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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What would your response be?

15 replies

Tiredspice2 · 10/05/2018 22:08

My DH is a great guy, a super father, and is generally a nice, laid back person. When it comes to me he doesn’t really think about how I feel about stuff and is generally dismissive of me when I am being “emotional”, and he rolls his eyes if I even mention feeling down and a bit depressed, and just walks off. He never actually shows physical affection, just not tactile. We do actually have good banter, on good days, but increasingly I just feel so alone. When I try to talk about this he makes me feel silly about it and tends to shut down the conversation. He doesn’t compliment me on anything really, but is quick to point out mistakes, the negatives. Also on occasion, like today, he’s just being unpleasant, having a go at me for the smallest of things, seemingly getting angry at me over nothing. In these moments, it’s like just the sound of my voice makes him seem more agitated.

In this situation it’s always, always me who ends up apologising for upsetting him, but I don’t even know what it is that I did to upset him. And he never apologises for anything . I was about to go down stairs and do this. But I’ve decided that I can’t keep being emotionally subservient like this when he is having a might strop and is being critical and horrible. Walking around quietly, trying not to upset him more. I can’t stand it. I feel alone. What can I say to him to make him understand that he is making me feel more and more invisible and rubbish?

OP posts:
pog100 · 10/05/2018 22:17

That if he doesn't take notice you are going to separate. It's only making it clear that it's this serious that has any hope of changing him and I actually doubt even that will work, sorry. It's how he is, a self centered wanker

Sometimeitrains · 10/05/2018 22:21

Was he like this when you first got together and how long have you been together and dealimg with this?

overnightangel · 10/05/2018 22:22

You said he’s a nice guy. He’s clearly not

dirtybadger · 10/05/2018 22:23

I would at least point out to him that he sounds far more "emotional" than you. Anger is an emotion. And it sounds like him being angry at you has a much bigger impact than you merely mentioning you feel low. It sounds like he is majorly lacking in some basic emotional intelligence and empathy. Which there is no real excuse for. It also sounds like he looks down on you a little- rolling his eyes at you shows contempt. Do you feel like he respects you as an equal?

dirtybadger · 10/05/2018 22:27

Oh, by the way- not a great father. My father was good with me as a child. Ish. But he wasnt a good father. Because he doesnt treat my mum how he should, and he has inadvertently raised me not to treat her with the respect she deserves. Fortunately I have enough self awareness to apologise promptly when I realise I am acting at all like he does to her, and to stop myself in most instances before it happens. But children do learn from their parents, and your DC may adopt your DHs approach to emotions, and empathy. Even if they know its wrong and would rather not reenact it!

Tiredspice2 · 10/05/2018 22:30

We’ve been together over 10 years, and at the start there was a bit more affection, but isn’t comfortable hugging or touching. But I definitely need this. And I have told him many times, that I feel so alone, that he needs to make more of an effort with me. He just nods his head. And that’s it. Nothing changes.

OP posts:
Bogmoppit · 10/05/2018 22:31

Lovey, read you message back. He IS NOT a nice guy. He sounds controlling and unkind. I've lived like you are - on eggshells, being criticised, accepting a minimum amount of tolerable behaviour as a 'good day' and ended up deeply depressed. I'm still on anti-ds and going through a divorce.

This good day "banter" you talk about. Is it really banter or is it unkindness and bitchy comments dressed up as humour?

He sounds nasty and belittling. A man who does this to his wife IS NOT a good dad. He is not a good guy, and he sounds very far from laid back.

Kittyb123 · 10/05/2018 22:35

Tbh sounds like my ex husband and i took it as I loved him anything that went wrong he'd have a go at me and moan at me about silly stuff he upped and left last year now I look back and think I should of had a go back i feel so much free'er now I can watch a tv show on my tablet while I'm washing up and no-one is going to moan at me about it. I'm happier now I didn't know how unhappy i was

Sometimeitrains · 10/05/2018 22:43

Then you know the answer to your own question. A couple of years in you both become your realselves the honeymoon period ended and what you see is what you got.
10 years in he knows what you want, but he also knows he doesnt have to give it to you to get what he wants, so why bother as he knows he doesnt have to change you will just put up with it deny your needs and keep things going.

Dont waste your breath talking to him.

Figure out how and when you will end things and visualise what you will do with your life once you cut away the dead weight.

CarysMa · 10/05/2018 22:55

Maybe he's not capable of the emotional intimacy you want. But he doesn't sound like a great guy! Why do you describe him as a great guy?

You're trying so hard to please him. Yet, do you think he would describe you as ''great''? Or would he see you through a more negative lens?

Bumbelinadance · 10/05/2018 23:23

Sharing my experience
Possibly may help
I am sorry and feel for you

I had similar with my ex
I felt I was giving affection and support but not receiving it
We broke up over a year ago , after many years ... i ended it .
It was hard to leave the person I knew ,live alone again
I feel he was given the option to change and didn’t or couldn’t
We reconciled briefly but it was the same

I found it very hard for months .. I wanted it to be the way I wanted and him to be the way I wanted him to be .
What I eventually realised after almost a wasted year of wishing and ..yearning .. it is what is
Simplification . I can’t change another persons behaviour . I can only change how I react to it and what I do with it

A year later I wouldn’t go back for love nor money
I just recently lost the “ heartache “ weight and “ got out there “
There are lots of men in this world .. not just one. I had forgotten this
I am dating again
Some will be a nightmare date , some fun for now and some partner material
Age is not a thing
Dating Is a fun alternative to a crap relationship
Kids , family , Freinds , career , new experiences and horizons, travel and making yourself happy are too

What I learnt .. I Am not unreasonable to want love and affection
It is the mans ( or woman’s ) choice whether. To give it
If he / she doesn’t it is my choice to leave and look for it elsewhere or stay and put up
I am at the beginning again so don’t hold all the answers

I felt not good enough to be shown love and affection for a long time
It’s far harder I think when it was given initially then withdrawn

However I can say I am very happy now
More confident
And glad I left
.
Sending you lots of strong positive energy and self belief
You do deserve love and affection yes

Ryder63 · 10/05/2018 23:33

What a lovely post, Bumbelinadance - I hope the OP takes note Smile

Tiredspice2 · 11/05/2018 20:24

Thank you so much Ladies for all your advice. It’s made me feel much better, and suddenly I am looking at things slightly differently. I’ve been putting the wrong person first, since the start. I am going to change that now, for my sake (and sanity) and for the sake of my children.

OP posts:
Bumbelinadance · 15/05/2018 22:43

Hi op
Checking in to see how you And babies are
Xxx

Tiredspice2 · 16/05/2018 16:04

Thanks Bumbelinadance, much better and clearer about everything. And thanks for your brilliant advice before.

OP posts:
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