new baby. 3yr old and no husband. sorry long.

[peachypie]

hi just wanted to know if any one has similair experience,i am 28 been married for 9 years found out this time last year that my husband had been unfaithful and i was 8 weeks pregnant at the time when i found out and also have a 3 year old ds.
this wasnt the first time(i didnt know) and although i thought i had a lovely happy marriage the last 7 years had been one big lie(to protect me apparently!) i was devastated. when i was 3-4 months pregnant because we were just arguing all the time and it wasnt healthy for my ds or me and the unborn we separated,for 5ish months.
when my dh! said he would like me to forgive him and make another go of things i loved him and also wanted to remain a family so agreed, believing everything would be ok eventually!i was very vunerable at the time and wanted to believe.
since then i gave birth to a beautiful dd april 04 and things seemed to be going ok not perfect as you can imagine then about 6 weeks ago he annouces that he does love me as the mother of his children and is still very attracted to me but not in love with me enough not to do it again!
i wasnt standing for anymore messing i am heartbroken, love him and hate him at same time! so i knew he wanted to leave so asked him to go quickly.
so here i am at 28 with two small children on my own.fortunatly my ds is a little sweetie and unfortunatly my dd is one of those babys you hear about that do nothing but cry (maybe traumatised by the whole situation while i was pregnant i cried all the time and lost a stone in weight), sleeps like a log at night though, thank goodness.
but im coping and every one says im being amazingly strong ( dont feel like it, they dont see me crying myself to sleep )feel very lonely sometimes but people keep saying im beautiful and someone else will come along but seriously i dont think i will ever get time date anyone else between negotiations with a 3 year old and tiny tears never giving up!
love them dearly though they are what keep me going.
so thats me, anyone else?

Theres a lonemum thread peachypie you might also be intesested in.

cheers will have a look

hi peachypie, just thought id say hi. Im single mum with dd whos 20months. I asked exp to leave this time last year. We're not on good ground levels at the moment. Since then, I have been with someone else. Do you have family or friends that can help you out? And when you feel up to it, will someone be able to babysit whilst you have a night out or something?

Sorry to hear about this. Have no advice, but all my very best wishes to you. I found the first 6 months (make that year) with ds absolute hell, crying etc. I wouldn't say that your dd is picking up on anything - I think some babies are just 'like that' . Its a fraught and tiring time preg and after, without all the other stress you are coping with. However, I don't think a happy marriage for 7 years can have all been a 'lie' he is just saying that to justify his mixed up, impetuous and irresponsible behaviour. It sounds like everything is still a bit unclear. You have been a tower of strength coping and have my utmost admiration. If he changed his mind again, would you work things out? or will you move on. All this 'I love you BUT' business makes it unclear, he does sound mixed up. As far as children are concerned you are doing a great job, giving lots of love. You must be exhausted now but remember how it does get easier once they start to become pre-human. My thoughts are with you all wishing you a bright light at the end of this tunnel.

peachypie, so sorry you are going through this. Thank you for your post on my thread regarding my friends husband. She doesn't have computer access for a few days which is why i'm helping her out but I'm sure when she's back you can be of some support to each other.

Hi peachypie.

I was chatting to you last night about robert de niro!
So sorry to hear you are so unhappy.
My own marriage is in a very bad way too and my dh is thinking about leaving, so I sympathise with you as I know how much it hurts.

Take care xx

tammybear - thanks, yes i have a good close family thank goodness been a great help and support, also been for a couple of drinks, good to take my mind off things. sounds like you have had a rough time hope you are happier a year on now,
wild - thankyou also, if he changed his mind would i make a go of it? uumm ,he would have to change a lot for that to happen and i would have to believe he meant it.lying comes so easy to him !!
kayleigh - i have posted the answer to the question you asked me on your thread i would love to chat to your friend maybe we could be a support to one another thank you.
Romany4 - so sorry to hear about your own marriage, life is so difficult isnt it, i hope you can work things out, its nice to think marriages can survive turmoil but its not always the case , i hope you r staying strong. is it affecting your self esteem cos mines taken a right old battering? nice to hear from u thanks x

Peachy,

My situation isn't exactly like yours, but it's similar enough that I can understand some of what you're going through.

My (wonderful) husband was killed on our daughter's 2nd birthday when I was 11 weeks pregnant with our second. Obviously the pregnancy was a very stressful unhappy time. I also lost some weight and probably drank more than I should have. And my little one was also a very demanding, clingy baby. I was also told how well I was doing and how strong I was being. (I think maybe it just makes people feel better to think that.)

But it does get better. We're coming up to the 3 year anniversary of my husband's death. The baby is 2y4m now and doing great. I'm fortunate to have a great support system too.

So, no, you're not alone. Hang on in there!

Kate

kate, thank you for telling me about your own experience, you and the girls have been through so much.
i am glad you also had support through what must be a traumatic time,i dont know what i would do without mine(family).
in a way the feelings are probably the similar, as we both lost someone we love and never thought we would be without them. life is so cruel isnt it.
but you are a inspiration, and i am pleased that your dd2 is now doing great.
i find that it is so hard not only dealing with my own feelings everyday of jealousy, anger,hurt,rejection etc.. (theres many more!!)but trying to remain "normal" so my wonderful ds doesnt pick up on anything while also dealing with a screaming baby that wont be put down.some days i really feel like im going to have some kind of breakdown.
i have just arranged to see a counsellor tom evening to and try and work through some of these feelings, so i will see how i go.

where do you live peachy? your kids are similar ages to mine..(I'm in n london)
there are always lots of little informal meet ups of mnetters.

Peachypie.
I feel like s**t. He is walking around the house whistling and smiling and telling me ,he is going to find someone much sexier and younger than me,(Im 32), but hasnt really decided what he is doing yet!
Meanwhile I am trying to stay calm and be normal for my kids but really I want to kill him.
What else can you do? If I ask anything or retaliate ,it just ends up in a screaming match and he gets even nastier.
It hurts so badly

bundleim quite a way away in lancashire.

OHH romany, i feel for you so much, but why are you waiting for him to make the decision i did that the first time he left and regretted it.
This time is was so hard for me to tell him to leave but i couldnt live in limbo anymore not knowing what was going to happen.
i know its so hard and painful i am still reeling from it myself but if he is torturing you like this surely you would be better off with out the constant cruelty and the "not knowing".
How long have you been married, how come its like this between you and how long has it been like this?

Hi peachy.
We have been arguing on and off for a few months and as soon as we try to get on something happens and we have a huge row again.
plus hes the master of going silent and just will not talk. We have split before because he had drink problems but after 6 months apart, decided we did want to be together and he came home.That was 5 years ago. Recently, we have had problems in our sex life so I think this is where it has stemmed from. He has become resentful that its different and takes it out on me with smart remarks and nasty comments. He says if he leaves, hell decide when and how and I cannot force him out, can I?

Anyway, I am just avoiding him as much as possible to keep the peace.
We have been together nearly 14 years.

it sounds like you need to get him to open up would you consider getting professional help either together or see if he will go by himself or maybe you go,
my exh went to a guy cos he has other probs too and it helped him to talk to me when hecame home after he had seen him, i am going to see someone tonight so i can try to work through some of my feeling, have a think about it anyway.
No i dont think you can physically getting to go,i was fortunate that my exh wanted me and kids to keep family home so he knew he was the one to move out. do you want him to go ?

I really dont know how I feel. I think if its just about sex with him, then whats the point? I have been alone before, as I said, and I was ok although I missed him but I know if we split this time, then its going to be final and that scares me. He wont talk to anyone about our problems as he always says couples should be able to sort things, and not strangers.
which is a bit stupid when he won`t even talk to me!

i know how you feel when you say it will be final and that scares you thats exactly how i felt, but do you want to be in a marriage like this forever that should scare you!
i miss my exh too even though he comes round every other day to spend time with kids and i do love him in a way. but he has hurt me so much and done so much damage i could never trust him again and i know i wouldnt be able be happy living life always thinking is he up to it again.
The thing is is that if you can both work it out great, but i cant see how you will do that if he doesnt talk and only one of you wants to make it work, so what are the other options? this could go on for ages for you and thats not fair to you.
Why does he say he wants to leave?
And is the reason he says he's gonna find someone younger and more sexy is this because he has problems?

He seems to have an obsession about porn sites that feature teenage girls but he says its just because they are petite and it has nothing to do with me!
Plus, like I said, we are having problems with our sex life so maybe thats why he has suddenly become obsessed with porn, but that doesnt make me feel any better. I wish that he would move out even if just for a couple of weeks to give us some breathing space so we could maybe calm down and think. Ill keep you posted
x

sorry to but in, but romany4, i feel for you hun. you shouldnt have to put up with that. im sorry if what im going to say offends you, but it sounds like he doesnt love you much. sex can be a problem, but i wouldnt imagine it would get to the points that your relationship is at. some men are into porn, and maybe it is because of your sex life. maybe you could go to relate. it helps with relationship problems, and you dont have to tell your husband you're going. you can just go yourself and get a professional opinion on it. it sounds like hes trying to control you, and belittle you (if thats the right word) by saying things like hes going to find someone younger and sexier. he probably feels that you are just going to put up with it and do nothing about it. but do you want to put up with it??

romany be strong im here whenever you want to talk. Ive been to therapy tonight it helps to talk to someone who knows what they are talking about, and i feel like im going to get good help now so i can move on. have a good think about what tammybear said about relate or something along those lines-because they can help you find out what you really want. take care x speak to you soon.