack of commitment on his part but on the other hand if (IF) he is being honest with you, then it sounds like he's in for as much as he can give you right now and can't contemplate past the short term right now. I would suggest that this is a fairly pragmatic approach and while it's not very "sweep you off your feet" romantic, it raises less red flags to me than if he was making wild promises to you, and seeing you loads at the expense of sorting out his tricky family situation.
If you're going to date a man who is still married (technically) then that's sometimes the way it is. Either you carry on with the status quo and see how things are post decree absolute, or you ask for a break with a view to reducing things when life is simpler (or you break it off altogether).
As a pp said, there's no right or wrong, but given the complex situation, you need to ascertain if your expectations are likely to align in a way that you can live with for the short-medium term. There's no guarantee that he isn't using you as a convenient and distracting stop-gap, but at the same time, you were alive to his situation from the start, I presume?
How far off is the divorce from finalising?

Reviving, not reducing! Cheers mobile autocorrect.

Make plans for the next month of Fridays with friends and see if he makes an effort to see you outside those nights. If not problem solved, he is just not bothered.

I would move on

Thanks. A lot to think about! He is being honest with me about his time availability (or lack of) but he also seems really keen to keep me. I like him a lot and don't really want to end it. At the start and on his dating profile he said he wanted a relationship...obviously in very loose terms!