Long story, I apologise in advance...
I have started a casual relationship with an older guy (18 years) who has separated from his wife... We are work colleagues, but not in the same department (yet work close together on projects, hence how I know him quite well).
They have a kid so are still in contact, but the break up was extremely messy and he was glad it ended, with her making blows and digs at him whenever she can etc. I don’t know the full details as I keep myself VERY outside of it and even before we started anything as I didn’t want to get involved in drama. I only know bits of what I’ve overheard him saying to others.
When they separated he moved out, got his own place etc. Six months later he expressed his interest in me and asked if he could take me out on a date, but I turned him down, but we subsequently had a one night stand which led to me telling him I was open to a casual relationship, but not dating. He agreed.
(Note: I suggested this as I had no interest in beginning a relationship, as I was still enjoying concentrating on me after splitting from DC father two years ago... Being unattached was hard to let go of.)
Fast forward three months into this arrangement and yep, you probably guessed it, I’ve caught the dreaded feelings. Thing is, he’s just so intimate. When I go around to his he cooks dinner, we watch a film and sometimes we have sex, though sometimes after a movie / dinner we’re both tired, so we just sleep. We have breakfast, he drives me home... There’s not always sex and often we even talk for hours.
Whilst we haven’t gone on dates outside of his house, when I’m in his house he treats me like I am a girlfriend, and we talk for hours etc and really, I couldn’t help but fall for him! We started off texting all the time but something seems to have changed because now he doesn’t text me at all and there is honest to God nothing that has changed between us for this to happen.
He doesn’t text me first anymore. When he texts he’s distant. Basically over text he’s completely backed away from our usual sexting / chatting / sharing funny stories etc. He used to send me “morning gorgeous” texts and goodnight ones. Now the only time he texts is twice a week and even then we send about 5 back and forth and that’s it.
Yet in person he does a 360 and is his usual flirty / attentive self. This sudden unexpected hot and cold act has really begun to make me resent and question my feelings that developed before this happened to the point where i have a feeling I should end it. But I don’t really want to, deep down, because when we’re together it’s amazing and yeah, the sex is great and when we’re together I genuinely have a great time. It’s the emotional withdrawal over texts which is confusing me.
I just don’t get why he’s so cold to me when we aren’t physically together ?! I’m not clingy or constantly blowing up his-phone either. In fact, since he backed away I respected this and followed suit, because despite liking him I’m not the type to do the chasing.
A friend hinted that maybe it’s because we have gotten too close and that me asking for a casual relationship is just something he’s honouring. Clearly my growing feelings are a major issue and maybe I should just stop this before I get hurt, because I have a hollow feeling he’s losing interest.
Also just got context, we meet in person once a week at his place, sometimes twice, and I do not go at his beck and call. The meetings are arranged mutually around both of our separate lives away from each other.
So... Please as an outsider can you give me your honest opinions? Am I being an idiot and setting myself up for heartache down the line, and should I end this whilst I still can without backlash, or should I do as another friend suggested and treat this more like a “standard” casual arrangement and stop the close intimacy and just carry on to have fun (I’m sure I can do this, but I will miss the moments we have!!!)