URGENT - anxiety

[notagain123456]

Hi, i need a good stern talking to - please help.

I suffer from anxiety and am currently on sertraline which was working quite well for a few weeks until two days ago.

My anxiety stems from a previous relationship where i was cheated on and lied to and it turned me from a trusting person to an anxious untrusting one.

I am now remarried to an amazing man and my anxiety is still here, i worry about him cheating not because i think he will but i think what if he does. It makes me worry when he goes on nights out even though i would never stop him and on holidays abroad with friends. (he has just told me he is going on holiday so i think this is why my anxiety has come back)

I do not want to be like this but my mind wont allow me to be any different, it all but consumes me when i am thinking about something.

It doesnt help that he was very honest with me at the beginning of our relationship and told me he had cheated on his previous girlfriend numerous times.

He tells me it was a different kind of relationship not committed etc like we are and he wouldnt of married me if he was going to cheat as he got it all out of his system (he is younger than me and i have been married before)
My husband is very understanding and helps me rationalize but i hate to be putting this on him.

Please give me some advice, it wont be helpful if people suggest his past means he will always be a cheater as nobody can know that for sure so please only helpful comments on how i can work on not feeling like this.

If someone could guarantee he would be faithful forever i would be fixed but obviously thats not a possibility.

Thank you

It doesn't really help that he does have a past as a cheater. But you have trusted him enough to marry him, so try not to forget that. You'll need to work through any problems that come up together, with a lot of open communication.

You might be worried that you're being a burden, but a lack of communication is will be far worse. Like you've said, he's been very supportive and understanding so there's no reason why he wouldn't continue to be. He also married you knowing your problems, too.

OP, you need to work on accepting that you can never 100% trust any partner not to cheat. Not really. What is the worst that could happen if he was to cheat? Yes it would hurt like hell but it would not kill you. Many people survive broken hearts, it's unfortunately a risk when you have relationships. Have you had counselling or CBT? Sertraline alone won't stop the thoughts, I'm on sertraline too and although it keeps my anxiety under control, it does not stop me from thinking.

If he is going to cheat, he is going to cheat. There is nothing you can do about that. When someone cheats, they choose to cheat, no-one forces them to. It is not something you can control. What you can control, is how you think. I always tell myself that if a bloke cheats on me, then he has done me a huge favour and shown me who he really is, so I can move on with my life. You can focus on being more independent, taking control of your own life and not putting it in the hands of others. Having a plan in place, should cheating take place, may help lessen the anxiety.

thanks colly, that is really helpful. My biggest worry is if he does it and i dont find out and im living in a lie. My ex lied and made me think i was paranoid.

Hi, just saw your comment on my post. And yes, I can definitely relate. Fortunately for me my current DP told me he finds cheating men despicable as ending a relationship that doesn't work seems more suitable to him.. Guess we'll see about that haha So, except for that we're more or less in the same boat.

I once read someone's comment saying "We grow up wasting so much time worrying about things that won't ever happen, and if they do happen we survive it and work with what we're given."

As you read in my post my ex cheated. But weirdly it's the worst and best thing that ever happened to me. It's left me a mess, but I also found someone who I really wouldn't want to live without..

My Counsellor said try focus on the positive outcomes of what might happen if he cheats. We seem to spend a lot of time catastrophising instead of just enjoying the moment. Possibly pushing them away with our constant worries.

Second, live YOUR life that is independent to your DH. Your own hobbies and things you enjoy, so that you see that your DH is only a part of your life, not the main focus. Don't plan your life around him every day. He goes on holiday, does that mean you'll be home without any distraction?

As I said I was given ways to deal with my reactions, but of course some days it's absolutely hopeless. I have stopped taking sertraline and joined the gym. It's difficult to keep at it, but taking care and pride in my body has done more than sertraline ever managed. :)

I think you would know the signs, especially having been cheated on before.

He didn’t have to mention cheating on his previous partner, could of just kept it to himself
Try and put it at the back of your mind and enjoy being married to a lovely man

How about going to relate or counselling for yourself, see if you can work it out.

Agree with collly
If there going to cheat they will, but if things are happy/good between you two then there should be no reason for him to look elsewhere.
Also do this for yourself, by that I mean contact with friends, going out, activities. Things for YOU and not just about the 2 of you together doing things.

Basically what I'm trying to do: Live your live like you want it to be, so if he cheats it won't mean you've wasted years. You mightve wasted a tiny bit of it, but not all those things you're doing for yourself. Attend classes, go on holiday without him, do what you always wanted to as child. In the end you are the only one who can make you happy :) Don't think that's someone else's job.

told me he had cheated on his previous girlfriend numerous times
With your anxiety I am surprised you married him knowing this.

But.... I'd love to tell you that you survived last time and if this one does cheat, then you'll survive again.
You are strong and you do NOT need a man to survive.
Blah blah blah....
But I have no idea how anxiety works.
I just know it can be irrational and hard to treat.

Are you having counselling?
It may really help to talk this out with a specialist in this field.
So many of us have been cheated on (more than once) but we do get through it and we do realise we are fabulous just as we are and no man can validate that and we do NOT need them to survive.
I think until you can come to terms with the fact that you might be let down again then this we be a never ending cycle.

He's not your ex, please stop comparing them.

Stop telling him you think he's going to cheat or may have cheated, that will eventually just cause him to be exasperated with you. Short of glueing yourself to their side 24/7, you cannot guarantee fidelity 100% from anyone.

Read the wise words in the post by @Komorebi or better still, copy it and put it somewhere you can see it then read it whenever you have those ridiculous doubts.
Live your live like you want it to be, so if he cheats it won't mean you've wasted years. You mightve wasted a tiny bit of it, but not all those things you're doing for yourself. Attend classes, go on holiday without him, do what you always wanted to as child. In the end you are the only one who can make you happy smile Don't think that's someone else's job

hellsbells, yes but he could just have easily not told me he cheated previously then i would have married him anyway.

I cheated on an ex when i was 18, i didnt consider it a serious relationship (the same as my husband says about his ex) and although i felt guilty and ended that relationship i have never cheated since. I cant comprehend that he could have possibly felt the same as i did.

Im not having counselling no but i may consider it if my anxiety carries on

Have you ever had CBT? I did for my anxiety and it helped even though a previous bout of CBT did nothing to help me. My therapist made me realise that most of my anxiety stemmed from the fear of the unknown and trying to control it. It's telling that you mention the future and if you could guarantee he wouldn't cheat you wouldn't feel anxious. As you're more than aware none of us have a crystal ball and there's no way of telling if anyone will cheat or not so you will have to make peace with these unpleasant emotions.

My husband and I have actually split due to his cheating and this had been one of my worries. I'm still standing and while it's not been pleasant at all the fear of him cheating turned out to be much worse than the reality. If I hadn't had the CBT I don't know where I'd be right now but I found it much more helpful than the medication (same as yours) I was on.

Please don't think I'm saying he will cheat I'm just giving my experience as a fellow anxiety sufferer x

thank you i will try to put some of these ideas into practice. i really appreciate all the replies